Would I play the lottery if I was psychic? You betcha

In an odd coincidence (or is it...?), my conversations today keep veering towards the supernatural and unexplained. Ghosts, UFO's, things like that. I think, like most people, I walk the line between healthy skepticism and a willingness to believe in things I haven't necessarily experienced myself. I don't think the pyramids were built my aliens and I thought the Alien Autopsy was hilarious, but I would personally dig it if I was psychic. When I was a kid I used to imagine that I was a telekinetic superhero. I'd ride up and down our driveway on my bike, pretending like I was wearing a silver, sparkly cape and saving the world from the forsythia bushes. I was such a weird kid. But I think that sort of thing is why I love the X-Men movies and I still secretly harbor a crush on Wolverine.

"How do we know it's really you?"
"You're a dick."
"Ok."

I love that guy.

Desmond, we hardly knew ye

I hate to say this, but I was a little underwhelmed by Lost last night. Yes, we found out lots of good information, and that foot statue was really weird, but I kept waiting for the big cliffhanger, and it never seemed to happen. But they did set us up for next season, I suppose. I guess I was hoping a satellite would come crashing down onto Michael's head, or Walt would turn into Spiderman, something like that. Even after Desmond took down the system, it seemed a little anticlimactic. Meh. Well, it's still a good show, and I must say that it was nice to see Libby again. I just wish I knew what that look between Jack and Kate at the end was supposed to signify.

On a different note, I want to share a little story that illustrates one of the reasons I love J so much. Last night around 8, I was sitting on the couch, I looked over at him and said "You know, I'm thinking about going to the store because I feel like baking something." And, without missing a beat, he replied "Be sure to get the brownies with walnuts in them. And could you get me some hard candy?" It was like he just KNEW I was planning on getting gummi worms, too. We have a psychic candy connection, people.

Whatever happened to Lee Horsley?

I am so tired this morning. I'm anxiously awaiting the minute the coffee finishes brewing. I imagine myself hovering over the coffee pot with a napkin tied around my neck, with a fork and knife in my hands, but that would really make more sense if I was eating the coffee and not drinking it. Huh.

Anyway, everybody needs to be sure to watch the Lost season finale tonight. I hear there's going to be a huge cliffhanger. I'm interested to find out why the plane crashed in the first place. But I feel pretty safe in assuming it had something to do with a can of Sprite.

Take that, Mr. Grizzly Bear

Anybody who knows me isn't going to believe this, but I actually did yardwork last night. Gasp! There used to be an above-ground pool in the backyard that has since been taken out, so there was a large, circular low spot where grass wouldn't grow. It looked like a bomb hit the backyard. Seriously. J had some soil delivered after work yesterday, so we were smoothing it out and filling in low spots until about 9 last night. Let me preface this by saying that J did most of the work, but I actually did some grass seeding, raking and watering of the lawn. I feel like I'm a better person for having chipped in and helped, but I would also like to add that the soil smelled like crap, I got my sequin shoes muddy and 20-pound bags of grass seed are no fun to carry around. Basically, I have concluded that I'm more of an indoors girl. I am one of those people that goes to the pool when they're at the beach. Raccoons scare me, and I'm allergic to ant bites. If I got lost in the forest, I'd be that person on the news who walks around in circles for 3 weeks before collapsing on a bee hive. That's me. Indoorsy.

We're having showgirls for dinner

It's still almost a week before we leave on vacation, and I'm already having trouble concentrating on anything else. I have a feeling this whole week is going to be a total wash. People will come up and ask me if I've heard the latest news story about Iraq and I'll reply "Pool?" I'll answer the phone "Breakfast buffet. May I sandals you?" Total waste.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue

Arisa sent us the coolest anniversary package the other night. Among other cool things, she included a mix CD of some nostalgic early 90's rap songs. By the time we were done listening to it, I had shaken my rump, busted a move and jumped up, jumped up and got down. Awesome.

We went out for our anniversary last night to this delightful Italian restaurant called Brio. They have the best cheesecake. Man, it was good. I was also extremely entertained by all the prom kids we saw there. The girls all looked quite lovely and in massive amounts of pain from their uncomfortable shoes. We also saw a bachelorette party that was pretty disappointing because they weren't drunk yet so therefore pretty dull. And we were seated beside a table of four young men who wore their sunglasses for pretty much their entire dinner. We were trying to figure out if they were high or famous. Although they did laugh a lot, turns out they were probably neither and were just a bunch of punks trying to act cool. What a letdown.

Surprisingly waspish this Friday morning

I am so, so sick of this cold, damp, rainy weather we've had for the past week. I'm sure the grass is loving it, but screw the grass. I want warmth!

I didn't get to see all the tv last night that I had planned to because I made an excursion to Target, and it turned out J was in no mood for the gender-bending shenanigans of Will & Grace, so we watched CSI instead. That is a fascinating show. Not just because I get to see shots of Vegas when I watch it, but they really do bring to light some interesting facets of humanity. Like men who wear corsets. I've said it before and I'll say it again: thank goodness we don't live in Victorian England because we'd all be married to uptight and pale jerks, eating marmalade every day (not the sweetened kind either!) and wearing corsets. Gross. I don't even like wearing panty hose and high heels...I can't imagine being strapped in a girdle that keeps you from breathing all day. Who thought that was a good idea? Oh, I got it, the same guy who thinks we should all be injecting snake venom into our faces to make us look "better." Riiiight.

A-hoy hoy

I got the feeling that last night's Lost was really more about setting up the season finale than giving us anything really good to chew on, and that's fine. Good setup generally equals good payoff. There's just one thing bothering me: why didn't Michael just come back to camp, tell them the Others wanted Henry back and would give him Walt in return? Why with the shooting and the gun? Couldn't he have just told them what was up? All this leads me to believe that Michael is now certifiably crazy. I think he's just plain nuts. Thank goodness Sayid noticed the man was acting like a loon. I'm telling you, I want to hire an Iraqi interrogator to just follow me around all day and give me wise warnings about people around me: "That Kroger checkout girl is high on meth. She'll try to steal your dried apricots. Do not let her."

J's out sick again today, poor guy. He did seem to be improving, but last night he started feeling sick again. The virus rises again. Is anybody else amazed that I haven't caught this thing? I keep waiting for it to hit me, but I'm totally fine. I'm invincible!!

Bass Masters

I'm developing a new theory that J and his computer have a special, psychic link. I just find it interesting that the computer got a virus Monday night, and J picked up his virus on THE SAME NIGHT. Eerie. I'm starting to wonder if I poke the computer with a pin, will J jump? I'll have to test this hypothesis.

Poor J was really sick yesterday. This is a guy who generally doesn't watch much tv, and he spent something like 12 hours yesterday watching fishermen on the Discovery Channel. I think the shows were called Deadliest Catch, and they were pretty fascinating. These Alaskan crab fishermen talk about drowning so nonchalantly, and I thought to myself "Never once in my daily routine at the library have I had to worry about getting thrown into sub-zero ocean waters and dying." And, for that, I am very grateful.

Kent, this is God

I did my house cleaning last night. It wasn't bad. When I moved in, J's house was in pretty good shape overall. He was in the middle of redoing the walls so it looked a little bit like a victim of the blitzkrieg, but that was no big deal. The one issue I have is with the kitchen floor. Apparently in the five years between the day the previous homeowners left and I moved in, J and his various housemates only cleaned the kitchen floor when, I don't know, comets passed overhead. And, people, a bi-annual scrubbing is just not going to cut it. I have spent hours trying to whip that floor into shape, and it never looks one bit cleaner. You know things are bad when you start off your mopping by saying "Listen, Floor, we don't have to like each other. We just have to get through this without one of us getting hurt. Don't make me bring out the hammer." I never have to talk to the bathtub like that.

J was sick last night, so I didn't sleep too well. He said his throat was really sore and swollen. You know what that means, right? Mumps! Noooo!

I quote Socrates, who said "I drank what?"

That was an exhausting but great day yesterday. Nephew #5 is doing very well and is looking adorable. And we had a nice lunch with my Mom, and I got to see my younger sister's house and the room she painted for my nephew (a cool, bold red). When we were at my older sister's, J came up with the idea of putting the futon mattress over himself, crawling on the floor and chasing around my 2-year-old nephews, and they LOVED it. In the beginning, J was just chasing them and roaring and they'd run away squealing or looking very concerned, but as time went by, Nephew #2 started flinging himself on the mattress and yelling "I got him!" It was hilarious. I got underneath the mattress a couple times but discovered it was very hot under there, so we just let J take over again. It was much fun. Being an aunt is so nice that you get to play with them all you want, but the minute poop becomes an issue, you just hand them over to Mom or Dad. Excellent deal.

I tell you what, by the time we got back home, we were both beat though. I even fell asleep during Family Guy. For shame.

I'll be asleep by 7:30 tonight, guaranteed

We're about to head over to Dayton for Mother's Day, and I'm already worn out. I stayed up too late playing poker last night at the in-laws' (I won a couple hands but I eventually revealed that I had no idea what I was doing...the illusion was nice while it lasted) and then I had to get up at 6 this morning. I've already showered, dressed, grocery shopped, filled up the car with gas and gotten breakfast at McDonald's, and it's only 8:30. Wow. I'm very, very excited to see the family though. We're going to have lunch with Mom then head over to my sister's to see the new baby, both my sisters and their families. I'm quite curious to see how the 2-year-old nephews are around the new baby. Nephew #2 is so high energy that I fear he's going to try to stuff his little brother into the DVD player at some point. And he'll mean that in the nicest possible way, of course.

Canines with AIDS?

Ahhh, The Office was so good last night! In the parking lot, I totally thought Jim was going to tell Pam about his job transfer, so when he told her he was in love with her, I literally gasped and threw my hand over my mouth in surprise. I felt like one of those women who gets on stage at The Price is Right and sees they could possibly win a brand new RV. I thought it was so sweet how Pam was talking to her mom on the phone, and then when Jim came in and they kissed, it was so dramatic and awesome. Why can't tv always be that good? I just wish they had done more with Jim's "telekinetic" powers because that cracked me up. I'm laughing just thinking about it.

We have a busy weekend ahead of us. Birthday parties, Mother's Day celebrations, and I have seriously got to brush the Wubby J. because I'm noticing balls of fur in odd places like my makeup bag and the mantle.

I am craving a jelly donut

Lost was very enjoyable last night. That was sad about Libby and Ana-Lucia, but I got a huge laugh when Michael realized Libby wasn't dead yet and could spill the beans about what he did. Take that, Mr. Shooty! But, alas, it wasn't to be. Although the previews made it look like Sayid's going to figure him out. And I really liked the Eko storyline. I always like it when dreams reveal things to people. I never have dreams that interesting. Last night, I dreamt that my gym switched to a new building 50 feet from the old one. Fascinating. Pfft. But anyway, I'm still having trouble believing the button is just an experiment. Maybe I just feel bad for Locke being made to look like a doofus AGAIN. That's gotta smart.

The season finale of The Office is on tonight, and I have to be sure I turn it on before 9:30 because it's "supersized" or some such thing. Jam!

Livin' in the hood has made me very bitter

I was so out of it this morning that I tried to wash my hair with conditioner. And what's really sad is that it actually took me a good minute to figure out why there were no bubbles. Sigh. I guess the bright side of this is that if I ever go senile, I'm going to have some really soft hair. Greasy, but soft.

I see that Britney Spears confirmed she's pregnant again. This means Kevin Federline will have 4 kids and he's only (what?) 24 or 25 years old? Consider this: George Clooney is in his 40's, has a great career, seems pretty smart and interesting, and hasn't reproduced once yet. This is the world we live in. Feel free to throw rotten tacos at a hoodrat on your way home if it makes you feel any better. I know I will.

The water-filled sphere of lameness

I was pretty busy last night doing things like burning venison steaks on the grill and jamming my finger into the wall whilst scrubbing the kitchen floor, but I did finally turn on the tv around 9:30 and got sucked into that David Blaine special. I don't know exactly what the deal was, but he was apparently trying to break the world record for holding his breath underwater by doing it for almost 9 minutes. And he only got to 7. The announcers kept talking about how even though he didn't break the record, he accomplished so much, he is so strong, blah blah blah. J and I, of course, were sitting on the couch yelling things like "Loser!" and "Wussy!" at the tv. David Blaine. That guy needs to get a real job.

Bart Bartabart

I went to visit my sister and new nephew on Saturday. That little baby is soooo cute! He pretty much just slept the whole time, and he didn't even cry when I held him! He's got kind of strawberry-blond hair and my sister said he looks just like her other son did when he was born. I was amazed because my sister was in no pain on Saturday. Apparently the delivery went really well, so she wasn't even on Tylenol or anything. She is tough as nails, that one.

It was really great because I also got to see my Mom and my younger sister and her family, too. My younger sister is now 8 months pregnant. She told me that she's getting annoyed with everyone telling her she looks like she swallowed a basketball, so I told her to tell those people "Oh yeah? Well you look like you swallowed some SHUT UP!" They'll write it off to hormones, so she might as well say what she's thinking now while she can get away with it.

My basketball team is complete!

My sister called last night and told me my nephew was born at 5:05 yesterday. Yay! But check it out: my FIFTH nephew born at 5:05 on May 5th. Weeeeeeird!

I'm their better

Most of the time I tell myself that I am not a snobby person. And then I have nights like yesterday and I realize that I really am. I went to the Kroger near our house to pick up a few things before The Office came on. Now, this is the Kroger I usually only go to in emergencies because it's pretty scary most of the time. It's not like you're dodging bullets in the parking lot and avoiding blood spills in the canned goods aisle, but it's not pretty either. So I did my shopping and as I was leaving, some dude in a gray Camaro was revving his engine over and over in the parking lot and peeling out, and I thought to myself "Why do the poor always want me to hear their cars?" See? Total snot.

I found out this morning that J and I are going to babysit his 3-year-old nephew tonight. Oh my. This nephew is really good and cute but I can never understand a word he's saying. This should be interesting. And by "interesting," I mean "tearful."

Adios, nutcracker

Wow. WOW, that was an interesting Lost last night. I figured something was wrong with Michael when he was describing the Others, because we all know they're far more advanced than that. What I didn't get was why Kate didn't speak up about that since she'd seen their hatch. But I can't believe he went on a shooting rampage! I don't know how he's going to explain Ana getting shot while lounging on the couch though. And poor Libby. There's a part of me that hopes those were some really thick blankets.

And I'm happy to report that my headache is finally gone this morning. Freakin' took forever. I slacked off last night and didn't get to the store because I was too tired, so now we're out of Ziploc sandwich baggies and soap. Fortunately, we still have the makings for waffles, so we're good.

Excuse me, miss. I speak jive.

I feel a little bit of a cold coming on. When I first got up today and felt all stuffed up, my immediate thought was "Mumps! Noooo!" but, don't worry, I have regained my sanity. For now anyway.

I saw the head of Exxon/Mobil being interviewed on the Today show this morning. I must say, his unapologetic stance that he's "in the business of making money" and won't agree to cut profits in order to lower gas prices was infuriating, but, honestly, kind of refreshing, too. It's nice to see someone who gives an entire country the figurative finger like that. Do I still want to throttle him and the rest of the big five gas companies? Of course. Have I secretly been brewing my own mixture of fuel from lighter fluid, Hawaiian Punch and grass cuttings? Not yet. But I do feel as though I'm close to perfecting the recipe.

My neck hurts. Mumps! Noooo!

Rollin' with the homies

I am so thankful I am not a teenager anymore. Whenever I hear a story about teenage angst, I'm just so, so happy I have moved beyond that maudlin, melodramatic period of life. And I wasn't even an unhappy teenager. I was a little shy and self-conscious, but I never passed out in a rave covered in my best friend's vomit or anything like that. Honestly, at this stage of the game, I'm glad I didn't have a boyfriend in high school either because, from what I hear, boys that age are nothing but one big testicle. They don't care about a girl's feelings or needs. They won't be satisfied until they've humped themselves unconscious.

Not that I think teenage girls are much better. They write bad poetry, cry a lot, throw keychains at people and make statements like "You're ruining my life!!!" I mean really. The only thing that can ruin your life is marrying Kevin Federline, so let's try to relax, ok? Sure, your butt is never going to look as good as it did when you were 16, but, all in all, I don't think it's worth it.

27!

I went to McDonald's on Saturday to pick up a hamburger, and they had an advertisement for a 42-ounce Coke for $1.65. 42 ounces?? What the? Why would? Where is? Sigh.

It was a pretty good weekend all around. I got 2 bikinis from Target because they were on sale for half price. I think technically I could have gone for a little more coverage of my problem areas, but I figure I already had my career as a supermodel, so I can move on now.

I watched Play Misty for Me on AMC yesterday afternoon. That's a really interesting movie. It was kind of a Fatal Attraction for the 70's from what I could tell. I loved seeing the polyester pants and Carol Brady haircuts. And I especially loved watching Clint Eastwood clock the stalker at the end of the movie and send her flying out a window. It's not every day you see a man full-out punch a woman in the face.