Although I do like the sound of "Majority Whip"

I see the President's State of the Union address is on tonight. I can assure you that I will not be watching that. It really has very little to do with the content of the speech--I just wish they'd knock it off with all the applause and standing ovations, for crying out loud. Makes the speech about 3 times longer than it needs to be. Plus, I always end up paying more attention to the Vice-President and Speaker of the House (is that right?) sitting behind the President to see what they're doing while he's talking. Just once I'd love to see one of those guys pull out a Gameboy or burp suddenly. That would be hilarious.

When I was a kid, I used to consider a career in politics, but I have realized as I've aged that it never would have worked out. For one thing, there's my aversion to panty hose, but more importantly, I just don't have that veneer of Ivy League respectability that these politicians give off. They all look so serious, well-coifed, tailored and borderline-constipated all the time. It doesn't look like fun at all. Blech.

Multi-grain Fig Newtons...what is the world coming to?

I had one of those weekends where I never really got to sit down. I had a blast at my sister's birthday dinner last night, but by the time we got home at 9:30, I had been yawning non-stop for about 20 minutes. And, let me tell you, there's nothing attractive about that much yawning. It's like knees: a physical human trait that is really ugly when you look at it for extended periods of time.

All that fatigue contributed to some bizarre dreams last night. In one, I was urinating bloody chunks (I know: EWWW!). In another I was at the winter Olympics, and they were doing a tightrope-walking exhibition over a ravine, and my friend Marce was participating. That one was a nailbiter...but still better than the other dream. Ick.

Hey, who are you rooting for in the Super Bowl? I think I'm going with the Seahawks since they're the underdogs.

peddleschmutz: stuff stuck to your shoe

I somehow managed to pinch a nerve in my left hand this morning by picking up my purse. Either I need to empty some of the crap out of my bag, or I've got to stop being such a big wuss. Geesh.

The Office last night was good! Was that carpet guy Pam's fiance? She'd be better off with Jim, I just know it. My favorite scene last night was between Michael & that older employee who told Michael that turning into that Packer guy should not be his biggest fear, and Michael replied "Yes, I'm sure being buried alive would be worse. I don't know why I try to talk to you. Get out of here." Awesome.

Have a good weekend, everybody! May your nerves stay unpinched!

Did Sawyer call Hurley Jabba?!? Dude.

I'm sure I'm being overly critical, but I thought Lost was kind of "meh" last night. It was like things happened, but nothing really happened, you know? I did find it interesting that Locke came off a little darker than he has recently, and now I've got all sorts of questions about Libby. She must have been on the plane to remember that Hurley was sweaty and wearing earphones, but I can't figure out what her deal is. She was sort of flirting with Hurley, but she also gives off a creepy vibe to me. Curious. And, can I just say, Ana-Lucia asking Jack if he was "hitting that" with Kate cracked me up. I like her more now. Anyway, I think it's just hard to get really into an episode when the main character of the week doesn't float your boat. The very end of the episode when he put up his hood reminded me of Anakin Skywalker turning into Darth Vader for some reason. Who knew hoods were so ominous?

I once ate my weight in Skittles

Today is my older sister's birthday. Happy Birthday, Meg! (she doesn't read this blog, but I'm going to send her props anyway. I'm crazy like that!) She said that this year for her birthday she doesn't want any presents, just for us all to get together for dinner and have some cake. I hear that. I'm all for cake. And I think it's cool she's focusing on her kids more than herself. That is one of the things about parenting that scares me: the selfless devotion part. Ha! But seriously, I told J that I would never expect him (or anyone else) to buy me a gift at this point in my life but candy is always appreciated. A roll of Chewy Spree or a Hershey's Special Dark is really all I need anymore. I am a simple people.

Was American Idol last night hilarious or what? J pointed out that Simon really only seems to be nice to people when he thinks they're mentally challenged. All I know is they told that sad story about the blond girl whose mother abandoned her and whose dad is in jail, and it made me cry, but it also made me want a cheese coney and a lemon-berry slush. Mmmm, Sonic.

molotov cocktail

People, I've been up since 3:30 this morning. I am so punchy.

Anybody else know who Campbell Brown is? The chick on the Today show who fills in for Katie Couric sometimes? Her nose is so weird. It seems very pinched and her nostrils seem quite narrow, so I wonder how she gets any oxygen into her body at all. Maybe she's an android!

J and I take a lot of pleasure in putting Wubby's name into the lyrics of popular songs. This morning, J achieved the pinnacle of Wubby lyricism when he managed to come up with funny renditions of both the Black-Eyed Peas' My Humps and AC/DC's Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution. The man is a genius unrecognized in his time.

With my mind on my money and my money on my mind

The school is doing an exhibit right now that features hip-hop and urban fashion, so there are a few dozen mannequins in the gallery sporting baggy pants, sports jerseys, and gold necklaces. And there's spray paint everywhere. Since J's birthday is coming up soon, I threatened to buy him a necklace with a huge, rhinestone "J" on it, and he replied that I was just doing that so he would buy me a necklace with a big, rhinestone "A" on it. He's got my number, that guy.

And Alisa, you be sure to spend this afternoon relaxing, watching soaps and nibbling on saltines, ok? Not only do crackers help the tummy, they also get the stale taste of bad daytime tv out of your mouth. Hope you feel better!

Do diamond teeth go with tortoise-shell glasses?

We just did our taxes. Being married and filing jointly was apparently a good idea, but we have to be good and use the refund to pay off a credit card. Ah well. Next year I'll buy that platinum and diamond grill for my teeth.

Oh, and I did put in an order for glasses on Friday night. They were freakin' expensive, but I think it'll be worth it in the long run...especially if I develop a particulary heinous eye infection that keeps me from wearing my contacts. I don't know if I really like the frames I picked, but they're supposed to be good for my prescription. I think they really make me look like a librarian. And I'm talking about the kind of librarian with the tight buns on their heads, not their backsides.

Milhouse

A coworker just walked in, saw the striped shirt I'm wearing and told me that if I jump up and down, somebody looking at my shirt would get sick. I'm going to try to not let that hurt my feelings.

I watched The Office last night and didn't think it was as funny as last week. That show seems to be uneven. I think they need to keep things bordering on the absurd and put it some physical comedy, that's what seems to work best. Of course, I'm one of those people who laughs uproariously watching COPS, so I may not be the best judge of what's funny. My favorite COPS scene: when the officer with one leg chases down the "alleged" crack smoker and catches him. Awesome.

My big plan for the weekend is to buy some glasses. I look like a total poindexter in glasses because I am so severely nearsighted, but it really has to be done. I think it would help when I've got the insomnia to be able to see, get up, walk around and not go careening down the stairs. Your thoughts?

I usually sing to my turkey...

Last night was a good night for the television viewing. American Idol was hilarious and Lost was fantastic. I am so sad for Jack. That dude can't catch a break. Well, aside from being ridiculously good-looking and smart, he can't catch a break. But I wanted to smack that Sarah when she told him she was leaving. Beeyotch! A couple interesting things in the episode: did you notice that Chief Other asked Alex to bring Kate to him? Wasn't that Rousseau's son's name? And how cool that Jack is now planning to build an army! Righteous. I'm guessing that between Ana-Lucia's L.A. cop experience and Sayid's Iraqi torture methods, they could be pretty bad-ass. I'm envisioning lots of crotch-kicking and nose-hair-pulling. And Kate, you just need to shut the hell up. No, shhh, just shut up.

Cheese ham

Did anyone happen to see American Idol last night? There was a guy at the end they called "Crazy Dave" who was really skinny, tall, totally spastic, frighteningly bizarre and whose eyes rolled back into his head when he was singing. The first thing that popped into my head when I was watching him: "That is EXACTLY the kind of guy that would have liked me in high school or college."

Arisa and I were discussing ham yesterday, and it reminded me of the lunchmeat my Mom used to buy when we were kids. Arisa never got the privilege of having it, but we used to eat this packaged ham that had little chunks of cheese embedded in it. I believe that is why to this day I have such a hard time eating ham.

Does anybody besides me get cravings for Hostess snack cakes? I would kill somebody for a Zinger right now.

Oh, and in real news, it looks as though I am going to have 6 nephews by June. My brother has 2 boys, my older sister is having a second boy, and now my younger sister will probably be having a second boy, too. What are the odds??

My eyes! My eyes!

I am going to have to switch eye doctors. I had an appointment at 3:50 yesterday and didn't get out of there until 5:30, at which point I had burning, stinging eyes and I could barely see 5 feet in front of me. And what kills me is that there was nothing wrong with my eyes. I think they just threw every kind of eye drop they had in there so that they could charge me $108 for the visit. Grrrr. And don't get me started on how the doctor treated me to a half-hour lecture about the Middle Eastern conflict. He's a very nice man and a good doctor, but when the tears are flowing and your eyes are on fire, I can guarantee that for most people, that's not the best time to be discussing foreign politics. I'm just saying.

The good news is that my eyes feel fine now and it's a good thing because classes have started back up here, and I'm going to have to be on top of my game in order to not get mowed down by sleepy freshmen in the hallways. Ahhh, the kids.

Where have you gone, Grimace?

J had to work last night, so I was puttering around the house and happened upon The Office on NBC. That show cracked me up! When that guy, Jim, was spraying the "moon-faced boy" and Steve Carrell with the water bottle, I lost it. Whoo! As we also watched The 40-Year-Old Virgin this weekend, I am building quite an appreciation for Steve Carrell's comic talents. Plus, any man who would have his very hairy chest waxed for the public to see is a brave person. For some reason, that scene reminded me of the Friends episode where Joey wanted his eyebrows waxed for an audition and Chandler did it for him because he learned how as a boy. That was a good one. Almost ranks up there with the one where Joey ate Monica's jam after she broke up with Richard. "Didn't your mom ever drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?" Heh.

I have a massive McDonald's craving right now. I refused to pack lunches this morning so J would be forced to go with me and get a QP today. She who controls the sandwich baggies controls the world! Mwa ha ha!

Loved the cornrows

I thought Lost was pretty good last night. The thing with the flashes of people in the smoke that was coming after Mr. Eko was the most interesting part, I thought. J surmised that the smoke backed away from him because it could tell he wasn't afraid. Interesting idea since Locke apparently had something similar happen to him, too. Hmmm. And I'd like to know what that message said to Michael. If I got it right, it was saying "You need to come..." and then disappeared. Hmmm. And, Charlie, if you get back on the smack, I'm going to kick you in your girl's-jeans-wearing leg. There's something that disturbs me about men wearing flare-leg jeans. Huh. Anyway, I think my overriding thought about the episode was how disappointed I was to find that yet another castaway is a murderer. Are we going to find out Sun strangled her manicurist next? Did Hurley disembowel a mailman? Geesh.

And I just can't hide it!

I am both happy because I took an Ambien last night and slept for almost 8 hours and sad because I am now out of Ambien. I feel adrift.

I know I've got some sort of issue that's making me feel so repelled by Brangelina, but whatever the reason, I was completely icked out by the pictures on the news this morning of Angelina's pregnant belly. Ever since I saw those pictures of her obviously flirting with Brad Pitt while he was still married, I just want to rip her hair out and yell "homewrecker!" Again, I realize I have issues.

A new Lost is on tonight! Yay! I need to find out what this 2-hour special is because I have the sinking feeling it's another recap episode. But there is a new one on afterwards, right? I'm so excited!

Numb from the neck up

I only got about 3 and a half hours of sleep again last night. And we have a 5-hour mandatory meeting today. This ought to be a hoot! It was so bad last night that after I'd been awake a couple hours, I woke up J about 4 a.m. and asked him to punch me in the head. And he said "If I thought it would help, I would." He's so sweet!

In two weeks, you'd have a diamond

The birthday party for my two-year-old nephew on Saturday was simply delightful! Apparently, the good times were too much for my poor nasal cavities because I came down with an ear ache on Saturday night that made me go to the Urgent Care yesterday morning to have it looked at. Man, I can't remember the last time I had an ear infection. It had to have been about 20 years ago. Thus, I had forgotten how freaking painful those things are. It was both a throbbing AND stabbing pain. Gah. But I am now on antibiotics and a prescription decongestant that are working wonders. Aside from the fact that I only got three hours of sleep last night, I really do feel much better.

And, Ashrey, you tell that husband of yours that the Steelers are a bunch of animals! That's right. I said it. Taking out poor Carson Palmer's knee in the first quarter. For shame!

Let my Cameron goooo

I was flipping through the channels last night and happened upon this very interesting movie, but I don't know the title since I came in late. It was a Japanese-style animated movie about a little girl who gets caught in this magical world where her parents get turned into pigs, a boy who befriends her can turn into a dragon, a train rides on underwater tracks and giant slugs pay top dollar for a good steam bath. The whole thing leaves you feeling like an opium addict in Singapore. Don't get me wrong, it was really good. The animation was incredible, the story was interesting, and the characters were fascinating. J and I were talking about how weird Japanese animation is though. I mean, seriously, it just goes from weird to "what the f?" in five seconds flat. I wonder if that's because we're American and don't get the cultural context, or if the animators are really just all high. If anybody else has seen this, let me know. I'd love to know more about it.

It's Friday! Y ippee!

Shopping maul

I've been using this nasal spray so much lately that I'm starting to wonder if I'm dissolving vital brain cells every time I use it. Unfortunately, I threw away the box it came in, so I have no idea how often I should be snorting the stuff to begin with. I'm guessing the "every hour on the hour" method was probably excessive, but it's entirely possible I should only use it once a day and doing more than that is liquifying my cerebellum. Fantastic.

In other news, I'm wearing my tshirt that states "I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter" today. I feel so punk...and also a little bit like one of those old ladies who wears clothes from the junior's department in a sad, pitiful attempt to hold on to her youthfulness. I remember one time in South Carolina (in a Belk's, I believe) I saw a woman who looked to be about 40 trying on this pair of skin-tight, leopard print jeans. And I remember thinking "Oh, that is not a good idea at all." A 16-year-old could have worn those jeans and looked hip and eccentric, but on a woman that age, they just looked like part of a hooker uniform. Why is that?

Query

I'm just curious, did anybody make a New Year's resolution?

"Your mom goes to college"

I am now officially enamored of Gap's slim fit jeans. They must have a little stretch in them or something because they are just super comfortable. Plus, it probably helps that I got my actual size and didn't try to squeeze into a 6 for the sake of my pride. Putting the spandex in jeans is great because it gives you a little leeway when you put on five pounds of Christmas fudge, but the down side is that you can kid yourself into thinking you're a 6 when you're really not anymore, and that brings nothing but disappointment when you try on a pair of pants from last winter and discover that you can't even zip them up anymore. So I'm just going to accept that I'm an 8 now, own it, embrace it...and secretly still hate it. Unhealthy Body Image would be a great name for a band.

Oooh, speaking of which, did anyone else see that Lindsay Lohan is in the hospital AGAIN? Her people are saying it's because of an asthma attack. Yes, and I come to work every day for personal fulfillment, not the paycheck. Pfft.

Dayquil hath failed me

I took some of the generic Dayquil this morning after I got out of the shower, and it didn't do jack to clear up my nasal congestion. Son of a! I will say, however, that it's making me very relaxed. I'm sitting here at my desk, scanning images and feeling quite euphoric about the whole process. Sure, I could fall asleep at a moment's notice and clunk my head down on my keyboard, knocking me senseless and scaring the bejeezus out of my stuffed gorilla, Congo, but that's cool. Congo has dealt with worse. Stuffed animal poachers are a scary bunch.

I'm so happy that the Buckeyes won last night! I had a dream the night before that one of the OSU linebackers was actually my half brother, so every time I saw him on tv last night, I'd whisper in J's ear "That's my brother, Bobby" and J would whisper back "He's ugly." Heh.

Draw!

We just got the new couch delivered. It's the kind with dual recliners. I shall never leave the living room again.

I haven't had pizza since last year

Ugh. I am far too old to be staying up until 2 a.m. anymore. We didn't even go out partying or anything crazy last night. We just hung out with family, but we didn't get home until after 1. I just wish I could sleep past 7 a.m. That would be sweet.

We took down the Christmas decorations today. That's always such a bittersweet thing to do. It means I'm running out of excuses to eat iced sugar cookies and homemade fudge. Valentine's Day cannot come soon enough!