Ticking timebags

It's Friday and it's payday. Yes!

I think something is slightly amok with jeans these days. The other day, I went to Kohl's and tried on a pair of jeans that were on sale. They fit really well, so I paid for them, and as I was walking out of the store, I looked again at the label and saw they were the "short" length. People, these jeans go down to almost my toes. They're seriously underneath my shoes when I walk. How long were the "average" length jeans?!? And I'm not short; I'm 5'6". I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for short chicks. I think it's time we make a stand and demand 29 inch inseams again! High-waters for all!

Wasn't The Office fun last night? I'm still reeling from the thought of baloney, ketchup and tomato sandwiches though. Ewwww.

I don't like my shoes

Oooh, Lost was good last night! I have got to give it to J: about 10 minutes into the episode, he said he thought Henry Gale was an imposter for the real man who was flying the balloon. Good call there, buddy. I loved how they set that up because I was finally coming around to thinking that maybe fake Henry was at least a nice person, but now I'm back to thinking he's a stone-cold bastard. I am dying to find out what that map on the blast door was about. And I was happy to see Jack actually being smart and tough in his poker game with Sawyer. It's about time somebody showed that putz that he's not so hot. Snap.

But I still like boho skirts

I made it a point to not look or listen to Campbell Brown too much this morning, so I'm feeling much less snippy today than I did yesterday. Phew!

Last night was odd. I finally sat down on the couch around 9 to watch House and realized that was the first time I had sat down in about 4 hours. I was just running a lot of errands and coveting bikinis at Kohl's. The bikini is such an interesting piece of clothing. Aside from the fact that a bikini will knock you over the head with every last one of your physical imperfections and there's hardly any material to it, we'll still pay $50 for one. And when you live in land-locked Ohio, a lot of the time we only wear them a couple times a year. At least when you shell out $60 for a coat, you know you're going to use it. But even with all the downfalls of the bikini, I still want a new one. I'm going to blame that on "society." Along with cigarettes, pregnant teenagers and gaucho pants. Freakin' society.

Tea kettle for brains

I reeeeally hate to be that person that corrects other people's grammar, but this just ticked me off this morning: I'm watching the Today show and Campbell Brown (she of the suspiciously thin nostrils) is interviewing Lou Dobbs about this new immigration bill. And she says to him "Mr. Dobbs, I've been watching your show, and I notice that when you start to talk about immigration, steam is literally coming out of your ears." Really, Campbell? Steam is literally coming out of his ears? Because if so, he's got way bigger problems than immigration. I'm sure she meant to say "steam is practically coming out of your ears" or some other exaggeration, but I'm just amazed that someone can get that high up in the network news and not understand what "literally" means. Ugh. And then I get annoyed with myself over getting annoyed about something so miniscule, but I just can't take it. You know Jane Pauley wouldn't have said something that stupid.

Datsun

Is there any worse feeling that waiting for a check in the mail? Well, ok, I know for a fact there are worse feelings than that, but you know what I mean. It's a little bit excruciating. I turned in my expense report two and a half weeks ago from my conference in Baltimore, and I haven't even heard if my boss has looked at it yet. All the while, my bank account is shrinking and shrinking. Now, I'm used to having bank account balances in the single digits, so it doesn't freak me out or anything, but it still kind of depresses me. Because it's always at times like this that I find the perfect spring coat on sale at Target and I can't buy it because it's $3 more than what I can spend. Damn it!

In good news, however, one of my coworkers just gave me a box of Girl Scout cookies. For no real reason. See, when God shuts one door, a box of cookies appears out of nowhere. You gotta dig that.

Count Choculitis

Let me preface this by saying that what you are about to read are the ramblings of a really sleepy person who hasn't had her coffee yet, so don't expect this to make sense. That said, it was kind of interesting seeing the other side of the insomnia coin last night. Normally, I fall asleep no problem and wake up too early. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until after 2 a.m. I went downstairs around 1 and started freaking myself out thinking about all the scary movies I've seen in the last year, so I was scared that the ghosts from The Ring and The Grudge and the zombies from 28 Days Later were all trying to get into my living room to eat my face. See, I think what my real problem in life is the fact that my brain is CRAZY. If I had no brain, I'd bet I'd sleep a whole lot better.

I did have a very nice day off yesterday though. I saw my Mom, sister and nephew and even though I didn't get a chance to really shop at H&M, I am encouraged by what I saw as I ran by after my nephew. Oh, and Cheryl & Co. was having a sale on cookies. I love her.

No oysters here

You know, I almost forgot to watch Lost last night since there have been so many reruns lately. I'm glad I remembered because I thought it was quite interesting. That Henry Gale is no good. No good, I say! Does anybody else think that Sun cheated on Jin and it's her English teacher's baby? They left it kind of ambiguous, and it makes me sad to think that Sun, too, is now a member of the Island A-hole Club, but that really seemed to be where they were going with that. And I cracked up when I saw that Sawyer was reading Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. He can learn a lot about maxi pads reading that book. I know I did. Gah.

Oh, and I'm not at work today. I'm at home on holiday. Whee! I hear there's a new H&M at the mall, so I'm hoping to head up there and check it out. Wasn't there one of those in LA? Or Boston? All I remember was that it was pretty sweet for cheap accessories. Nice.

Crime doesn't pay, kids

I think maybe, MAYBE I cobbled together about four hours of sleep last night. I had trouble falling asleep, staying asleep and going back to sleep. That is a triumverate of suckiness, let me tell you. The good news is that I'm taking tomorrow off because my Mom and sister are coming into town to visit, so I can take 8 or 9 sleeping pills tonight and sleep in tomorrow. Yes!

You all know how much I enjoy watching COPS, right? Well, they were talking about car thieves on the Today show this morning, and how cities are putting "bait cars" out that lock up when thieves break into them, and they have radio tracking devices and all that. In the coolest piece of news I've heard in a while, they mentioned that Columbus, Ohio (awww yeah!) also adds a soundtrack to the bait car: the theme song of COPS. So they show these two Columbus guys joyriding around in a stolen car, it locks up, and "Bad boys, bad boys" starts playing, at which point they yell and try to kick their way out of the car because they know they are SCREWED. Gnarly.

Learn how to spell, you punk kids

I am presently enjoying a delightful cup of McDonald's new "gourmet" coffee. It's pretty good, and at 95 cents, it's not a bad deal. Of course, since it's from McDonald's, I don't know if it's made from actual coffee beans or some sort of laboratory-made, coffee-flavored compound, but, heck, ignorance is bliss.

We watched Walk the Line last night. That's a good movie. I can't believe it was almost two and a half hours long, but it held my interest the whole time. I don't think I'm ever going to understand how people get so addicted to drugs though. It's not that I don't get the psychological causes of it--it's just that my tumtum is so delicate that I get nauseous from my calcium supplement. I don't see how I could ever get addicted to Vicodin. I'd be puking it all right back up. If I were a rock star, I imagine I'd be riding in my bus, reading books and drinking Diet Coke. I'd be the lamest rock star ever. Even worse than Linkin Park.

Technical difficulties

All day, this website has been giving me trouble. It's as if the fates don't want me doing this at work. Curious.

I was (surprise!) watching tv last night and saw this Burger King commercial with the cowboys riding the bucking chicken. Ummm, Burger King, if your intent was to disturb, confuse and traumatize the viewers, congratulations. That commercial freaks me out. I'm starting to think that Burger King has hired an ad agency of reptilian aliens/cokeheads to make its ads. Even though I liked the ones with the King inserted into the football clips, even that guy still creeps me out. His head is so disproportionately large!

One of my friends in South Carolina is having some medical trouble. Fortunately, she's making quick progress on her recovery. She's such a cool girl. She's one of those people who doesn't have to be drunk to do karaoke, can go to the bathroom in 30 seconds flat (even in overalls!) and looks fantastic wearing orange. She's awesome.

Mootootoos

We went and had dinner with my side of the family last night. My sisters' kids just crack me up! My one nephew had just woken up, so he was a little subdued all night. That is, until his dad tried to put his coat on. Apparently, the boy does not like wearing his coat. You'd have thought the coat was on fire for how reluctant my nephew was to put it on. My other nephew was chattering away, sticking his finger up his nose (he's had a cold for about a month), and crawling around on the floor underneath the table, bringing me napkin wrappers and telling me they were "forty dollars." I wish. Those little guys are just the cutest. And in less then three months, each of them will have a little brother. My basketball team is almost complete! Mwa ha ha!

You're a nanite! You are!

When I tried to go directly to my blog's webpage, it said I wasn't "authorized" to access the page. Fine. Be that way. I'll just go through blogger's home page. Nanny nanny boo boo. And stick your head in doggy doo.

I've been up since 4 this morning. You know, it's not so much the waking up that bothers me; it's that there's just nothing to DO at 4 a.m. Especially in the winter. It's all cold and dark. Maybe this summer I will make more of an effort to actually accomplish something when I've got insomnia. Like bake cookies, give myself bangs, get an online degree, stuff like that.

I got an MP3 player last night. It's no ipod or anything, but it's pretty cool considering I had been listening to my small radio walkman when I worked out. I'm amazed how many songs you can get on this little $30 player. And it's small enough to fit in a pocket. Maybe technology isn't all bad. Maybe cell phones aren't a sign of the decline of western civilization...wait, yes they are. What was I thinking?

You smell like a monkey and act like one, too

Happy Birthday, J! He opened his presents this morning and seemed to be most excited about the Kanye West CD. I think that's his urban upbringing coming out. For the most part, J is a pretty normal, well-adjusted white boy, but every once in a while his ghetto fabulous side comes out, and he starts a-rappin' like nobody's business. I've never met someone who could quote so much NWA.

My car's at the shop this morning getting an oil change and having the "blower motor" looked at. I put "blower motor" in quotes because I have no idea what that is. That's just what J called it. The entire time I've had this car, the air conditioner/heater fan has only had 2 settings: OFF and MAX. The thought of having a fan that can actually be adjusted is kind of blowing my mind. Whoa! Slow down!

Bring it on, Poindexter

I was having this awesome dream last night that J and I were staying at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas, hanging out by the pool under a bright sun and cloudless sky. I think we were even sipping daquiris and looking awesome in bathing suits. So then I pulled myself out of bed at my designated showering time, took a quick peek out the blinds to see what was happening outside, and there was snow on the ground. That'll take the wind out of your sails.

You know that conference I went to last week? Well, it was given by the professional association that I belong to for my job. And for the last couple days, there has been this fight on the association listserve because one woman dared to criticize the conference, and people have been jumping all over her. You have no idea how vicious a bunch of librarians can get! The one woman is all "I expected more from you people" and others are hitting back with things like "if you don't like it, get off your rear and do something" and "shove it." It's pretty funny. I'm getting these visions of a librarian rumble using rulers, exacto knives and bound journals. Awesome.

Crimson and clover over and over

The temperature was in the 60's yesterday. Kids were walking around in tshirts and flip-flops. This morning when we left the house, it was SNOWING. What the? At times like this, I always feel sorry for birds. They're all sitting around yesterday thinking "Awesome. Let's head back north and start building our summer nest" and next thing they know, they're smack dab in the middle of a snowstorm, confused as all get out. Poor kids.

I went and got some birthday presents for J last night. Last year, he wanted RAM but this year he wasn't quite as specific, so I had to wing it. I can't divulge here what I got him because he does read this every once in a while, but I shall let you know on Friday. Wow, Friday is St. Patrick's Day. Time for a shamrock shake!

it's a twister!

Did anybody else see the "screaming black dolphins" on Family Guy last night? Oh man, that was funny.

It's raining really hard outside right now, complete with thunder and lightning, too. The weather reports this morning were saying that we might actually get a tornado this afternoon. I am distressed. I've had a fear of tornadoes since I was a kid, and then a few years ago I saw this documentary about tornadoes where a wooden post was sent through a metal door in 50 mph winds, and that just didn't help at all. Now I can't shake this mental image in my head of me staggering around the street with a fence post through my midsection. That would not be cool.

Shake it

Yesterday was a long day, but it was fine. The funeral service was very nice. One of J's aunts is a Pentecostal preacher, and her sermon was something else. I can honestly say that I've never been to a funeral service like that before. I don't want it to sound like I'm making fun, because when she was preaching, singing and speaking in tongues, it really did cheer people up. I wasn't that cheered up until we got some Steak'n'Shake after the burial, but that's neither here nor there. And the birthday party afterwards was fun. You get 25 people ranging in age from 5 months to 61 years in one house together, and there's bound to be lots going on. But if I go the rest of my life without glimpsing my father-in-law flash my mother-in-law again, I'll be just fine. Holy smokes.

I can't believe it's yogurt!

You know how you can get so tired that you just feel like crying? That's where I am this morning. I think a lot of it is just residual traveling fatigue, but we've got a lot to do today and tomorrow because J's grandmother passed away on Wednesday, so we've got the viewing this afternoon and the funeral tomorrow. And then I, of course, barely slept last night. I know I'll come back and reread this post next week and hate the self-pitying tone of it, but right now all I want to do is figure out what the heck kind of dickwad I was in a former life that I am doomed to insomnia like this. I must have been one of those a-holes who deliberately gives people wrong directions just for kicks. That's just the sort of thing a former incarnation of me would have done. Damn it!

In order to assuage my guilt at talking like this is all about me when J's grandmother just died, let me say this: she was one spunky woman. I saw her in the nursing home a couple times, and she was a riot. A bed-ridden riot, but still. She told me that when she was younger, she used to drive a truck in a coal mine. That sounds so much cooler than saying you worked in a frozen yogurt store.

Suck it, Ravens

I'm back from Baltimore! It was a good conference, but a completely exhausting trip. Don't get me started on the fiasco that was my flight over. Ugh. But I did get a delightful crab cake sandwich from Philip's yesterday, and that really made my day. I also saw the lovely Inner Harbor area, got some saltwater taffy and walked so much I have both shin splints and blisters. Isn't that sad that my life is so sedentary that walking around a city for three days rendered my legs useless? Pitiful.

And I was so happy I got to see Ashrey and her husband in DC on Tuesday! That was a blast! We went to this USC alumni reception and saw George Will, the columnist and tv talking head. I swear, I see the oddest people when I go to conferences. Last year in Houston I saw Juwan Howard and this year, George Will. Maybe next conference it'll be Charo.

What's all this then?

I am so happy. I went to Macy's this afternoon and found 2 shirts, a pair of pants and 2 shirts for J for $31 altogether. That's a deal right there. It's actually quite lovely out today. Clear blue sky, lots of sun, gentle breeze. Of course, it's chilly, but the chill doesn't seem so bad when sunshine is behind it. I know this is sick, but I actually consider going out shopping as "doing something outdoors on a pretty day." Even I can recognize that's not good. But at least I get a couple gulps of fresh air between the car of the mall door. Meh.

It's sinking in that I'm not going to be at work Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday next week. I am convinced that one of those will be Surprise Bushel of Cupcakes Day or We're Giving You the Afternoon Off for No Apparent Reason Day. I just know it!

The Mussolini speech

I liked The Office last night. I have actually worked in offices where people fight over the thermostat like that. You'd think that issues like promotions, wages and benefits would cause most of the tension in an office, but no. It's always things like the thermostat, suspicions about 3-hole-puncher theft and somebody taking somebody else's parking spot. Curious.

In an interesting coincidence, I woke up with a headache this morning, and I think it's because of work stress. I've worked about 30 different jobs in my life, and I have come to accept that I will never understand management. I can only tell myself that there are legal or financial reasons for why they do some of the things they do, and that's cool. But lately, I've been having this overwhelming feeling that when management makes some surprising decisions, it's not because they are doing the best they can, but because they're just looking out for each other. And that makes me sad. And angry. And a little bit like we ought to book a flight to Australia because there's a chance we might run into Jim or end up on a deserted island paradise.

Other than that, everything really is good. For one thing, it's Friday (yes!), we're going out to lunch today, and I'm going to be in Baltimore next week for my conference. CRAB CAKES!

Roseola sounds dirty

I'm glad to know what happened to Claire when she was kidnapped, but the most interesting part was finding out that the rags and beards of the Others were all fake. Huh. Did anybody catch what it was they were injecting into Claire? Was that the same stuff Desmond was using? Mr. Eko pretty much freaked me out last night. First I thought he was going to knife Henry "Liar" Gale, then I thought he was going to slit his own throat, then he cut off part of his beard. What the?

I love studies. On the Today show this morning, they said a new study just came out that concluded married women are happiest when they have an emotionally supportive husband who also does all the work and brings home a huge paycheck. Wow. What a revelation. I'm thinking that I could do a study that concludes people don't floss because it's a pain in the neck and it hurts. I could make millions.

Girls gone stupid

Any minute now, we should be having birthday cake in the office. Whee! It's my coworker's birthday today. She's 81. And, let me tell you something, she is more spry than most women one-third her age. If I make it to 81, I hope I'm like her, walking around, sassing obnoxious people and laughing all the time. She says that drinking apple cider vinegar every morning is what keeps her young. Heck, if that's all it takes, sign me up.

I couldn't help myself. Instead of sticking with American Idol last night, I kept switching over to Court TV and watching reruns of COPS. They were showing episodes filmed in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Dude. That has got to be about the worst job ever for a police officer. You could just see it in their eyes--the dread of having to tell men to put their wangs back in their pants. Makes me want to go out and buy a cop a coffee and pat him on the back for every time he's had a drunk puke on him. Ugh.