Wubbiss!

The Monster Mash

2010-10-29T13:29:00.006-04:00

We had a delightful trick-or-treat experience last night. Jon the Fireman stayed out waaaay longer than I expected, and Heidi the Pooh fell asleep in the stroller, so all was good. I handed out candy on the porch while J went with the kids from house to house. That was interesting. All the kids were very polite and I saw a lot of cute costumes, but the highlight had to be a young man dressed like Bruce Lee who did a running backflip off our hickory tree. That is something you don't see every day.

But now we have Thanksgiving to look forward to. Nice. I love me some Thanksgiving. Of course, in the next month we've also got two doctor's appointments for Tiny H, 3 more exams to grade and the grind of getting classes ready every week. So it'll probably go by way quicker than I realize...shoot, it just occurred to me that I'm already behind on thinking about Christmas shopping. Dang it!

Why I'm quitting tobacco

2010-10-14T13:42:00.002-04:00

Whoo Nelly, have I gotten out of the habit of this. I switched from staff to faculty and, consequently, I am on campus only a couple days a week. So, sure, you'd think that would give me more time to blog, but it turns out that watching a 2- and 1-year-old all day long is really time-consuming. Huh. Note to self.
Anyway, besides Heidi's epilepsy, things really aren't that interesting. I mostly watch Disney during the day and try to sneak in some recorded programs at night. Oooh, that's new though--I'm finally done nursing and getting up in the middle of the night, so I don't have to go to sleep at 9 p.m. anymore! Score! It's the little things.
I have to go grade my Romanticism midterms now. Fun stuff. But I will leave you readers out there with this thought: is it self-loathing of me to never want to eat my own cooking? Or am I simply just bad at it?

You should have died. You should have laid down and died.

2010-01-14T10:45:00.003-05:00

Man, I got one of those skull-cracking, nausea-inducing, had-to-lie-down-on-the-couch-with-the-baby-propped-up-on-my-gut-because-standing-was-too-difficult headaches last night. It was so bad that I actually took a Tylenol. People, I haven't taken an over the counter drug in something like three years. That's how bad I felt. And you know what? That Tylenol made me feel better in about 30 minutes. Anytime I hear people trashing modern society, I will always point out how much worse it was back in the day when there was no Tylenol, tampons or frozen pizza. Take that, nostalgia. You lose.

And I'll also tell you that I had insomnia from about midnight until 3:30 this morning, so when Tiny H woke up at 2:30 and Lil J was up at 2, I was actually pleased to go check on them, as it gave me something to do. And I'm being completely serious. That's my life, folks.

It was like a 4-year-long Iditarod race

2010-01-08T09:03:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning, turned on the news and saw that Alabama won the BCS title game last night. I had completely forgotten it was on. Geesh, what have I become that I'm forgetting big football games? Well, I guess the easy answer there is that I became a mom. I'd like to blame my forgetfulness on the fact that we got a distracting 4 inches of snow yesterday afternoon. It took us about twice as long to get home yesterday, and that was even with the school letting us out an hour and a half early. I'm so glad they did that, because I'm pretty sure driving home in that kind of weather during rush hour traffic would have suuuuuuuucked. Days like that make me really glad that when I was going to college in Rochester, I never really had to drive anywhere. They know what they're doing when they discourage kids from living off campus. I see that now.

"That was before you became a miserable miser, consumed by greed." "Well, nobody's perfect"

2010-01-07T09:20:00.002-05:00

I need some input about what to do when your 4-month-old keeps flipping onto her belly at night and then crying because she's stuck and doesn't know what to do. At first, I was impressed when Tiny H learned how to roll from back to belly, but it would have been really nice if she'd figured out how to roll the opposite way at the same time. I was up 4 times last night helping her calm down and return to her back so she could resume sleep. I'm so out of it. We have a meeting this morning, and my only hope is that I don't snore LOUDLY in the middle of it. The good news? My boss brought bagels today. One day, I look forward to drowning my fatigue in a nice, hot vat of overly sugared coffee, but while I'm nursing, complex carbohydrates will have to do.

I saw a bright light...I thought we were on

2010-01-06T10:01:00.002-05:00

Well, that was a nice break. We had a delightful Christmas Eve and Christmas, although I have to admit we didn't do anything for New Year's Eve at all. J came into our bedroom at 11:45 on New Year's Eve to wake me up and see if I wanted to watch the ball drop, and I just smiled at him and went right back to sleep. Yeah, it's 2010. Good for it.

I'm also happy because I finally stopped going to my old optometrist (who seemed to think he could cure my burning retinas by lecturing me about Obama's health care plan), went to a new one, got new contacts, and now my eyes feel totally fine. See, here's the thing: I have a job, so I'd much rather pay $170 for new contacts than listen to a conservative talk to me for 45 minutes about how generous insurance companies are. Really? Even if they are, I don't care. My eyes are on fire!

And in 13 days, I stop working in the library and start teaching 3 art history classes here. This affords me more time with the kids and more opportunities to spread my thoughts to today's youth. First up, no more emo music.

Skedoosh

2009-12-18T09:08:00.002-05:00

It's our last day before winter break! Whoo! I'm not real sure what I'm going to do with myself on our days off for the next two weeks. Of course, I will be watching the kids and attempting to keep them full of food and in clean diapers. And I need to take Lil J to get a haircut. Oh, and I need to do a little more Christmas shopping. Well, if I didn't just answer my own question.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday! It really is the best time of the year what with all the sparklies, glitter and blinkies.

We do not wash our pits in the pool of sacred tears

2009-12-17T08:52:00.002-05:00

I think I'm pretty up-front about the fact that I'm a nerd. I like to read, I always got good grades, and I've always enjoyed going to school. Nerd. J, on the other hand, is a geek. He was much more popular in high school, but he's really into computers, technology and gaming. Geek. We understand this about each other. Now sometimes our nerd and geek worlds intersect: we both like to watch Star Trek and Star Wars, I know how to Photoshop, and J tolerates my analytical dissections of the symbolism in Up and Saving Private Ryan. But I will never understand the whole gaming thing. For the last week or so, J's been going into his basement man cave after the rest of us go to bed (what? He doesn't want to go to sleep at 9? Shocking!) and playing whatever the latest version of Call of Duty is. I do not get the allure of pretending to kill pretend people for 4 hours a day, but as long as he's happy. Occasionally, however, I pick up on some of his gaming lingo and try to use it in daily life. Last night, I asked him if he was going to do downstairs and "frag some noobs" (translated that means "killing newbie players with fragmenting grenades"...I think). But after I said it, I couldn't stop laughing. Not just because I sounded like a moron, but the withering look J gave me was hilarious. Ahh, if only I'd had a camera. That look hovered somewhere between pity and disgust...but I could tell he really wanted to say "Yeah, I am!" Geek.

Are you suggesting I'm not who I say I am?

2009-12-16T08:38:00.002-05:00

Lots to tell you, lots to tell you. First off, the party on Saturday was fun. Lil J had a great time playing with his new toys, and it was fabulous seeing everybody who came. My favorite part, however, was the next morning, when J and I were sitting on the couch with Tiny H and Lil J was off playing in the other room. Next thing we know, he toddles over to us with frosting all over his face and fingers and says "Mmm, cake good!" He'd been in the dining room sticking his fingers into the leftover cake. Heh. That's my boy.
And Tiny H has been flipping over like crazy lately! You can't even keep her on her back to change her diaper. Here is evidence:

And, lastly, I got a call from my GI doctor on Friday night with a diagnosis after the biopsies. I have a condition called eosinophilic esophagitis. Basically, my esophagus is getting inflamed with white blood cells for some reason. I'm on asthma medication (except that I swallow it instead of inhaling it) and we're hoping that'll help with the swallowing. As my Mom said, Lil J and I get the weirdest diseases. We're just too cool for lame stuff like, you know, colds.

Great Caesar's ghost!

2009-12-11T08:45:00.006-05:00

Yesterday while we were at work, Lil J did about a dozen watercolors with Grandma S., and, far be it from me to make exaggerated statements about my child, but he's the next Kandinsky! Check it out:

I'm guessing I wouldn't see it at all if he wasn't my kid, but I see a good understanding of color concepts here, an interesting use of expressive technique, and a Titian-esque use of unexpected diagonals. And I'm not even joking when I say this is far better than anything I could come up with. All I can draw are tornadoes.

Tomorrow is Lil J's 2nd birthday party, so I'll post some pictures of that next week. The fams are coming over, and we'll be having a Cars cake, so I think it'll be rockin'.

Team Slacking Off

2009-12-10T10:21:00.002-05:00

Anybody else in the mood to cut out of here, grab a hot chocolate and go watch a cheesy movie in the theatre? Not that I would actually do that because I have ethics concerning work (plus, we're having cake in here this afternoon), but it's just been one of those days. The kids are great, but everything else seems like one piece of bad news after another. Ugh. So ugh. For some reason, on days like this, I am reminded of the scene from Boomerang where Chris Rock says "First the Fat Boys break up and now this." Yes, first the Fat Boys and now this, indeed. And I haven't even heard back from the GI doctor about my biopsies yet. Although I'm feeling pretty confident they won't find anything there. My GI tract is pretty tricky and mysterious. We've had an adversarial relationship for years, and it enjoys messing with me. Anyway, yes, who's up for an afternoon showing of New Moon and a large bucket of popcorn?

Upsilon here makes a delicious cherries jubilee

2009-12-09T08:52:00.003-05:00

I know you all are dying to see this, so I shall wait no longer. Behold! My duodenum!
It kind of reminds me of a cruller. Huh. Anyway, the scope on Monday was surprisingly clean. I didn't have the expected scar tissue (which is good), but that means we still don't know why I'm having all this trouble swallowing. The doctor is getting some biopsy results today, so I'll get to talk to him and hopefully find out more. The scope itself was pretty easy since I was knocked out the whole time. But, man, did I wake up loopy! I was on that Propofol drug that killed Michael Jackson, and I have a whole new understanding as to why that dude was crazy if he was actually on that every day of his life. I may sound like a poindexter here, but I don't get the attraction of prescription drug addiction. They never make me feel good; they just make me feel confused and disoriented. And if I wanted to feel like that all the time, I'd go ahead and move to Portugal, thank you very much. Vodka gimlets make much more sense, if you ask me. So there.

I do not like the cone of shame

2009-12-03T09:55:00.002-05:00

My mother-in-law was telling us this morning that there's new evidence out there that it's good for you to only eat one meal a day. If that's true, just KILL ME NOW. I have no idea how people do that...heck, I'm up to eating about 4 or 5 times a day now. Once? The heck?

I actually am quite fearful that my GI doctor is going to give me a bunch of dietary restrictions if my scope is bad enough next week. 'Cause even though I don't smoke or drink, even I know there are things I do that don't exactly help with the heartburn. Like, say, drinking pop, considering chocolate to be a food group, throwing fits if I don't get pizza once a week, stuff like that. But, dang, if he tells me I have to cut that stuff out, I won't have any vices left. I'll have to take up shoplifting or cursing a lot. Ugh. What a pain.

Take a bath, hippie!

2009-12-02T10:59:00.003-05:00

So Thanksgiving was nice. I definitely bought too big of a turkey for just me and J, but I'm sure the neighborhood raccoons will appreciate it come this weekend. Last week, I had been kicking around the idea of going shopping on Black Friday because I'm generally up at 3 anyway, so why not, right? Well, I decided to go for it, drove over to Target at 6 a.m. on Friday and rediscovered why I'm not too big on Black Friday shopping. That place was packed. Packed, I say! We shoppers were like Pringles with how on top of each other we were. I didn't even try to go into the electronics section, which turned out to be smart because all the good stuff was gone by 6 a.m. anyway. Sweet cracker sandwich. But the good news is that I got some toys for the kids, a new coffee maker for J, and some time to myself. Why I only get time to myself when the sun is down, I don't know, but I'll take it just the same.

Yeah, and I also watched Up 3 times yesterday with Lil J. It is truly a testament to that movie's quality that I watched it 3 times in 10 hours and did NOT want to kill myself. Ahh, Pixar, don't ever change.

Oh, and in medical news, my esophagus is getting scoped next week! I can't wait to see the pictures!

You cut me real deep just now

2009-11-25T09:20:00.003-05:00

I saw a house yesterday where the homeowners had both a pumpkin on the porch and a Christmas wreath on the door. And that's just confusing. We have too much decorative flora overlap (or "floverlap," as I like to call it) this time of year. If she'd thrown a cornucopia out there, my head would have exploded. That being said, I am so psyched for Thanksgiving tomorrow! Food! Plus, we get out of work at noon today, so there is just nothing to complain about at all. Man, I love me some Thanksgiving. I could wax poetic for hours about the yams, cranberries, turkey, etc.... But I'll try to restrain myself. Partly because it's not even 9:30 and I'm already hungry for lunch. My nonstop snacking the days I'm home make my days at work particularly difficult, I don't mind saying. This could be a rough morning after all.

Touche, pussycat

2009-11-20T09:33:00.002-05:00

With all the viral videos out there on the web these days, this is still my favorite.

People, I still can't believe that Thanksgiving is in less than a week. Ever since Tiny H was born, the days are just flying by! She turned 3 months old yesterday, and I'm still in shock about it. Are she and Lil J going to be teenagers next week? 'Cause that's what it feels like.

All my years of training have prepared me for this moment

2009-11-19T09:25:00.006-05:00

I was going through some email yesterday and happened upon some pictures my sister-in-law sent me. They were taken in September at the birthday party for me and two of our nephews. The following one amused me because this is certainly NOT Lil J's usual expression when he sees cake:

In fact, we usually lure him to these get-togethers by telling him that he can see Grandma, Grandpa and CAKE, and he totally goes for it. Maybe he was just mad at how long it was taking me to remove candles. That would make more sense.

Absolutely ri-DONK-ulous, capeche?

2009-11-18T09:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, Lil J brought me a VCR tape he wanted to watch, and, lo and behold, it was Fantasia. Not the biopic of the weirdo American Idol winner, but the actual Disney movie from 1940. So I put it in the VCR, and we had a very nice time identifying colors and talking about dancing mushrooms and plants for a while there. Until he got bored. Which, really, doesn't take long when you're almost 2 and watching Fantasia. If I remember right, they rereleased that movie in the theatres when I was a kid, so my Mom and Dad took us all. My parents loved it because they were the kind of people who listened to classical music on the weekends and drove us crazy when we were teenagers, but I remember sitting in that theatre and feeling very confused and BORED OUT OF MY MIND. Even yesterday after Lil J took off to go play with blocks and I stayed in the living room to feed Tiny H, I fast forwarded through the part with the centaurs frolicking to Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony. That movie's a masterpiece, but, dang, it could use a couple car chases in there somewhere.

Dysphagia...it's what's for dinner

2009-11-12T09:12:00.004-05:00

I just ate a bagel (my boss was awesome enough to bring them in for us), and now that sucker feels completely stuck in my throat. This started happening over a month ago--whenever I eat, I get the feeling that the meal is hanging out near my voicebox for about a half hour afterwards. I went to our doctor about it ('cause I don't play when it comes to throat problems, thank you very much), and I have an appointment with a gastroenterologist in a couple weeks. The doctor seems to think that all the heartburn I had with the pregnancies caused scar tissue to form in my esophagus, so now it's not working right. Fantastic. From what I can tell on the internet, they'll probably want to scope me (whoo!) and give me anti-heartburn drugs to help things out. But, really, if it's scar tissue, it's not like they can actually fix it. I'm wondering what it would be like to live on a liquid diet. I think I'd miss pizza and cookies, but, then again, I'm a big fan of pop, so it might not be too bad. Of course, the whole liquid diet scenario is only if things are really bad, so, for now, I'll have to come up with other ways to lose weight. Like exercise and a good diet. Boring!

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

2009-11-11T09:26:00.003-05:00

I'm back! Honestly, I would have tried to post more on the blog over the past 12 weeks, but the whole thing was a blur of diapers, spit-up and waking up three times a night. Plus, there really wasn't much interesting to say. I had a wonderful time being home with the kids all day, but it's not like the three of us had long discussions about philosophy. My posts would have been more along the lines of "threw blocks around today...ate peanut butter for lunch again. Phineas and Ferb was funny. Good times." I seriously didn't get to watch much non-kid tv either. I've been recording Mad Men, The Office and 30 Rock, but it's always a crap shoot as to when I get to watch them. Although, can I just say that the last Office when Michael came into Jim's office to get him to persuade Pam not to hit him was comic genius? I could watch that 80 times and still laugh. Ahhh.
Anyway, maternity leave really was good. It was a little overwhelming at first, but once I set up a list of priorities, things were fine. And the list went as follows:

1. keep kids fed
2. keep kids in clean diapers
3. clothe kids
4. keep J fed
5. attempt 1 chore a day like laundry or dishes
6. go to the bathroom
7. become engrossed in Dr. Phil or Oprah and then not be able to watch any of it for longer than 5 minutes because a certain toddler wants to watch A Bug's Life for the 212th time.

And I'm not even joking (well, except feeding myself was actually #7). I used that mental list several times when Lil J was crying, Tiny H was hungry and my bladder was full. It was good guidance when a lot was going on at once. But I am back at work today. It feels odd. It's funny how it feels routine but not routine. Curious. However, I do know one thing: I am excited about not having to eat peanut butter for lunch. Huzzah!

I don't know...fly casual

2009-08-14T08:43:00.002-04:00

I was just reading an article titled "Scientists find rare gene behind short sleepers" and thought that was fitting since I slept for 3 and a half hours last night, woke up for 3 more hours then slept for an hour and a half until the alarm went off. But, unfortunately, I don't think this rare gene mutation applies to me because the subjects of that study have no ill effects from their short amount of sleep. Whereas I am currently unaware of how I got here this morning and am trying to prop up my head with the help of a large format flatbed scanner. But I think that's an interesting idea that your genes might control what kind of sleep you get. I've never really understood why I have so much trouble sleeping, and I like the idea that I can just blame it on my genes instead of thinking I'm doing something wrong. I remember back when I worked out 5 days a week, a lot of people said to me "Well, that's great because you'll probably sleep better now," and it never happened. But I look back at pictures from that era, and I really was rocking quite the meth addict look. Skinny, exhausted, still refusing to brush my hair...aww yeah. I was so sexy it hurt.

You tell that pile of worm-ridden filth that he'll get no such pleasure from us

2009-08-13T09:20:00.007-04:00

Again, probably being overly critical of myself here, but I went in the bathroom this morning and was concerned by how my face appears. It sort of reminds me of this:

Fortunately, I have not recently looked upon the power of God, so I don't think my face is actually melting off, but it does sort of seem like the skin that used to be up around my cheeks is pooling toward my chin. Sigh. I've got to stop looking at myself until...well, I would say until the baby's born, but it takes me a while to bounce back, so maybe I'll just hold off on mirrors until about 2011. That might be a better idea.

The drink...I give it up!

2009-08-12T08:55:00.002-04:00

I went to the OB's on Monday and the doctor told me I am now 3 cm dilated and "so soft that this should be a really quick delivery." News that I first greeted with hearty smiles and feelings of relief...until the doctor joked "which is only good if you live right by the hospital." Dang it! I do not want to have a taxicab baby! But she also said I could go any time this week, so I'm trying to mentally psych myself up. I tell you what, the thing that I really can't get over is the fact that when I was 3 cm dilated with Lil J, I was lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors, getting the IV, etc.... Now, I'm just walking around, knocking back root beers and watching Shrek while I dilate. It's a very strange feeling. J has this theory that my body is going to keep dilating without any symptoms until I'm at 10, and then POW! the baby will just explode out of my body with one big contraction. Which is probably how he'd want to do it if he was having a baby, but I'm not sure that would be such a good thing. For instance, I wear jeans a lot. You see what I'm saying. Anyway, I will keep you posted if a child comes careening out of my areas while I'm sitting here Photoshopping nude figure painting. That would be quite a story to tell her friends.

She sleeps above the covers...three feet above the covers!

2009-08-07T08:29:00.003-04:00

I don't know how this happened, but we've got a sprinter on our hands. I was sitting on the porch with Lil J yesterday when J came home from work, and when Lil J saw his Daddy, he got excited and started jogging down the sidewalk to see him. And then he just kept going. Apparently, those two jogged over a mile around the neighborhood while I waited for them. From what J was telling me, Lil J would stop every once in a while to point out rocks, flowers, holes and bugs, but he was pretty much jogging the whole way. This is astounding to me. It must come from J's side of the family. As I'm always telling people, my lineage is very Eastern European, and those people are not designed for swiftness. We are a people meant to carry heavy loads on our backs and beat mules with massive logs. And this is why you never see a Pole winning the New York Marathon. True story.

I'm a mog

2009-08-06T08:23:00.002-04:00

Today is the day that half the library staff is taking off to go to a conference 2 hours away. For the most part, I'm glad I get to stay here and not have to worry about going into labor in a different town or somebody else's car (although that's only slightly more frightening than going into labor in my own car), but I found out yesterday that the librarians are all going to a party tonight that features a build-your-own-taco bar. Mmmm. And then there's an ice cream social afterwards. Just think, if I was free to roam around a build-your-own-taco bar and ice cream social, I could probably eat whatever I wanted, and nobody would say anything. It would be like letting a hungry grizzly bear loose in a Golden Corral. Think of the carnage! That dessert station would be toast!

Tractors is so stupid

2009-08-05T09:06:00.003-04:00

Has anyone else noticed that the plot of Cars is basically the same as Doc Hollywood? Although I think Cars is actually a far superior movie. But I'm probably a little biased because Cars features Tony Shalhoub doing his Antonio Scarpacci voice, and I always thought Antonio Scarpacci was one of the best part of Wings. "You do not know what you want. Luigi knows what you want."

So I had an OB appointment yesterday, and the nurse practitioner (my OB was out delivering a baby) said I'm between 1 and 2 cm dilated and I'm starting to efface. She said that's pretty typical for a second baby, and she didn't seem to think anything would happen this week. Which is fine with me. I'm too tired to even think about giving birth right now. I've got another appointment next week, which I think will be much more telling about what's going to happen. Definitely feels like we're getting close now, so I'm excited. Last time I gave birth, I got a baby AND a cookie bouquet, so there's much to look forward to!

Was that floating like a Cadillac or stinging like a Beamer? I'm confused

2009-07-31T08:31:00.003-04:00

I woke up so many times last night that I remember a couple of my dreams quite vividly. In one, I was standing over the kitchen trash can sawing off my toes with a wide-toothed Goody comb while Lil J and Grandma S. played in the family room. No pain, but lots of blood, and I can't remember why I was sawing off my own toes. And then I had another dream that I was desperately trying to take all of Lil J's pants and cut them down into shorts like I was on some sort of deadline. Seems to me that both of these have something to do with delivery-related anxiety. Like my body is preparing to have something removed, and my brain is worried that I have enough small clothes for the baby to wear. OR I'm having lots of misfiring neurotransmitters and am thus talking all crazy. One of those. But I will say this: I have got to get more sleep. Stupid bladder.

The secret ingredient is salt

2009-07-30T09:18:00.003-04:00

Here is what I will be doing today: scanning slides of the American West from the 1950's. Here is what I would like to be doing today: sneakily going out to the van, driving to a theatre to watch the new Harry Potter movie, getting a haircut and then spending the rest of the afternoon reading a book outside under a shade tree whilst snacking on lemon cookies. Alas. Yeah, the day actually started out fine today, but then a couple things happened that put me in a funk, so now I'm trying to devise a way to get my groove back. Well, who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and the power will go out in the building and I'll get to leave early today. One advantage of working at an urban campus is that every summer somebody's doing some construction on something, and they invariably knock out an electric cable, so our power goes off. It hasn't happened yet this year, so we're due for one. Hey, negligent construction worker who's distracted and half high on meth, I'm counting on you! Do it!

Ever since I was a lowercase "g"

2009-07-29T09:48:00.002-04:00

My Mom, older sister and nephews #2 and #5 (who are now ages 5 and 3) came over on Monday to help me out. That was awesome. That day just flew by because the boys were running around and playing, and my Mom took Lil J every time he needed to go upstairs or downstairs, so it was really nice. Of course, at one point my sister laughed at me when she saw me limping around the kitchen, but that's only fair considering I still taunt her about the time in high school when she got up to turn off the alarm clock and both her legs were asleep, so she fell straight to the floor. I tell you, what comes around goes around, people. It ain't no lie. Anyway, for the most part, I've been able to stay off my feet, so the sciatica seems to be easing up. Sweet merciful crap. But (and let me just warn you that this topic may be too gross for some readers) I'm actually really looking forward to my next OB appointment on Tuesday. I'm at 36 weeks today (which is a big relief), but I'm actually really curious to find out if I'm dilated or effaced yet. I love to know that stuff. Even though it doesn't seem to be any real indicator of what's going to happen when, I still feel better knowing if she's head-down in there, playing Yahtzee, whatever.

Check this out: a student worker just came in here and told me she has mushrooms growing on her apartment walls. I'm no scientist, but that cannot be good.

Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?

2009-07-24T08:59:00.003-04:00

Do you realize that the plot of A Bug's Life is essentially that of The Three Amigos? El Guapo = Hopper. Think about it. And now I can't get "Farley, farley, farley, hfffhrrr!" out of my head.

I came back from lunch yesterday and saw one of our student workers eating a bagel sans cream cheese out at the front desk. So, for some reason, I said to him "Tyler! Put some cream cheese on that bagel!" and he looked at me all surprised and said "It's got raisins in it" and I replied "Ahh, so the raisins are accoutrements enough for you." You know, even I can see why so many people think I'm weird when I go around saying things like that...especially when I don't know what they mean.

I had some trouble sleeping last night because the baby was taking turns pressing on my bladder and then jabbing me in the ribs. I swear, at one point, she was pushing so hard on my right set of ribs that I heard a soft pop and wondered if she dislocated something. I just wish I could get her the message that the only way out of there is down and out, not up and over.

Isn't this place a geographical oddity? 2 weeks from everywhere!

2009-07-23T09:33:00.002-04:00

My boss brought in bagels this morning, so I just inhaled an entire everything bagel with cream cheese. I feel like a complete glutton, but it was so delicious. Mmm...carbs.

A couple things in the news lately have gotten my attention. First off, if the police showed up at my house and said they thought I was breaking into it and didn't believe it was my home even after I showed them my ID, I, too, would be upset. So if the police then arrested me for disorderly conduct after I showed my disapproval, I'd probably want to punch somebody. Secondly, it's getting harder and harder to defend the medical profession when you find out Michael Jackson had over 19 doctors prescribing different medications to him including a hospital-grade anesthetic that had to be administered by IV. I still believe the vast majority of doctors are more responsible and caring than that, but what the heck is that about? Are there really that many doctors out there whose prescription pads are basically for sale? That depresses me.

What doesn't depress me? First, the fact that my friend at work made us an entire pan of homemade cinnamon rolls to take home. Second, recalling how when we got home from work yesterday, Lil J and Grandma S. were sitting on the porch waiting for us, so I stuck my head out the car window and yelled "Hi!" and Lil J yelled back "I got da Buzz!" The lesson in all this: friends and family are good; doctors and police are bad. Heh. I kid.

Well, slotted pig, they're standard issue

2009-07-22T09:31:00.003-04:00

Oh man, Grandma S. scored some serious Lil J points this morning when she arrived to babysit. Not only did she have two shopping bags full of Disney videos, but she also had 3 Buzz Lightyear dolls, a Buzz Lightyear flashlight, Buzz Lightyear pajamas AND a pair of Buzz Lightyear light-up shoes with her. Lil J didn't even come to the door to say goodbye to me and Da Da because he was so busy playing with all that stuff. I stuck my head back in and yelled "Bye!" and all I heard in reply was "Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!" Ok, then.

Sciatica update: things still suck. Now that the baby is sitting directly on my bladder, my entire lower torso feels like a festival of pain. And when I visited the OB on Monday, she even said there's basically nothing we can do. I even begged her to induce me, and she just laughed...like I was joking or something. Anyway, the good news is that I'm getting better about asking for help and just refusing to move unless I absolutely have to. "Oh, Lil J, you want some cheese out of the fridge? Get it yourself! And bring Mommy a sandwich!"

She's a fatty bobalatty, fatty bobalatty

2009-07-17T09:47:00.002-04:00

You know what? I don't think Robert Goulet gets the props he deserves. I noticed the other day that he's the voice singing You've Got a Friend in Me at the end of Toy Story 2, and I said to J, "Hey! That's Robert Goulet singing!" and J had no idea who I was talking about. Sad. It's Goulet! Does nobody appreciate the Goulet anymore? Well, actually, apparently Will Ferrell does. I just found this random clip on YouTube. Never seen it before, but I'm glad I have now. Don't know what the deal is with the whale in the back though. I guess some things transcend explanation.

And I'm getting a real craving for some Sonic French toast sticks. Anybody want to run over there and pick some up for me? I would, see, but I have this gimpy leg.

Electric mobility now!

2009-07-16T08:49:00.002-04:00

It's time to set up the donation can so that we can raise enough money for me to finally get that Hoveround we've been talking about. I called the nurse on Monday and she determined that I indeed have the sciatica, and that is why my left leg is basically useless and I'm hobbling around like the last surviving WWI vet. And you know what is really disturbing about this? I still have six weeks to go until the due date. 6 WEEKS! And since the nurse said that this will go away once the baby's born, I am therefore giving my uterus daily pep talks to encourage it to start contracting. As long as she makes it to full term, I am totally ok with her coming a little early. This is so painful, I'm even considering asking my OB to induce me at 36 weeks. And, of course, she'll laugh at me and tell me to get bent, which she should. But I'm just saying. It hurts, is all.

"Your manager said to shut up!" "Vera said that?"

2009-07-15T09:27:00.002-04:00

I'm noticing a disturbing trend out there amongst a certain subset of Americans: the inability to conjugate the verbs "to see" and "to come." I first detected this trend while watching the local news and noticing that people who are often witnesses to crime or have been recent victims of violent thunderstorms were saying things like "I come home from work, and I seen that my trailer was blowed over." But then I was watching this show about megahogs on Saturday (and can I just say how much I'm looking forward to college football starting so there's something decent to watch on Saturday afternoons again?), and, once again, there's this guy from central Georgia stating that "I come up the hill in my pickup, and I seen this big ol' hog in the woods, so I shot 'im with my rifle." What is with this? These are not difficult verbs to learn. In fact, "came" and "saw" are just as short or shorter than what they're saying. And it's apparently spreading across the entire country! Sigh.

But, Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!

2009-07-10T09:07:00.002-04:00

Oooh, we had a little bit of the old neighborhood drama this morning. I was in the living room with Lil J and saw some kids walking on the sidewalk by our house. It was 4 teenagers (2 guys and 2 girls), and they were all wearing pajamas, just meandering down the street at 6:50 in the morning. Seriously, one of the guys was only wearing shorts. And I recognized that classy gentleman as the kid who lives 4 doors down, a home that doesn't quite fit in with our current neighborhood but would have done quite well on our old street, what with its sagging gutters, rotting fascia boards and weeds that have conquered the front yard. So anyway, a couple minutes later, I notice a police car outside that house, and then a few minutes after that, 4 more police cars came by. So I'm not really sure what these kids are up to over there, but the cynical adult in me can see nothing good about a group of teenagers wandering the streets in their jammies before 7 a.m.. And I will also say that if I ever catch my daughter out and about in that kind of tank top, she is going to have another thing coming. Oh yeah. Bring the pain.

Don't not panic

2009-07-09T08:57:00.002-04:00

Bob howdy, last night was not fun. Pretty much everything from my ribcage down was aching, but I still managed to cook dinner and get the table ready. Then I sat down and discovered that my stomach was so smushed by my uterus that I could only eat a couple bites of vegetables and a glass of Kool-Aid before I felt full. That is so pitiful. Fortunately, after I went to bed last night and got to lay down for a while, I started to feel a lot better and, lo and behold, I ate a whole bowl of cereal and drank a glass of juice this morning. But I'm feeling a trifle dehydrated right now, so I'm going to go get some water and hope that it doesn't fill me up so much that I can't eat lunch. I wonder if this is how supermodels operate on a daily basis...? "Oh, a Cheez-it? No, thanks. I just had half a glass of Crystal Light. I couldn't possibly eat another thing!" Weirdos.

Tell that to George Zipp

2009-07-08T10:08:00.002-04:00

I was all set to write a nice little post about the surprise baby shower my sisters-in-law threw us on Sunday (and it really was cute and awesome and unexpected...and I'm really happy to say that we now have too many cute outfits to choose from for her picture at the hospital instead of trying to figure out which newborn onesie to take with us because it has the least amount of puke stains on it), but then I got to work today and saw an email from my sister that her bulldog, Buster, died. Awww. Buster had developed Addison's disease a couple months ago (who even knew a dog could get that?) and wasn't doing well. So it wasn't a huge shock, I don't think, but still very sad as he was a good, loyal dog and only 8 years old. But between Buster's untimely end and Preshose's death a couple weeks ago, I'm starting to worry about the rest of the pets on my side of the family. I think my older sister's dog and the Wubby J. need to go into hiding or something. I feel like there's some weird, cat-and-dog Final Destination stuff going on, and it's freaking me out.

This? This is Kent

2009-07-02T09:29:00.002-04:00

While the 4th of July has never been my favorite holiday (too hot), this year, it's going to be really sad since we don't have a charcoal grill anymore (we left our previous Weber grill at the old house when we moved...I don't think J even put it in the shed or anything...just left it there in the backyard like some sort of rusty sentinel). Bummer. I'm not even sure what we're going to do on Saturday. I feel like we ought to do something to celebrate the country and all, but I'm pretty positive that taking Lil J to a fireworks display would be a very bad idea. So no fireworks, no charcoal-grilled dogs...I'll just have to find something really American to do. Maybe we'll all put on fanny packs and baseball caps, go to a large discount store and purchase items on credit that we can't really afford while carrying concealed firearms and referring to Chicago as a state. Yes, that sounds delightful.

Moving buddies: if you don't have one, get one!

2009-07-01T10:29:00.003-04:00

The other night, we were all in Lil J's room getting him ready for bed, and I was telling J how I'd gotten one of those excruciating leg cramps the previous night. So J told me that if that happens again, I should wake him up and get him to rub the cramp out of my leg, to which I replied "No, I don't want to wake you up in the middle of the night all urgently like that." And he said "Oh, I get it. You're afraid that if you wake me up that way, I'll hop out of bed, yell 'Aliens!' and jump out the window." And, people, once I had that mental image in my head, it took me about half an hour to stop laughing. Seriously, I haven't had a case of uncontrollable giggles like that in a while. Not only does the idea of him jumping out our bedroom window in a panic just make me laugh (because I'm a sick, sick person), but it's so funny to me because IT'S COMPLETELY TRUE. He nailed it. J has enough trouble staying in bed most nights; I'm not about to freak him out more than I have to. A leg cramp is the least of my nighttime troubles, for crying out loud.

Yo, Ding Dong, man, Ding Dong. Ding Dong, yo.

2009-06-26T08:14:00.004-04:00

I was really surprised to hear about Michael Jackson's death yesterday, although I can't say I'm really torn up about it. I don't want to make light of it and I know he was very important to a lot of people, but, let's be honest here, that dude was weird. And not in the cute way. I mean, seriously, can someone explain to me how an African-American man has three white kids? I think for a while there, his people were saying he was the biological father, but once you've seen pictures of those kids (who all look suspiciously like Kirk Cameron, by the way), that's pretty hard to believe. But I heard one commentator on the news this morning bring up the possibility that his cardiac arrest was caused by either drugs or anorexia. Huh. I wonder how many middle-aged men die of anorexia. Can't be a lot. But, as my friend from work was saying, not a lot of men were dragged into strip clubs at age 5 to perform in a band, so all bets were off when it came to MJ, I guess. What a strange person.

Darth Diaperpants

2009-06-25T08:31:00.003-04:00

Just want to say one thing about Governor Sanford from SC: ewww. Why are politicians so gross and slimy? And Sanford, in particular, is apparently suffering from either a huge ego or severe stupidity, thinking he could run off to South America to see his girlfriend and nobody would notice. Moron.

But on to better things! I told you I'd post some of Lil J's recent portraits, so here goes. I think they turned out really well, and I'm completely blown over when I realize this little guy is not really a baby anymore.

Could you describe the ruckus?

2009-06-24T09:14:00.003-04:00

One of our student workers just walked in and asked how the baby's doing, and I said "fine" because, as far as I know, things are just peachy in my uterus. Then he asked if I was feeling excited, and (maybe it's because I've been awake since 4 today and am feeling kind of cranks) I said "Well, yeah, but I have 9 more weeks, so I'm not a flurry of excitement yet." And he told me he was three months early and that "you never know." Bite your tongue, young man. While I would be happy with her arrival at any time, I'm not at all hoping she comes THIS early. Preemies are not exactly easy to take care of, from what I've heard. And, geez, I can remember being nervous the first 4 months Lil J was alive and couldn't hold his head up on his own yet. I can't imagine holding a 4-pound baby and not getting a head of gray hair. Gah. I don't need this kind of pressure from a 19-year-old! I need to put a sign on my chest that reads "Any comments about my baby or appearance should be filed with YOUR BUTT. Thank you." Is that too harsh?

For real, give it what you got

2009-06-19T09:38:00.002-04:00

Do you ever get a stray hair stuck on the tip of your nose, and it starts to tickle until you move the hair away? I've got that exact tickle-y feeling at the end of my nose, but there's no hair there. In fact, it's felt like this since yesterday afternoon for no apparent reason. It's starting to drive me crazy. Is this some weird pregnancy-related problem? Because What To Expect When You're Expecting never covered phantom nose hair tickles. Jerks. This reminds me of how I get when I go out on a windy day and a chunk of my hair gets blown to the other side of my part, and it drives me crazy until I can flop it back to where it belongs. Maybe I have a really sensitive head. I don't know. It's entirely possible I just need to find more engaging hobbies.

Poor Preshose

2009-06-18T09:31:00.005-04:00

My Mom emailed last night and told me that her 17-year-old cat died on Monday. Awww. Now, technically, her cat's name was Portia, but because my younger sister and I have never met a name we didn't mutilate into some bizarre nickname, we called her De Preshose. And it's too bad I can't record sound on here, because there's a very particular way you pronounce that. In fact, we knew my older sister's husband was a keeper when he finally came around to saying "Preshose" the correct way. But Preshose was one of those cats that had a lot of...personality. She was...edgy. Frankly, I don't think she ever really liked me, but she and Mom got along, so that's what was important. And I'm pretty sure she viewed the world as a place full of danger, fright and moral depravity. Thus, she never ran away because she knew she had it pretty good where she was. So, in that way, she was pretty smart. Here's a picture:

Mom said that Preshose passed away quietly without any pain or drama. And I like to think she died happily...knowing I was almost a hundred miles away. Heh.

When you're bent over moaning and wailing, you lick your palms

2009-06-17T09:08:00.003-04:00

My older sister, who has been a total lifesaver when it comes to giving us stuff for Lil J and the impending baby, gave me a bunch of maternity clothes a while back. Yesterday, I was wearing one of her shirts, this white tee with a faux logo on the front that says something like "City Gym Authentic." And, as I was telling J when he saw me wearing it, I can only assume the designer of that shirt was trying to be funny. Because, folks, I am anything but the picture of athleticism at the moment. Lil J keeps wanting to go on these long walks through the neighborhood lately (since the weather's been so nice), and by the end of the day yesterday, everything south of my equator was aching. Intellectually, I know the exercise is good for me, but I'm still amazed by how much it physically hurts to walk. And, I swear, after our longest hike of the day, it totally felt like the baby had dropped. Ugh. I cannot wait until it starts to get really hot and I'm the size of Mt. Fuji. It's gonna be fantastic.

On the telephone?

2009-06-12T10:52:00.002-04:00

Most of the library staff is heading up to Toledo in August for a conference that they do every year, and my boss asked if I was going to join them or not. I pondered that for a while, and even though I would like to look as professional as possible and learn new things about my job, the thought that I'd be two hours away by car and go into labor two weeks early is enough to make me stay here. But it was amusing because I was really going back and forth about it, but when I asked J what he thought this morning, his response was "Absolutely not." As if Toledo has suddenly become some Mad Max-type desert wasteland populated by savage mutants driving dune buggies and shooting rifles up in the air. Although, can I just say that my favorite part of Weird Science is when the savage Mad Max-type mutants are leaving Wyatt's house at the end and the one says "Can we keep this to ourselves? I'd hate to lose my teaching position." Ha! Excellent movie.

Where is my super suit?

2009-06-11T09:14:00.002-04:00

Oh man, I am wiped out this morning. Been up since 1:45. And here's the sad part: I kept almost falling back to sleep then something else would wake me up, so I'm both tired AND feeling like the universe is conspiring against me. I miss Nyquil. I really, really do.

But here's some good news: I got my test results back and I do not have gestational diabetes. Whoo! Bring on the lemon meringue pie! My iron is a little bit low, however, so I'm taking iron pills every day. But I totally saw that coming. Not only was my iron low when I was pregnant with Lil J, but I have developed a really strong aversion to meat this time around, so it's not surprising. Seriously, never in my life have I turned down a hamburger until now. And don't get me started on pork chops. Blech.

Cigar and a pancake?

2009-06-04T09:12:00.002-04:00

I'm excited because this weekend, J and I are actually planning on going out alone together! I know, shocking! We seriously have not been out on a date since Lil J was born 18 months ago. Now, I know a lot of people find that weird, but let me just explain that when you spend the first year of your first child's life shuttling him to various hospitals and doctor's appointments and you have specialists telling you that if he catches a cold, it could cut off his breathing, the last thing you want to do is leave the house for a couple hours to catch the latest Shia Lebeouf masterpiece. You just feel like a heel. Heck, I've only gotten two haircuts in the last 18 months, too. Wow, that really is kind of sad, isn't it? ANYWAY, so we're finally getting my Mom to come over and babysit Lil J for a few hours this weekend so we can get something to eat and see a movie (if everything works out ok, that is). So now we have to decide on where to eat and which movie to see. I'm thinking steak and Star Trek. Word. Up.

You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs

2009-06-03T10:35:00.002-04:00

I just had all my labs done this morning (glucose, iron level and the shot I have to take because I'm Rh negative). I won't go into details, but, man, my hiney hurts. I'm very curious to hear how the glucose and iron tests come out because I've been really tired lately (low iron?), and if I have to cut carbs out of my diet, I might kill somebody. Yesterday, I almost kicked the tar out of Lil J's new booster seat because I kept hitting it with the stroller. I seriously lost it on that thing. Lil J was looking at me like I was completely crazy. But, with the aplomb of the young, he just got back to collecting letters to put in his cup holder and forgot about it in 5 seconds. He's very good at letting things roll off his back...unless we're talking about me not giving him his bubbles. Then he gets REALLY upset.

I want something lemon-y. Like a slice of lemon pie with a glass of lemonade. Mmm.

I gotta stop reading so much

2009-05-29T09:37:00.002-04:00

I am currently reading two books: the Pride and Prejudice meets zombies novel and another Victorian murder mystery. One's at home and one's at work, so I just read either one whenever I have a few minutes. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is pretty hilarious, but this mystery is actually sort of upsetting. The focus of this one is the plight of orphaned children in mid-19th century London, and how many of them wound up homeless, starving and exploited in the sex trade. It's just plain depressing. And I'm pretty sure I would have found this depressing before I had Lil J, but it's even worse now, thinking about someone so innocent ultimately being forced into a life like that. Ugh. I know life in America right now isn't perfect, but, man, I'm glad we at least have agencies and programs set up to help kids if they can be found. People in our old neighborhood used to complain about Children's Services all the time (because, what a surprise, they were AWFUL parents), but, really? You really think people are better off without an agency that at least makes an attempt to intervene on behalf of innocent children? And these workers still keep trying even when a kid falls through the cracks and gets killed by their mom's 17-year-old boyfriend? Horrible stuff. Good grief, I need a drink.

Resistance is futile

2009-05-28T09:21:00.003-04:00

I wish somebody could figure out a way to get the Gosselins to stop talking about their lives in public. Please, for the love of all that is good, send the tv cameras away, put down the pen for your tell-all book and refuse calls from People magazine. This has ceased to be entertaining. Was it cute when I caught an episode of their show a while back and saw the 8 kids feeding chickens on a farm? Sure. Is it cute to hear how money-grubbing, petty and weak the parents are in real life? Not so much.

I also wish somebody could develop a way to convert human fat into a fuel for cars and the home. We could live off my Zingers addiction all winter long.

And, finally, I wish for world peace and a good sandwich for lunch today. That is all.

You are a sad, strange little man

2009-05-27T09:08:00.007-04:00

I went to the OB's office yesterday for my monthly checkup, and my blood pressure was 102/50. I don't think she needs to worry about me developing pre-eclampsia so much as me passing out during delivery. Righteous. Ooh, but next week I have my glucose test, my Rhogam shot AND my blood work done. I would not be at all surprised if my iron is low, but I'm really hoping I don't have the gestational diabetes. My current diet consists of about 95% carbs, so that would really cramp my style for the next three months.

We had a nice Memorial Day. On Sunday, we went to J's brother's house for a cookout, and my sister-in-law surprised us with this for Lil J:She got it from a neighbor that was going to throw it out, and once J did a minor repair on it, it works fine, so we got a total deal there. But Lil J LOVES this thing. He can't pedal it yet, but he can steer it, so he comes careening down the driveway and drives off down the sidewalk before you know what happened. Good preparation for when he turns 16.

Come to me, my jungle friends

2009-05-22T08:41:00.003-04:00

One of the many things Lil J and I have in common is our love for rainbow sherbet. We share bowls of it all the time. So last night after dinner, I asked him if he wanted any (and he actually turned me down...I think it was because he overloaded on mashed potatoes), and J pointed out that Lil J is going to be the only kid in the world who actually pronounces it "sherbet" instead of "sherbert." And I said "Well, it's supposed to be pronounced 'sherbet' because the other way is WRONG," and J just sort of shook his head in that sad way, like I'm dooming the kid to nerdhood because I'm not throwing consonants around where they don't belong. I also don't tell Lil J to go eat "dronuts" or throw me a "brasketball" either, so why would I pronounce it "sherbert?" I refuse to dumb it down just to fit in! I may not have been popular in high school, but at least I didn't say "supposively!"

She could definitely tear your jaw off

2009-05-21T11:21:00.007-04:00

I'm doing Japanese paintings now, and I discovered something that explains the appearances of the ghosts in The Grudge. Freaky: And this is a closeup of her face:She need some bronzer stat! This was painted in the early 19th century by two artists named Goshun and Matsumura Keibun. I bet they had no idea they'd inspire a hokey horror movie 200 years later.

Now bring me some Twinkies, dang it

2009-05-21T09:24:00.003-04:00

The past two days, I've been scanning dozens of Chinese paintings for a professor, and, let me tell you, once you have seen about 30 Chinese landscape paintings, they all start to look alike. Sure, they're all very well-done and beautiful but in a repetitive sort of way. And I have about 300 more to do. Good grief. I've started scouring the images to see if the artists put any chimpanzees in diapers in the trees like some sort of 16th century Where's Waldo. Haven't found one yet.

I got an email from my Mom this morning that (probably inadvertently) sounded like she was warning me not to get fat. Ok, to anybody out there that's tempted to call me "big" right now: I am not fat. I am 7 months pregnant. There is a difference. And I reserve the right to point out flaws in your hair, body, and general disposition if you insist on calling me "big." Don't say I didn't warn you.

This burrito is delish, but it is filling!

2009-05-15T11:26:00.003-04:00

Lil J had an ENT appointment this morning, and all went well. Yay! The doctor wants to scope him sometime in the next few months to make sure his hemangioma is still shrinking, but we can deal with that. Lil J's big enough now that he won't have to go in ICU afterwards, which is a big relief.

I got to see last night's The Office this morning. Awww! I don't want to ruin it for anybody, but...well...awwww!

I'm not sure what we'll end up doing this weekend, but we're considering going to our local herb festival tomorrow if the weather is nice. Apparently, our suburb considers itself the Herb Capital of Ohio, which is pretty funny when you think about some of the less legal herbs out there. But I think that might be a fun way to spend the afternoon: looking at necklaces made of basil and pies made of thyme. Maybe they'll have some fennel cakes (har dee har).

Where is Grandpa's automobile?

2009-05-14T08:47:00.002-04:00

I'm so confused. I watched Lost on the DVR this morning (and I feel obligated to point out I've been up since 2 this morning...honestly, I only tell you this because I'm amazed by it myself), and I have no idea what's going on anymore. I have developed a theory that not-dead Locke (a.ka. the guy from the first scene with Jacob) is also the smoke monster, the Christian Shepherd apparition AND Amelia Earhart. I have the feeling that Jacob and Mr. Loophole are some sort of yin/yang, light/dark god-like brothers or something. But dang if I wasn't disappointed to see Jacob go at the end. I feel like we were just getting to know him. I guess all I can say is that it's going to be a long wait until January. Not as perplexing, but long nonetheless.

I'm giving my final exam to the history of design class tonight. Best thing about that? I can just sit there and zone out while they take it. Sweet.

How do you please to these charges?

2009-05-13T09:38:00.002-04:00

I took Lil J to Chick-fil-a yesterday so he could play on their indoor tree house, and I'm noticing a disturbing trend whenever I take him to these public indoor play areas: jerky kids. Yesterday, there were two 4-year-old girls in there at the same time, and one of them was very sweet and kind, but the other was a bossy, mean little banshee. Both girls got in the tree house (which was for kids under 3, let me just say) and when Lil J tried to say "hi" and get in there with them, the twee banshee screamed at him. So he ran over to me, and (because I had had it with that little troll) I said to her "Do not scream at him" and she actually sassed me back and said "This is OUR house," to which I replied "No, it's everyone's house." And she was fine after that, but could someone explain to me how a 4-year-old is already that bossy, territorial and mean to a child that much smaller than her? And in comparison to the other girl her age, the differences were so acute. It just really made me wonder what the she-goblin's parents have done wrong...cause I don't want to repeat them. And I'm wondering very much how her parents would have reacted if they'd heard me talk to their daughter like that. Hmmm.

You cannot steal what is legally your property

2009-05-08T08:45:00.003-04:00

I was dreaming about zombies again last night. I was up from about 2 to 4:30, so I went downstairs, did some dishes, watched The Office, 30 Rock and some of the Cavaliers/Hawks game (which, let me tell you, was a dehumanizing defeat for the Hawks. It looked like the Cavaliers playing my 8th grade basketball team on national tv...just sad), and then went back up to bed. I think going back to sleep that late at night made me have some really vivid dreams because I clearly remember hiding out in a London conservatory, a female zombie reaching through the windows, then running away and getting bitten in the leg by a male zombie in Hyde Park. Honestly, I don't think it's the zombies that scare me so much as the idea of being eaten alive. I never should have had that conversation yesterday afternoon with one of my old student workers about being eaten by a bear. I gotta stop doing that.

Click it or ticket

2009-05-07T09:57:00.002-04:00

I hate having to make life decisions. I'm so much happier when things just sort of happen. I'm feeling very conflicted about some work issues right now, and, when I think about these issues, I feel like my brain clouds up and I can't really think or see straight. I hate that feeling. I thrive on clarity...which may sound surprising to people who, you know, hear me talk, but it's really true. I readily accept that the world is full of shades of gray, ambiguous situations, etc..., but I need to feel that in the midst of all that chaos, I at least have a good handle on what I'm doing with myself. So this not knowing what to do makes me very uncomfortable. I wonder if one day I'm just going to lose it and wind up lecturing the patrons of our local Speedway about the nature of the universe while the staff tries to think of a polite way to tell me to "beat it." I'm on an express elevator to Crazytown, people! Whoo!

The low rider drives a little slower

2009-05-06T09:31:00.003-04:00

On Sunday, we headed out to Lowe's and Target to pick up some stuff for the house. I don't know why exactly, but after walking around Lowe's for half an hour, the ol' belly started to feel really heavy and uncomfortable. So I'm limping around, trying to keep up with Lil J and wishing I'd gotten one of those belly slings for the enormously pregnant [...well, not really. If I'd really wanted one, I'd have bought it. I just can't stomach (ha!) the idea of needing a sling for my body parts unless something's actually broken. It seems...I don't know...ultra-wussy]. So as we're walking into Target after Lowe's, J saw how pitiful I looked and insisted I drive one of those motorized scooters through the store. And I was so tired that I did it. People, let me tell you something, those things are awesome! Sure, you feel silly for the first couple minutes, but after that, it's so much fun! It's like driving a golf cart in a store. Genius! It gets a little hard when you let a 16-month-old sit in your lap and he wants to keep putting it in reverse and almost mows down a couple kindergarteners, but, other than that, I would totally do it again. In fact, I wish I had one right now so I could drive to the break room and get some coffee cake.

I refuse to wear clothing or jewelry with my name on it

2009-05-01T09:26:00.003-04:00

Check this out: I've been up since 3 this morning, so I went downstairs and watched Lost, The Office and 30 Rock on the DVR until 5. I feel like I've got entertainment overload. Lost was nuts. I don't want to ruin anything for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, so stop reading if you haven't, but is Dan really dead? That was a shocker! Never should have gone into that camp with a raised gun. They don't call them "hostiles" for nothing there, Brainiac. I didn't find The Office particularly hilarious, but 30 Rock killed me as usual. Love the Jack Donaghy, love the Liz Lemon, love the Tracy Jordan, but I kind of wish they'd cool it with the Jenna storylines. As opposed to the other characters, she's really irritating without much charm. I remember telling Hannah one time about a coworker who was both incredibly mean to people and quite offensive to the senses, and she said "Really, she ought to pick just one." I think that's a good rule of thumb. If you're going to be super-ugly, at least try to bring in cupcakes once in a while. That's all I'm saying.

I've seen her dehydrate, sir. It's pretty gross.

2009-04-30T08:38:00.003-04:00

Note to the administration of this here fine institution: if at any point you're incredibly concerned about an outbreak of swine flu, please feel free to shut this place down and keep paying the staff anyway. I have absolutely no problem with that. I believe there have been a couple cases of swine flu reported here in central Ohio, but nobody's died yet, thank goodness. It still kind of blows my mind that in this day and age, people die of the flu. Again, I think if some genius could figure out a way to sell cute, safe IVs at Target, that would be a big help. I don't know if everyone who dies from the flu dies from dehydration or pneumonia or what, but there have been many a day when I would have liked to hook myself up to an IV without going to a doctor. Cause I'm basically just not much of a water drinker. Never have been. I prefer my beverages to come with fizz, unnatural fruit flavors and/or candy in the bottom of the bottle. Plain water? BORING.

Sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch

2009-04-29T10:47:00.002-04:00

Lil J's best friend (the cute 9-year-old girl across the street) saw J bringing in the trash cans last night, and yelled over to him something along the lines of "Guess what? Somebody stole my bike and spray painted it black and my friend lives next door to them and saw it so the police went over there and they were growing marijuana in their backyard!" Man! You move all the way across town thinking you're getting away from this, and it turns out it's going on everywhere. Although, really, I have no way to verify this information, and for all I know, there's some dude in this house with a horrible glaucoma problem, but it all seemed so eerily familiar. If I see even one 1970's-era Cadillac parked on our street, we're moving again.

Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen. Found 'em.

2009-04-24T08:10:00.003-04:00

I just found out this morning that I need to find another babysitter for Lil J next week. Oooh, the stress. I'm trying to save up as much time off as I can for maternity leave, J's job really needs more notice if he's going to take off three days in a row, and everyone I know is working next week. I may have to bring the little guy to work in a crate and let him chew on library books all day. "Boss, I got us a new paper shredder. He's even cheaper than the ones at Office Max. Whoo!" I wonder if she'll go for that....

You know, if it wasn't for this Craigslist killer case in the news, I would never have known that Craiglist has an "erotic" section in it. I was happy thinking it was all about swapping furniture (and, let me just say, we've gotten both a delightful dining room set and roll-top desk from Craigslist in the last few months). I don't know what people are thinking posting personal things like that on the internet. So gross.

No one persecutes harmless crackpots like Gaston

2009-04-23T08:39:00.002-04:00

I was in the grocery store the other day and saw a new flavor of Orbit gum called "Sangria Fresca." Gum that tastes like wine? But, you know, that's as close to the sauce as I'm going to get until 2010.

Philosophical question: do you think there is an "addiction gene" that causes certain people to become more easily addicted to things than other people? I think for a lot of people, that's just a given, but I've been talking about this a lot lately and have heard the stance that even if there is an "addiction gene," it's still the person's choice to indulge in that vice and is, therefore, entirely their fault. Which seems harsh if there is a physical trait in that person that causes them to immediately become addicted to say, alcohol, when other people can drink it casually and have no problems. I just find this whole area fascinating. I feel fortunate to not be addicted to anything...although one might argue my dependence on sugar isn't entirely healthy either. But we can discuss my poor pancreas later.

Is you is or is you ain't my constituents?

2009-04-22T09:22:00.003-04:00

On Sunday afternoon, I called my Mom to say "sup?" and Lil J subsequently got all ticked off because he wanted to play with my cell phone and press all the buttons. Which, surprisingly, makes it very difficult to talk to one's mother on the phone. So while I was trying to talk to her, I said to Lil J "Why don't you go find your Elmo phone?" So he starts looking around the family room, obviously not exactly sure of the Elmo phone's location, so I said to him "Where is your Elmo phone?" And he looked at me with this truly frustrated look, threw both his hands in the air and cried "I don't know!" That was his first sentence! J was standing in the kitchen and heard it, and we both found that hilarious. He was so dejected! Makes me wonder if we keep this up and keep depriving him of the things he wants, will that make him the next Shakespeare? I'll write in another 40 years and let you know.

Cubs win!

2009-04-19T04:54:00.002-04:00

Dude, check out the time stamp on this post. I'm having a morning where I'm attempting to embrace my insomnia instead of curse it. And I've already been up for an hour cleaning and doing laundry. This may come as a shock to many of you, but did you know there's not much on tv at 4 a.m. on Sundays? If you're interested in tomato trees, however, this is your peak time to learn.

"Can you say 'Iron Man'?" "Man!"

2009-04-17T09:21:00.002-04:00

I am pleased to report that I'm feeling much, much better today. Yay! So much so that I've already started thinking about lunch and what to eat today. I think I'm going to take it easy and not eat anything toooooo heavy, but, man, I could eat a whole plate of french fries. That's what I'm talking about.

Lil J woke up really early this morning and was therefore pretty cranky before we left for work. So to appease him, I let him watch a couple cartoons as we were getting ready. But as a result of this, I didn't get to see the Today show, and I have no idea what is going on in the world. And, more importantly, I don't know what's going on with the killer chimp or the crazy lady who jumped into the polar bear exhibit in Germany. It's those personal stories of human triumph and general insanity that really get my attention.

You like jazz?

2009-04-16T08:41:00.002-04:00

I'm still sick. I got home last night and threw up again. Not only do I feel bad, but I'm getting anxious worrying about how this is affecting the baby. I'm trying to drink fluids, but it's really hard since I'm so nauseous and half the time I throw them back up. In good news, however, I was up at 4 a.m. today so I went downstairs on watched Lost on the DVR. Ahh, Hurley, where would that show be without you? I don't understand why so many people dislike Ewoks though. That's like hating puppies or pizza. It seems inhuman.

Bleeding Gums Murphy

2009-04-15T08:50:00.003-04:00

Oh man. Just when I thought I was feeling better from having the stomach flu this weekend, I went and read Beth's blog about mayonnaise and grapes salad. I'm going to hurl. Oh my God.

Ok, I'm back. Got some air. Doing ok. Yeah, I had an awful stomach flu the last few days. So bad I even had to cancel class last night. On Monday night, in particular, it was quite unpleasant--fever, vomiting, chills, aches, the whole enchilada. Lil J and my mother-in-law have been sick, too, so there's definitely something going around. I'm glad the worst is over, but even yesterday afternoon, I was sitting around, feeling nauseous and thinking "I might have overdone it with the food today," and all I'd had all day was about 20 Cheerios and a slice of toast with peanut butter on it. That is just pitiful.

When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange

2009-04-10T08:49:00.003-04:00

I got into work this morning, and there was a Cadbury Creme Egg sitting on my computer keyboard! Sweet! The Easter Bunny was out early today! ...or late last night...I can't say for sure. But that was a delightful surprise. I put on my sunshine yellow maternity shirt today so I would look pastel-y and spring-ish even though it's gray and rainy outside. Trying to keep the overall mood cheerful...even though the holiday is about Jesus dying and rising from the dead. Such a weird holiday. To this day, I don't really get what pagan tradition with the bunnies and the eggs got mixed in with the Christian events. So confusing. But I think Jim Gaffigan sums up the absurdities of our holidays very well in this clip. I suppose it's better to not overanalyze and just enjoy it. I feel pretty confident that Jesus doesn't mind me gorging myself on chocolate for the next couple days anyway. He'd be cool with dat.

The main bullet point of this presentation

2009-04-09T08:18:00.003-04:00

I saw an interesting article on cnn.com yesterday about the number of out-of-wedlock births in the U.S. in 2007. Apparently, of the over 4 million babies born that year, 40% were born to unwed mothers. Daaang, that's a lot. But here's where it gets really curious: when it came to white mothers, 27% were single. Of the Latina new moms, 51% were single, and over 70% of the African-American moms weren't married. Huh. That is a completely wacky statistic. Obviously, there are some major cultural differences in the attitudes towards single parents out there. And this study didn't break the numbers down according to whether the mother was truly by herself or if she was living with the baby's father but just not married to him, so it doesn't necessarily mean the kid will only be with the mother. But, dude, when I think about trying to raise a child all by myself, I get the shakes. Can you imagine how hard that would be? I'm not sure how people even do it if they're divorced and sharing custody. But apparently the number of women who choose to become single moms is growing every year. Which, hey, if you have the money and energy to do that, I'm not going to stop you. Rock on with your bad self. I'm just not sure I have that kind of fortitude, however. Cripes.

Which one's the Daddy Mac, and which one's the Mac Daddy?

2009-04-08T09:06:00.003-04:00

Really, I don't know if I'm just getting slow and tired from being pregnant or what, but Lil J plain tuckered me out the last couple days. Sometimes that kid is like a toad that got into someone's stash of crack. Monday and Tuesday, he didn't want to nap, he was intent on going outside even though it was cold and snowy, and he generally would not give me a moment's peace. As our pediatrician said yesterday, "Often, parents of kids his age ask us why their child is going through the terrible two's before they're two, and we tell them it can start as early as 15 months." Well, thank you for stating the obvious there, Doc. Wow. But, again, it's possible I'm just getting weighted down by the high-kicking gal in my uterus, and Lil J is being a completely normal, reasonable kid. I don't know. I think my perspective is all out of whack. I ate two packages of Oreo Cakesters yesterday, so my judgment is pretty off.

Someday, son, all this will be yours

2009-04-03T09:03:00.002-04:00

You know what? I got to watch the first 20 minutes of Wednesday's Lost this morning, and I'm so proud of Jack for not operating on young Ben. Why? Because it means that somebody is finally backing up Sayid, who, in my opinion, has ever been the only person on that island with his head not firmly entrenched in his own rectum. Poor Sayid has been saying for years now that Ben lies, you can't trust him, etc..., so then he has the cajones to shoot the kid, and finally FINALLY Jack backs him up with a figurative fist-bump and is all "Do what you gotta do, amigo." Right on. Of course, if this was real life, I'd be horrified that someone shot a 12-year-old, but since Ben is a fictional character, I say do your worst. Get 'im. Take away his Halloween candy and push him in the mud for all I care.

I've been up since 2 a.m.. I am wiped.

Darth Sidious wears Crocs?

2009-04-02T09:04:00.003-04:00

Lil J's Grandma S. took this picture of him yesterday:

When we got home from work, that flower was sitting in a mug of water on the table, looking all pretty and fresh. Unfortunately, as we were eating dinner, he picked it up and dunked the entire flower into the water, so the poor thing was pretty wilty after that. This should probably inspire me to meditate on the transience of earthly beauty, but I'm still mostly just wondering what happened on Lost last night.

Girl powah!

2009-04-01T09:31:00.004-04:00

I had the anatomy ultrasound on the new baby on Monday, and the OB was mostly sure that it's a girl! Wow! That was a shock. I thought that with my family's history, my Mom was surely going to wind up with 9 grandsons and one granddaughter (that's my brother's 4th who was born a couple months ago). But lo and behold, life is all about surprises, isn't it? The OB said she couldn't be 100% sure about it because the baby was sitting breech, so it was hard to get a completely clear view, but she looked and looked for a long time, and neither one of us ever saw anything that resembled a boy part. And Lil J had no shame about showing off his stuff in utero, so I feel pretty confident that this is a girl. So send name suggestions! We have a lot more leeway with girl names, so I won't have to shoot down very many. Nice.

I just sort of hope she has a lot of hair. Because she'll be wearing a lot of blue and my one chance to make her look girly is with accessories. But no pierced ears. Babies with pierced ears creep me out.

"Mom, it's 'in excess,' not 'inks'"

2009-03-27T08:34:00.003-04:00

As if I'm not already convinced, this morning my body wanted to drive home the point that I'm getting old by letting me pinch my sciatic nerve at 3 a.m. when I got up to use the bathroom. Awesome. Of course, the 50-something librarians around here can commiserate with me, but that still doesn't exactly ease the pain of knowing I'm turning into an octogenarian and I'm only 34. I think the only thing that would make me feel better is if a dozen chocolate donuts magically appeared in front of me right now. ...I'm waiting....

In child news, last night was an odd night for Lil J. Usually at bedtime, he likes me to hold him and tell him some stories so he can wind down (because most nights, Daddy plays with him before bed and all that tickling, wrestling and tomfoolery gets him all hyper), but last night, Lil J hopped down off my lap, laid face-down on his fuzzy purple blanket and fell asleep on the floor. I find it charming when he exhibits the behavior of a homeless man.

I'm a Dapper Dan man!

2009-03-26T08:18:00.004-04:00

I'm getting a lot better at tuning out the Today show whenever they have politicians on there. Some Republican dude was getting all bent out of shape about Obama's budget proposal and the reaction of the Democrats in the Senate, and I listened to him yammer on all annoyed-like for about 45 seconds before I was able to focus entirely on my mascara. I want to write a letter to the news programs and tell them that I'm interested in hearing the NEWS, not commentary from talking heads who have their own agendas. For that, I can go to the editorial page of the paper or read blogs on the web. At 7 a.m., I'm solely interested in knowing if a runaway plane or tornado is headed toward my house. Thank you. So much.

But speaking of Obama, I just have to post this picture I took back in January during the inauguration. I'm just a tad concerned that my progeny is going to be conservative. Look at this expression:

2-way petting zoo

2009-03-25T09:19:00.002-04:00

We finally got Lil J's hair cut on Monday. And, man, was he unhappy about it. He threw a fit like we were forcing fire ants up his nose or something. Geesh. But he looks very cute with his short hair. We took him to the zoo yesterday (that kid loves to watch sting rays eating cabbage, let me tell you), and not ONCE did someone call him "she." Success!

Also, I just have to mention that I had a couple extra minutes over the weekend while he napped, so I attempted to watch Step Up on TNT. That is a wretched, wretched movie. To the point where I'm starting to wonder if 16-year-olds actually wrote it, or I'm getting so old that I can simply no longer tolerate cruddy teenage movies anymore. I'm telling you, life was easier before I developed these standards.

Oh, but here's a picture of Lil J's new coiffure:

Duck when it is coming at you

2009-03-20T09:57:00.002-04:00

Ugh. I've been awake since 1 a.m. this morning. That's really bad insomnia even for me. A lot of the time, I'll wake up around 3 or 4, but I can comfort myself with the fact that I still got 5 hours of sleep. But this? This is sick and wrong. I just had some half-caff coffee to keep myself going, and you should feel that fetus kicking around in there. It's awake now, fo sho. I can assure you that I will be passed out on my desk by 2 p.m. however. Think about it--by 2, I'll already have been awake for 13 hours. Creepy.

I already got to see last night's Office. Heh. My favorite part was when Michael was describing the last two people who had Charles's job: "Jan just came by when she was really horny, and Ryan would come into town to visit his parents and do laundry." It's no wonder he's not used to being managed.

Crescent fresh

2009-03-19T16:08:00.003-04:00

Back when I was young, my younger sister and I used to watch Sifl and Olly on MTV and we thought this clip was HILARIOUS. Especially the part at the end where Chester shows up. We still quote from it to this day. Thank goodness for You Tube. Seriously. Between this and the clip medleys of the Carlton dance, I am a happy person.

"I hate your face" (that's a good insult)

2009-03-19T08:32:00.003-04:00

This morning, I got to watch the first half of last night's Lost. Which is cool because I'm really digging Lost this year, so I was happy I got to see some of last night's episode, but there's no telling when I'll be able to watch the rest of it, and the suspense is killing me. And then we have a week and a half until the ultrasound where we find out if this is a boy or girl, and that suspense is driving me nuts, too. I'm not good with the waiting to find things out. A lot of people have asked me (with each pregnancy) if we were going to find out the sex, and my answer is always the same: "YES! I HAVE TO KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." It's kind of ironic that my favorite type of novel to read is a mystery, isn't it? It's like an exercise in self-torture. Curious.

And isn't that sad about Natasha Richardson? Only 45 and with a husband and two teenage sons. Makes me want to wear a helmet when I go out onto the back porch.

Kids, like dogs, can smell fear

2009-03-18T09:14:00.002-04:00

Lil J and I went to the park yesterday to play on the jungle gym, and Lil J proved himself to be one brave little hobbit. He was one of the youngest kids there, but he attacked that play equipment like he never heard the word "fear." One little 20-month-old boy was scared to go down the twisty slide, so Lil J just roared right past him and squealed the whole way down. I was impressed...mostly because I don't think I was ever that brave as a child. Although, who knows, maybe I was courageous as a toddler and just got more scared of things as I got older and realized there was a lot to be scared of. That's possible. At this point in my life, I only need to hear one story about a bungee cord snapping to know I will never try bungee jumping. I've also never gone skiing because I'm pretty sure the first time I do, I will suffer a compound fracture in my good leg (oh, and, really, I don't have a "bad" leg per se, I just like to say I do). It's going to be one of those things where my children will probably grow up to be extreme bikers or something, and I'll be sitting at home knitting and going gray. But at least my skeleton will be intact!

Men are slaves to planned obsolescence

2009-03-13T08:50:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to realize that it's entirely possible that I come off much more stupid than I actually am. Yesterday, our boss here at work was asking all of us for our academic credentials for a report she's doing, so one of our student workers asked me what mine are, and as I got to the part where I graduated cum laude from college, and her response was "Reeeeeally?" like she never would have expected that. And, frankly, she's not the first person who's acted really surprised when I've told them that I did well in school. Which makes me wonder if my goofy exterior is coming off as complete buffoonery. But, man, that's going to be a bummer if, to be taken seriously in life, I'm going to have to be serious all the time and jump into conversations with phrases like "I find Raphael's didacticism to be superficial, at best." Ugh. I don't want to be that girl. Oh well, I guess some people are just going to assume I'm a moron. Which isn't entirely untrue if we're talking about something like car engines, makeup application or human genomes. So there's that.

Khaaaaaaaan!

2009-03-12T10:05:00.002-04:00

Our niece (this is J's oldest brother's daughter) is in the hospital today because she's been having really bad neck and back pain for over a week now. And I don't just mean a headache--she gets so nauseous just turning her head that she apparently can't move, dress herself, drive, etc.... I'm glad she's in the hospital where people can help her, but I have gotten to a point in my life where knowing that somebody I care about is in the hospital sends me into states of extreme anxiety. When I was a kid, staying in the hospital sounded so cool. You get to lie in bed all day, watch tv, play games, have people give you food. See, nobody points out to a 6-year-old that hospital stays also can include somebody waking you up every 3 hours, needle insertions, worry, hospital food that is never the temperature it was intended to be, and, oh yeah, BLINDING PAIN when you go to the bathroom. I'm telling you, as excited as I am about this new baby, I'm not looking forward to going back to the maternity ward. Gah.

Look at that. I just made this post about me again. I am using humor as a defense mechanism. Just want to clarify that for ya.

Kiss my grits

2009-03-11T09:20:00.002-04:00

Has anyone else seen the commercials on tv for the "Bumpits" hair piece thingies? I saw that yesterday and was shocked that people are still trying to give themselves big hair like that. But then I thought about it and realized two very important factors: 1) I was watching a rerun of My Big Redneck Wedding at the time, and that show is on 2) the CMT channel. So there you go. Explains that. I hate to make generalizations about regional differences in the USA, but only a country chick would wear something so goofy. And, while I'm on the subject, can I give my eternal thanks to Beth for introducing me to My Big Redneck Wedding? I can be in the depths of depression or suffering debilitating fatigue, and that show always cheers me up. Yesterday's episode featured a delightful couple from Arkansas named Tazema (what now?) and Kevin. Tazema looked to be about 19, six feet tall and weighing in around 300 pounds, whereas Kevin should be applying for retirement benefits in a year or two and weighed maybe 98 pounds with his hunting gear on. She kept threatening to kick his butt the entire episode. But, you know, there's something sort of romantic about it. Makes me believe that there is someone out there for everyone. No one person is too grotesque to be alone forever. Thank you, CMT.

Ahoy hoy

2009-03-05T09:40:00.003-05:00

I just saw this news item on our local news website, but I'm quite happy it actually took place in Nebraska and not here. Because, really, Ohio doesn't need any more press about how stupid some of its inhabitants are. Seeing Mansfield featured on Oprah because of its widespread heroin problem was bad enough. But this? Really, dude? That was the best thing you could think of to obedience train your cat? Just want to let you know that one day that cat is going to grow up and have serious problems with concentration and anger management, leading her to a series of dead-end service jobs on the night shift, after which she'll go home to her unemployed husband cat who lies on the couch all day ignoring their kittens. Is that really what you want for your pet? Is it, I say??

I know my blood type, thank you very much

2009-03-04T09:16:00.003-05:00

During Lil J's morning nap yesterday, I was perusing the Dish TV and found a rerun from the first season of Lost to watch. It was that episode where Claire gives birth to Aaron, Jack has flashbacks from his wedding and *sniff* Boone dies. I remember going through the emotional wringer the first time I watched it, and it was really no easier the second time around. Poor Boone. That scene where he tells Jack that he knows he's going to die and doesn't hold Jack responsible for not saving him...waaaah. And then they start with the montage at the end with the slow music. Really, somebody please stop me from watching stuff like this when my hormones are all out of whack. At least when Lil J's awake, we can watch Sesame Street and Sid the Science Kid. Those never make me cry. They almost bore me to tears, sure, but that's different.

Oh, and I need to know at what age you guys moved your kids from the crib to a toddler bed. How does one know it's time to do that?

I don't think I can kill my mum and girlfriend all in one day

2009-02-27T11:10:00.003-05:00

Arisa was just talking to me about having seafood, and now I'm feeling like if I don't get a cheddar biscuit from Red Lobster within the next 48 hours, I'm going to start a forest fire in a fit of rage. And I don't want to do that. I'd feel very bad if my actions hurt any wildlife. Even though I'm pretty sure your average raccoon would do nothing to save my life if we were both trapped in a burning building, I still don't want that on my conscience.

Ooh, so I was reading on ew.com yesterday that some dude wrote a book about zombies inhabiting the world of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. How awesome is that?? Two of my favorite things (early 19th century novels of manners and the undead) combined into one novel. Most excellent. I wonder if this will start a whole new genre of fiction. Man, reading Billy Budd in high school would have been so much more fun if he'd been fighting off zombies, too. Just think.

The Pork Chop Express

2009-02-26T08:42:00.002-05:00

The local radio stations were actually playing good music on the way to work this morning. I got to hear David Bowie, Sting and Def Leppard. Nice. I feel like such a fossil when it comes to music. Everything I like is at least 20 years old. Ah well. I guess I sympathize better with my Mom now. She hated Bon Jovi in the 80's. And, to her credit, they really had some crappy songs. Oh, listen to this--I was talking to one of my students on Tuesday about the movie Summer School, and one of my other students told me that he hates all movies from the 80's. All of them. Can you imagine? A life without Ferris Bueller and Jack Burton? Sad.

Speaking of my students, I graded their first test yesterday. It was really, really bad. They did so poorly that I had to curve it on top of the extra credit question that was already on there. Either I really suck at teaching this class or they don't study at all.

She's your queen to be

2009-02-25T09:41:00.004-05:00

On Monday, I took Lil J to a nearby mall play area so he could burn off some energy. I know, I know, it's totally asking for trouble, but my thinking there was that a) it was a Monday morning and therefore wouldn't be as busy as a weekend and b) this was a very ritzy mall north of town and those kids have the kind of moms that don't give them candy or pop, so they must be pretty well-behaved, right? And it actually turned out fine. Lil J had fun. Well, until he got tired and started crying on the escalator, but he did well for the first hour and a half. It kind of made me miss shopping though. I can't remember the last time I just wandered around a mall coveting sequins instead of racing through, grabbing the first thing I see and winding up with a very weird ensemble of argyle sweater and men's track pants. I'm all about fashion these days, people.

The theme at this play area was "jungle," but it looks to me like he's climbing a bunch of rancid bananas instead of a tree house. You tell me.

Nobody gets madder at the news than you, Dad

2009-02-20T10:20:00.002-05:00

I just got back from an appointment with the ENT. Lil J has been off the Propranolol for a month, and his breathing is still sounding fine, so it was a great appointment all-around. Well, except for when Lil J freaked out having his nose and ears checked. That kid hits notes that only whales can hear, I swear. But, I gotta tell you, it is such a relief to not have him on medication and he's still doing ok. I just reread my post from September 20, 2008 where an anonymous commentor suggested Propranolol, and I wish that I could find him or her and personally thank them for that. But I don't know if I could even find words to express my gratitude. It makes me think of how just a kind little comment from a stranger can turn your world around. Good thing to remember.

I gotta go eat some salt and vinegar potato chips, or I'm gonna yak.

Welcome to Thunderdome

2009-02-19T09:05:00.003-05:00

On Saturday, Lil J and I drove (well, technically, I did most of the driving) to see my Mom, sisters and nephews. We went to Cici's Pizza and then a mall, where Lil J had his first taste of the mosh pit that is the mall play area. But he had a great time. He was running around like a champ, afraid of nothing. There was this one little boy in there that kept pushing him over, and I finally looked that kid dead in the eye and said "STOP pushing him" in my best Clint Eastwood voice. I am not above scaring the daylights out of somebody else's kid, people. I suspect that little hooligan's mom was probably over at Chick-fil-a scarfing down waffles fries. Hmph. Anyway, that's him in the orange striped shirt. I could not for the life of me get a picture of him facing me because he was always running to do something else. We are going to be spending a lot of time in malls this summer, methinks.

I'm in a glass cage of emotion!

2009-02-18T09:14:00.002-05:00

I need someone to volunteer to call me on the afternoons that I'm home and make sure I don't watch reruns of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I made the mistake of watching that Monday afternoon and bawled like somebody kicked my puppy off a bridge. But, man, does that show pull on the heartstrings or what? This one was about a family that provides horseriding therapy to the disabled, and then the father/husband died unexpectedly on the couch at night, and the mom still hadn't hung up his work shirt from the last place he left it, and then they showed shots of these disabled children smiling while they rode the horses...sniff. I hate that show for making me feel.

And please don't tell children's services, but I'm afraid for Lil J. That kid has had two busted lips and a contusion on his forehead in the last few days. He tripped and landed on a big Lego block (busted lip #1), rammed his head into a rocking horse (busted lip #2) and then accidentally took a header into the bathtub faucet last night (contusion). I feel like such a horrible parent. And then I think about how many near misses he has and feel even worse. He's going to develop better balance soon, right?

Have a Hot Pocket. They're breathtaking

2009-02-13T08:24:00.003-05:00

I had this whole blog post thought out in my head this morning, and then I threw up twice, and now I can think of nothing but the waves of nausea hitting my poor, abused stomach. I will say this though--I'm still hoping J buys me some chocolates for Valentine's Day. Even if I can't eat them, I still think I'd enjoy staring at them and smelling them for a couple days. Heh, that reminds me of a story about my Dad. After he'd had his surgery and radiation for throat cancer, he had a feeding tube put in his stomach because the doctors knew that if he tried to eat by mouth, he'd probably never get anything down. So for a year there, he'd walk by the dinner table and ask to smell our plates. And it actually seemed to make him happy. He'd also pour a couple cups of coffee down his tube every morning. That always cracked me up--you know you are a coffee junkie when you pour it directly into your stomach. He took that feeding tube business like a champ. Went through that for a whole year, and I've had morning sickness for 7 weeks and feel like running head-on into a granite wall. I apparently got the recessive "wuss" gene.

Bombardment!

2009-02-12T08:49:00.002-05:00

Oooh, I am so, so excited. Why? Because it looks like they're building a Sonic in front of the Giant Eagle where I shop. It's only about 5 minutes from our house. Whee! And, at the rate they're going, this Sonic might be done by summer. This is about the BEST NEWS EVER. Cause I'm pretty sure I'm going to be extremely cranky this summer, and one thing that always improves my mood is a lemon-berry slush from Sonic. Mmmm. I'm salivating just thinking about it. Plus, I've been a lot more lenient this time around with the things I'm allowing myself to eat. I know I should microwave deli meats before I eat them, but do I still go out and eat a club sandwich in a restaurant every once in a while? So will I most likely give in and eat a cheese coney from Sonic before I should? I think you'd be safe betting with me on that one. This is just so awesome. I'm so glad we moved.

Let's party like we're on the forest moon of Endor

2009-02-11T09:20:00.002-05:00

My friend at work was just in here talking about her sick children and how one of them was throwing up mucus a couple days ago. I think I can safely say I'm about to lose whatever is left of those Cheerios I choked down this morning. Ughhhhhh.

I have concluded once again that I am not one of those super moms who's really tuned in to her kids. Last night, Lil J was sitting in his high chair trying to talk to me and I had no clue what he wanted. Finally, I figured out that his increasingly agitated utterings of "go go go bah bah bah" meant "I want to dip this tiny piece of a Baked Lays potato chip in your lemonade" but, honestly, how was I supposed to know that? I mean, who wants to dip potato chips in lemonade? But we all know one of those moms that would claim she knew exactly what he meant. Those chicks give the rest of us a bad name.

Who's the stiff?

2009-02-06T08:42:00.002-05:00

I just did one of those cliched pregnancy things and made J go all the way across campus in this cold, icy weather to get me a root beer from the cafeteria because I woke up this morning with a feverish, burning desire for Mug. I cannot explain it, but I had to have it. And to heck with the idea of me getting it myself. Screw that.

I had an interesting class last night. We were talking about the development of department stores in the mid-19th century, so I got off on a tangent about capitalism and how advertising is about creating a need in consumers. I mentioned how I always think about this when I see an infomercial and they're telling me I can't possibly survive without a ShamWow!, Snuggie or the latest vegetable chopper that will mostly likely remove one of my thumbs. Yeah, you know what? I've actually survived just fine these past 34 years without any of those, and I've never had a Magic Clasp either. But, I'll tell you something, a lot of my students seem pretty enamored of those Snuggies. Apparently, dorm rooms really are cold and drafty. Who knew?