Everything's coming up Milhouse

We saw on tv this morning that the Alpaca Fest is being held here in Columbus next weekend. And people say there's nothing to do in this town. Shame on them.

I'm excited it's Halloween! I'm not dressed up or anything, although I'm wearing a blue shirt so the argument could be made that I'm dressed as a blueberry right now. We have about 8 or 9 pounds of candy at home, but I'm guessing we'll still run out before trick-or-treating is over. It's always interesting in our neighborhood though. I'll be sure to report back tomorrow if we get any bums.

Quick question--is it normal to get occasional jabs of pain across the front of the abdomen at this stage in pregnancy? The last couple nights, I've gotten a pain in my belly while I've been lying down. It's pretty sharp, but it's just one and then it goes away. Is that weird?

Roll your eyes at me, I'll roll your little head

So we had our first childbirth class last night. It was very informative. The teacher went over basic stuff like dilation, effacement, contractions, the importance of our perineum, and then we did some relaxation exercises. I think next week we're going to be talking more about breathing and the details about delivery and such. I'm really glad we're going to these classes because I already feel like I know more than I did, but, man, I started hyperventilating when she was going over the stages of labor. It's a little overwhelming to think I'm going to be in pain for 8 to 10 hours. I'm not so hot with pain. My favorite part is definitely when it ends, so that seems like a long time to wait. But at one point during that period where I was starting to freak out about labor and delivery, I looked over at J thinking he'd be stunned by all this we were learning about birth, and there he is, sitting in his chair, yawning and fighting to keep his eyes open. I wanted to simultaneously laugh and punch him in the eye for being male.

Not in my store you don't

I had my baby shower thrown by my inlaws on Saturday afternoon, and it was a lot of fun. I'm so grateful for all the things people got us like our bouncer, the car seat, the swing, the baby monitor, clothes, toys, etc.... But the games were hilarious. They did this one where I went behind closed doors and wrapped toilet paper around my belly, and they all had to guess how many squares it took. So, for posterity's sake, I'll put on the record that it was 11. One day when I've given in to my gummi bear addiction and completely let myself go, I'll look back fondly on this and say "Daaang, I used to be able to fit into 11 squares of toilet paper! Now go get Mama a Twinkie." We also went and bought the crib last night, so J's task this week is to put that together. He's pretty mechanically inclined, so I hope it's not too cumbersome. I wonder why cribs are such a pain to put together. We can put a person on the moon, but nobody can figure out a way to write out directions that make sense. Curious.

Oh, and it was 31 degrees when I left the house this morning! 31! J made me wear his winter coat and gloves, and he cleared the frost off my car for me. Felt like January. Except that I looked more snowman-like than ever before.

Never follow a hippie to a second location

Personally, I thought Michael's ad on The Office last night was way better than the corporate one. I was actually shocked by how good it turned out to be. I thought for sure he'd do something incredibly embarrassing in it. In fact, I was sitting there stunned afterwards thinking "That was actually pretty classy." Felt like my whole world had turned upside down. But all the shows were good last night. Well, Scrubs was sort of depressing. But Earl's discussion of his conjugal visit partner's "hole operation" more than made up for that. Hilarious.

I'm really glad today's Friday though. I'm feeling a little worn out this morning, so I'm looking forward to having a few days where I can lie around on my side in the afternoons and let the couch carry the extra weight for a few hours. Oh, and I've been having these really mundane baby dreams the last few nights--dreams where I'm figuring out sick leave, folding crib sheets, stuff like that. It's pretty abnormal for me to have such normal dreams. This means I'm either incredibly preoccupied OR I'm maturing and getting extremely boring. I hope it's the former. Even though I'm having a kid, I still sort of want to be one. Is that so wrong?

Funny queer, not funny ha ha

Man, I am feeling so much better today. Lil' J must be in a more comfortable position because he doesn't feel like a 15-pound bowling ball on my bladder this morning. Sweet relief! Maybe going to Target last night and walking around got him to move around a little. Even under normal circumstances, I tend to amble through Target, but last night I was seriously shuffling around like an old woman. I don't know why I insist on getting a little basket and lugging that around when I should just get the handicapped go-cart like the elderly use. That way, I could buzz through the aisles yelling "Out of my way, Chachi!" I'd also like to get one of those grabber sticks to reach things on the top of the aisles, too. Old people have it so sweet.

It's Thursday! I'm very excited to watch my shows tonight! I didn't watch too much on tv last night because, let's just be honest here, Bionic Woman blows and I'm not a Red Sox fan. But we did see South Park. Wow. Disturbing.

Hakuna matata

I woke up this morning feeling very uncomfortable in my abdominal region. Nothing terrible or anything, but Lil' J is feeling quite hefty today. I wonder if he put on a pound overnight. I can assure you that it's happened to me, so I don't see why it couldn't happen to him. That slice of pumpkin pie I ate went right to his thighs! It feels good to sit down today, that's for sure. Unfortunately, I need to go out into the stacks this morning to find some books. Maybe I could just stay seated in my chair and wheel myself around out there. That would be awesome. It would create a scene, sure, but as I've said many times before, this library has been one of the weirdest places I have ever worked, so I don't think it would phase the other employees at all. Heck, I could put on a Darth Vader helmet, a hula skirt and roller skates and they'd say "She's still not as weird as the last slide librarian."

Tell him about the Twinkie

I'm developing a theory about why so many of the cute blondes on Heroes are sociopathic killers. I think it's because the show is written by a bunch of geek dudes who were rejected by pretty girls in high school, and now they're taking out their revenge by portraying all these chicks as evil. They even take poor Claire (who's pretty nice most of the time...for a cheerleader) and throw her off buildings, cut off her limbs, send logs through her throat, etc.... I seriously think these writers have some leftover adolescent traumas to work through. But perhaps writing a network drama is good therapy. At least they're getting paid to do it instead of paying a counselor $200 an hour to tell them they're dorks. They are repressed but smart.

We don't gnaw on our kitty

I'm truly at a loss to explain why I woke up so early this morning. I've been up since about 3:30, and I really don't understand why I even woke up in the first place. There weren't any noises in the room, I didn't have any aches, didn't have to go to the bathroom, no aliens were surrounding my bed with lasers attached to their foreheads. It just doesn't make any sense! And, I'm telling you, this strange lack of sleep is making me particularly foggy in the head this morning. I almost made coffee for J without the coffee grounds (and, oddly enough, he's pretty confused when he doesn't get coffee in his coffee), I keep losing my balance just standing still, and I can't stop thinking about that scene from Napoleon Dynamite where the bully tells Napoleon to give him some tots and Napoleon is like "Get your own!" and the kid kicks him in the leg...and then I start giggling. It's just a good thing I have such a routine in the mornings. If I didn't, on days like this, you'd find me wandering around in my backyard with a bowl of apples, wondering where my socks are. Yeah, I'd be a crazy woman like that chick from Superman. I can admit it.

We passed on the goat-milk fudge and pumpkin burgers

It's my second Saturday to work in the library this semester, and, let me tell you, the excitement level so far is scoring a 10. Of course, that's on a scale of 1 to 300. It's just been really quiet. Neither one of my student workers showed up, but, heck, if it stays like this all day, it might not be that big of a deal. Now, if there's suddenly some mad dash to make color copies at 4:30, then I'll be ticked. Mostly because I don't know how to make color copies. But that's another issue for another day.

So yesterday, J and I went about a half hour south of here for the Circleville Pumpkin Show. It was a much bigger event than I had pictured. I figured it would be a few stands with prize-winning gourds, a couple food vendors and a few permed girls wearing "Pumpkin Queen" sashes. Man, was I wrong. It took up several blocks and there were hundreds of vendors, rides and games. I also went a little crazy purchasing snacks. At the show, we got a half dozen pumpkin donuts and a pumpkin pie, then we stopped at a farmer's market and bought some cookies, candy, apples and bread. Just doing my part to support the carbohydrate farmers of central Ohio.

I might be a narcoleptic insomniac

I want to spend a night in Dwight's beet farm bed and breakfast! That would be a truly unique getaway right there. Mose was pretty creepy, but you have to expect that from someone who was apparently raised by hyenas. It's not really his fault. I think I actually missed a couple parts of the show because I fell asleep. It seemed really short. And I'm sure I missed the end of 30 Rock due to my slumber. I'm just glad these episodes are online so I can go back and see if I did, in fact, miss something. Yay internet!

Oh, and since this has been quite the banner week for toddler neglect and general rowdiness in my 'hood, I thought I'd share that we had cop cars on the street again last night. They apparently thought that someone was cleaning out the house down the street, but it turned out it was just some relatives of the couple who lived there (who are now in prison, of course) moving some things since, you know, when you're in prison it's hard to make rent and pay for gas. I have a pretty good idea what they're in jail for, too. And it's not insider trading, let's just say that.

17 days? We're not going to last 17 hours!

This is almost too depressing to write about--last night, J was looking out the front door at the kids playing across the street and saw the cute, little 3-year-old boy flipping the bird to another older boy who lives a few doors down. Sigh. And apparently the 3-year-old wasn't mimicking any of the older boys because nobody else was doing it, so you've really got to wonder where he's seen that gesture so many times that he's so casually flipping off passing kids. A toddler. And, really, at that age I doubt he fully comprehends what he's doing, so I blame the parents. But I'm also tempted to blame his parents for global warming and gnats, so I'm not totally impartial, I admit it.

You know, recently Thursdays have taken on a bit of Friday's charm since I get so excited to watch my programs on Thursday nights. I saw a commercial for 30 Rock where Jack was talking about beating up hippies, so I'm especially excited to see that. Nothing I like better than a good hippie whomping....especially when tasers are involved.

Macho Macho Cat

This is how I'm feeling today:


In the shower this morning I started thinking about an unpleasant work situation, so that bummed me out, but then my Grape Nuts cheered me up until I walked outside and discovered it was all gray and damp outside. It's ironic to me that I'd be affected by gray, rainy weather considering I work in a concrete block office that is entirely decorated in gray, but maybe the combined effect is what's getting to me today. I have this plan that once my current boss retires, I'm going to paint this place lavendar, put about two dozen disco balls on the ceiling and then install a lighted floor, so I can get a real funky, retro, Saturday Night Fever vibe going on. I'll even spring for the paint and the disco balls. I just need the college to write off the lighted floor as a slide-viewing expense. Does that technically count as embezzlement?

I want my two dollars!

The other day, J and I were watching tv and saw a commercial for that show Kid Nation. This adorable, 8-year-old-ish girl was on the ad talking about being a leader and she said something along the lines of "I'm not the kind of girl that backs away from a fight." And it struck me as such a disturbingly precocious thing for a kid that age to say that I said to J, "Wow, did you ever say stuff like that when you were 8?" and he shook his head no, and then I said "I've been backing away from fights for 30 years." And J looked at the tv, paused, looked at me and said "That 8-year-old could kick your butt." Ha! And it's so true. She'd be all "You want a piece of me?!" and I'd be like "Hey, hey, can't we just talk this out?" I would like to say I'm a pacifist, but I think I'm really just a nonconfrontational wuss most of the time. Unless I've got a vodka gimlet in me. Then all bets are off.

Heroes was pretty good last night. I like Nathan much better without the beard. But we really enjoyed watching Chuck. That's definitely my favorite new show this year. Yeah, take that, bionic woman!

Un peu de ci, un peu de ca

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you woke up one morning unable to speak English anymore and you could only speak French the way you learned it in 7th grade? I would sound like a French idiot. Or, in other words, French. Ha! This is what I think about when I'm up from 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. at night.

Oooh, here's a picture J took of me on Saturday. As I was telling my Mom that day, I don't feel fat, per se, but I definitely feel big. Sometimes I want to grab the bottom of my belly and hike him up. What really gets me is the fact that I'm going to get even bigger than this in the next two months. It doesn't seem physically possible.

I also want to say that even though Ohio State is currently ranked number one in the country, I am fully aware that we are really only there by default. I was so happy I got to see the Gamecocks on Saturday though. The Ohio State game wasn't televised, but SC vs NC was. I thought that was odd but serendipitous.

Al Gore will be the talk of the town

I found myself thinking that Andy's rendition of Take a Chance on Me for Angela was actually quite adorable last night. It's hard to believe anyone really liked Angela at all in that episode considering how difficult she was being, but, if I've said it once, I've said it a million times: some men like to be kicked in the crotch by women. It's just one of those things that you have to accept in life...like taxes, Paris Hilton and Missouri. But I like this chemistry between Kelly and Daryl, too. I have a feeling we'll be catching glimpses of them making out in the warehouse at some point this season.

My Mom called yesterday and asked if I want to go to the hippie street fair near her house this weekend. So I'm going to go. It'll be fun. I suspect I won't want to walk around too much because Lil' J has been doing this thing lately where he apparently stands on my bladder and pushes his head up into my diaphragm. But, on the up side, this street fair always has lots of fudge for sale, which makes it all worth it. Awww yeah.

Come on, Bort

I'm very pleased to report that it's gotten so cold out that the punk neighbors have finally retreated off their porches into their homes for the winter. Whoo! They're like hibernating bears...bears that only wear sweatpants, smoke cigarettes, drink directly from 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew and scream at each other a lot. Ok, so they're really not that much like bears. In fact, if I had a choice, I think I'd rather have a whole family of grizzly bears living next door than these people. Cause, as far as I know, grizzly bears are smart enough to not listen to Journey at 3000 decibels.

I went to this new Target store last night in a nicer neighborhood and discovered that this Target actually has a Starbucks in it! I've never seen a Starbucks in a Target before. That joint was packed, too. Target really has it all. You can get iron supplements, maternity shirts, M&M's AND a $7 caramel macchiato all in one place. Outstanding.

Anybody else excited for tv tonight? I've been awake since 3:30 this morning so I'm just hoping I don't fall asleep before The Office and 30 Rock come on.

Mama needs a gold watch!

I'm curious to know what other people think about an issue that, for some reason, has come up a lot recently. And that is: women having two baby showers. Now, I'm not talking about when a woman has a kid or two then ten years later gets pregnant again. I can totally understand why you might like another baby shower in that situation. But I've run across a few women lately who are having two baby showers and their children are only a few years apart. Does that seem odd to anybody else? I always thought you got one baby shower and then for your next kids, you already had most of what you need, so you just go out and buy new diapers and bottles yourself. Huh.

I'm very happy that the weather's finally cooling off. It was in the 90's for the past few days, but the high today is only 61, so it's sooooo much more comfortable out there. If I had any more really hot days, I was just going to start wearing a muumuu and sitting on my porch all day yelling at passersby to bring me orange push pops. Everybody else on our street does it. I don't know why I feel so bound to rules like wearing pants with zippers, speaking in a quiet voice and staying sober in front of children. I'm apparently quite the wet blanket.

Win one for the Zipper

So Claire's dad is going to get shot in the eye while she stands there making out with some dude, eh? The only positive I can think of in a scenario like that is that if you get shot in the eye, it must be a pretty painless death. I mean, it's not like you're going to last long after that one. The big downside? That you see it coming. Gah. I actually fell asleep for a long stretch in the middle of Heroes last night, so I didn't see everything that happened, but I am getting quite the kick out of seeing Mohinder and Matt take care of Molly. It's very My Two Dads, isn't it?

I'm so curious today to find out the results of my tests. I'm pretty sure they were also testing for anemia and a couple other things since they took so much blood yesterday, so I'm wondering if there's anything wrong with me. And, honestly, I'm still sort of holding out hope they'll tell me I have a gene mutation that will make childbirth completely painless. That would rule.

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

What is going on in college football? Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that Ohio State won yesterday, but things are getting very wonky in the top 5. Wisconsin loses to Illinois, LSU almost bites it against Florida, Tennessee whomps on Georgia, and Southern Cal can't handle Stanford? Stanford??? I could have seen it if they'd lost to them in a science fair or a math bowl, but not a football game. Dang. Well, I guess all in all I should just be happy that Ohio State won, but I can't shake this feeling like an upset is just breathing down our necks since it's happened to everybody else. Like the shadowy figure of death has traded in his sickle and black cloak for a helmet and shoulder pads. Oooooooeeeeeeoooooooo. Eerie.

In additional news, I have my first glucose tolerance test tomorrow morning. Wish me luck that it comes back ok because me without carbs would be a sad, sad thing. I'd be wandering the streets, lost and delirious, asking perfect strangers for Kit Kats.

Garbage, the feral barn cat

J inexplicably chose to play computer games last night instead of watching the NBC Thursday night lineup/South Carolina vs. Kentucky game with me, so I must have looked like a lunatic laughing so hard by myself. But those shows were cracking me up. Jerry Seinfeld looked like he was about to laugh every time he was on screen, and that made me want to laugh. And that thing with MILF Island sent me into convulsions every time I thought about it. I thought The Office was great, too. That Ryan really has turned into a jackhole. Well, I suppose he was always a jackhole and he just didn't get to show it off that much. Now he's all "Look at my jackholeness! Feast your eyes upon it while I Blackberry my mom!" But it's all evened out by the sweetness of Jim and Pam. Awww. So adorable. I switched over to the Gamecocks pretty frequently to make sure they were still winning, too. I thought they looked pretty good. Frankly, I was surprised Kentucky was ranked as high as number 8 though. They might be a little overhyped. And, frankly, so is Ohio State right now. Number 4? We'll see how we do tomorrow against Purdue, but I'm more curious to see how we fare against someone like Wisconsin or Michigan. But not Florida. I would just prefer not to play them again any time soon. Jerks.

Suck it, I DO read the paper

I didn't watch much tv last night, but I did manage to run a few errands, including stopping by the closest Family Dollar to pick up a plastic bin. That was a frightening experience. The nearest Family Dollar is in the same shopping center with the thrift store, a pawn shop, a Rent-a-Center and a liquor store, if that gives you an idea what the general clientele is like. When I was in the store, I thought this dude was following me around, too. And I've recently developed a hearty dose of paranoia that every man on the street has a pregnancy fetish, so I got all freaked out. And, in reality, he probably just happened to be going my way on his quest to find a 50-pound drum of detergent (only $3.99!) and 5-year-old deodorant. Really, I just should never leave the house. I don't know if becoming a shut-in is a "good" goal, per se, but it would certainly be less stressful right now.

Oh, and I managed to sleep until 4:30 last night. Score!

I am looking for nuclear wessels

I'm going to start referring to my insomnia as a "senorita" because it really is as unpredictable and spicy as a Latina woman. I woke up last night at 3:30 having to use the facilities, and I couldn't fall back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. I think I might have gotten a 10-minute nap between 6:05 and 6:15 but I'm supposed to be in the shower at 6, so I had one of those "Sweet merciful crap!" moments when I looked at the clock and saw how late it was. But I just don't understand why I couldn't sleep. I didn't nap last night, I did my yoga to help me relax, I went to bed at 11...it just don't make no sense. And, I'll just admit it, I actually had half a cup of coffee this morning to help me perk up because I kept mixing things up and I was afraid I'd sit at somebody else's desk when I got to work if I didn't have some artificial stimulation. Hopefully that half cup of coffee won't make Lil' J hyperactive. He's been doing what feel like flips in my belly lately. It seriously feels like he's getting acrobatic in there. And then when he's done, he seems to settle directly on my bladder. Awesome. And I still have almost three whole months to go. I have a feeling I'm going to have a lot more trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Word.

Would you be prepared if gravity suddenly reversed itself?

I fell asleep watching Heroes last night, but I woke up in time to see Claire scissor off her toe and it grow back. Ewww! That's just gross. I kept thinking that her mom's dog probably ate the first toe. Gag. I had a fun time watching Chuck though. Last night's episode wasn't as funny as the premiere, but J and I always get a giggle at the IT jokes. It's funny because before I started dating J, I knew practically nothing about computers. And I definitely don't know a lot now, but I at least know the difference between kilobytes and megabytes, and I can roughly define things like "motherboard," "operating system" and "why PCs are superior to Macs." Here's a tip for anyone who is ever contemplating having a computer discussion with J: do not, under any circumstances, suggest that Macs have something on PCs. Just don't. Bringing up that subject with him is sort of like bringing up the Holocaust to a Jewish person--it's reeeeeally complicated. It's definitely better to just let it lie. Think of it like this: Bill Gates good, Steve Jobs bad. And go on from there.

WANTED: non-pyromaniac neighbors

We had quite the police presence on our street this weekend. Yesterday morning, J and I were driving to breakfast and noticed a burned-out van sitting on the street a few blocks up. The thing was torched like a campfire marshmallow. It was crazy. All the windows were gone, the interior was reduced to soot, etc.... Our neighbor told us later that apparently somebody has it in for the owner of that van because they'd used brush and accelerant to start the fire in the middle of the night on Saturday. You gotta really hate somebody to do that to an innocent van. And then yesterday afternoon, the cops showed up on our block because our two neighbors who live next door to each other across the street were fighting and threatening to kill each other and burn their houses down. Charming. It's JUST LIKE Wisteria Lane.

I also had a really fun birthday. We went to visit my Mom, sisters and nephews on Saturday, which was really cool. And I got my Cheesecake Factory dinner on Friday night. I barely ate my chicken, but, man, I tore into that slice of chocolate mousse cheesecake. My poor pancreas.