Oh yes, the "liar, liar, pants on fire" defense

There was a news story this morning about a man and woman who got married ten years ago and (while they were married) they froze some embryos so they could have children. Well, before the implantation, the man changed his mind and the couple eventually got divorced. Now the woman is trying to get the embryos implanted because she wants to have kids badly, but the man is saying he doesn't want children with her, so he's not giving her permission. Is it just me or does it seem like science has moved faster than common sense? Does it actually seem like a good idea for this woman to have children with a man who has made it abundantly clear that he does not want that? Is there no other option for her because several are springing to my mind. I guess I've never really understood women who want biological children at any cost. I always had this idea that you find a good father first, and then you have children because I think kids need a good dad just as much as a good mom. I would imagine that even if this woman has another man raise her kids, they'll still wonder about their biological father, and then how is she going to explain that? The whole thing just seems so weird. I sometimes think (quite unfairly, I realize) that people should have to take drug, psychological and IQ tests before they can reproduce. Geesh.

She is the devil's concubine!

I'm late posting today only because I had a doctor's appointment this morning. And because I had a doctor's appointment so early, I didn't feel like packing lunches, so J and I went out for lunch today. And the point of telling you this is so you see that I've been outside the building about 4 times as much today as I normally am. Why is this significant? Because it's like 90 degrees out there and I feel like the soles of my shoes are melting. Dang, it's only May! How can it be up to 90 already? This worries me because if it stays this hot all summer and I'm forced to use my car's a/c all the time (and you can just forget it if you suggest I not use it. I am a delicate flower!) and gas keeps getting more and more expensive, I may have to start selling my plasma. Which, really, would be a boon for the entire society, in my humble opinion. I have very healthy blood ever since my vampirism was cured last year.

Showcase showdown

For some reason, it feels weird to be back at work today. We only had the one day off yesterday, but I'm missing just lying around all day in sweatpants watching miniseries on the History Channel. Sigh. Sometimes I think that even though it's been, geez, about 6 years since I was in school and had summers off, I still expect to get a summer vacation every year. And, really, since I work at a college, it's sort of like summer vacation because all the faculty and students are gone, but it's just not the same as getting to watch The Price Is Right every day while eating watermelon. Those were the days right there. But, honestly, I don't know what I'd do with myself if I had three months off from work every summer. I suppose I'd just give in and learn to like Dr. Keith Ablow....?

He can't shoot Patrick Swayze because he loves him so much

Yesterday, J and I went to see Hot Fuzz at the movies, and I highly recommend it. The last half hour was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Everybody in the theatre was laughing out loud. Hilarious. Since it had the same guys who were in Shawn of the Dead, I had a pretty good feeling that it would turn out to be great fun. I actually went to see Shawn by myself a couple years ago in the dollar theatre, and it was the same thing: I laughed myself silly and the other people in the audience may have thought I was mental. But that's ok. If you can't laugh at zombies, what can you laugh at?

SPF 300

Ahh, I feel so much better today. I think I slept for almost 8 hours last night. Unprecedented! I was having a dream that I was back in South Carolina getting ready for a pool party at Ashley's and I was trying to find a bikini to wear. In my dream, I was thin, toned and looking good. And then I woke up. Ha! I'm very excited because we're heading to Florida soon, and even though I won't be wearing any bikinis, I'm so psyched to have some time off work to lay by a pool and drink margaritas. Word up.

And I hope everybody has a fun Memorial Day weekend! It's supposed to rain here, but I'm still going to make J grill out hamburgers every day from Saturday to Monday. He'll be fine; he's not made of sugar.

My belly is bloated and distended

Ergh, I was so sick yesterday with the intestinal distress. I don't know if I ate something or caught a stomach bug or what, but I was just miserable. I'll spare you the gory details, but, suffice it to say, it was a festival of pain. And the weird thing was that Wubby J. was throwing up yesterday morning, too. I've got to stop eating his food.

I thought Lost's finale was so good last night! So sad about Charlie, but the ending was crazy! The flash-forward with Jack was confusing for a while, but it's really got me wondering why he regretted leaving the island so much. I'd still be happy to be near a McDonald's no matter what. But I don't really understand why Ben was so vague with Jack about not using the phone. If he was really that worried about this other group of people finding the island, just say so. Use details, man! You're not going to convince anybody with those cryptic statements. Geesh. And I was so happy that Sayid, Bernard and Jin made it. I was worried about them for a while. Although I'm pretty sure Sawyer has snapped. He's like eight kinds of crazy.

Lint licker!

Was it just me or did Sylar seem to give up pretty easy last night? I was figuring the good guys were going to have to whomp on him for a good twenty minutes at least, but then Hiro pops up with his sword, runs him through and that was that. It was easy...almost too easy. But I liked the end with Nathan and Peter. I was also hoping that Hiro was going to face the big dinosaur in the beginning of volume two, but I guess we'll have to wait for that. I guess in terms of historical accuracy, you can't just throw a T. Rex in the middle of Japan in the 17th century without getting some angry letters from viewers. Unless it was Godzilla. Oooh, that would be cool.

Yeah, and I also slept for less than 4 hours last night. I am taking a sleeping pill at 7 tonight. I don't even care anymore.

As a society, our standards have really dropped

Apparently, Rush Limbaugh has been airing this "satirical" song about Barack Obama on his radio show where a white man pretends to be Al Sharpton and refers to Obama as "the magic Negro." Ok, I really cannot understand at all anymore why people still listen to Rush Limbaugh. At first, I thought he was just a pretty conservative guy who was getting by on charisma and his unending stream of venom towards Liberals. But now that we know he used his maid to buy illegal prescription drugs, he was addicted to Oxycontin and he seems to be proud of airing racial songs like this, can anybody still like him? Does the above description of his person actually make some people go "Well, aside from all that, I still think he's a wise, thoughtful man."?? Is that humanly possible? I'm starting to think that certain people could see a videotape of Rush Limbaugh prostituting puppies to rich Albanians and still tune in to his radio show. Incredible.

Chicken sandwich with chipotle mayo...mmm

The Office left me with such a warm, fuzzy feeling last night. Jim and Pam are going to go out on a date! Yay! I was so glad he finally came around, because I was starting to think that Jim's heart had turned dead and black. But Pam's note and a yogurt top gold medal won him over. Awww. But what was that with Ryan at the end? Where did that come from? And, as always, I found Dwight to be very entertaining. It made me wonder if Dunder Mifflin's paper is actually produced in Pennsylvania. Otherwise, the soil discussion may have been somewhat superfluous. I'm just saying.

I believe J and I are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate our anniversary. I'm shooting for Cheesecake Factory, but we'll have to see what the wait is. No piece of cheesecake is worth standing in line for two freakin' hours. I mean really.

In Italian, it's pronounced "Wubbissimo!"

I had to come into work late today to take the Wubby J. Meow-Meow to the vet's. He wasn't acting like his normal, exuberant, ankle-swiping self this morning. Instead of running up and down the stairs with me, he just curled up into a ball and lay down in a corner. And he wouldn't eat or drink and he had gunk coming out of his eyes, so we called the vet right away and got an appointment. The vet said he had a fever, and it's probably just a general bacterial infection, so we'll see how the little guy responds to his antibiotics. I can tell you one thing for sure: he was really unhappy with me for taking him to the vet's. I hate that look of hurt reproach in his eyes. I kept trying to tell him it was for his own good, but he wouldn't hear it. Poor cat. Our relationship would be so much smoother if he understood English.

Oh, and Lost was good last night! I really hope Charlie survives. Why can't they kill Kate instead?

Whatever! Whatever! I'll do what I want!

I don't know if it was the giant Steak 'n Shake milkshake I got with dinner last night or what, but I've got this feeling that at any moment my stomach is going to revolt on me and start with the intestinal distress. I've got this vague, general sense of disquiet in my tummy, and this I find disturbing. Well, we shall see. Perhaps I'm just nervous because I have to give a student a quiz this morning and I'm afraid he'll talk me into giving him the answers. Which, really, would not be a good move on his part because the test is on history of cinema and when I read the questions, I didn't know any of the answers. I just kept hoping that Spike Lee was the answer, but it never seemed to fit anywhere. Meh.

It's raining outside today. In fact, last night it was thundering and lightning, and J woke me up to tell me and I leaned over and whispered to him "You have got to let me sleep." I'm kind of a jerk in the middle of the night.

You don't make friends with salad

Ok, so if I got this right, D.L., Linderman and Ted all died on Heroes last night? That was quite the body count for one episode. I actually hope Linderman manages to heal himself and come back though. I've always liked that actor. Plus, it gives any tv show weight to have an English actor on there, sounding all classy and grave with that accent. Would we all have taken Die Hard as seriously if Alan Rickman hadn't been the bad guy? I think not.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning because my cell phone battery was dying so it started beeping at me. Sweet merciful crap, if I don't get a good night's sleep sometime soon here, I'm going to go crazy. It's true. If you don't get enough deep REM sleep, you can actually start to hallucinate and lose your mind. And did you know that severe alcoholics can die from not getting enough thiamin in their diet? These are all things I learned in my biopsychology class in college. That and the neurotransmitter acetylcholine is destroyed by an enzyme called acetylcholinesterase . Tuition money well spent there.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose

I had the pleasure of attending Ashley's baby shower this weekend. It was so much fun. Her baby was moving around like a little kung fu fighter, and I actually got to feel one of the roundhouse kicks. Dang, that kid is strong! I can understand why that's keeping her up at night. I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night, and I didn't even have a small human doing kickboxing in my abdomen. Yowza. But it was so nice to see her. Now I'm even more excited to see the baby when he or she arrives. And, let me tell you, I have got to stop calling her baby "it" just because they're not finding out the gender until it's...I MEAN HE OR SHE is born. You can't call somebody's baby "it." It sounds bad...like I think she's going to give birth to a lizard or something.

We also had a nice Mother's Day yesterday. My Mom drove over and we had brunch with all of J's side of the family. We had a reservation for 25. And you know what I realized? If you added together the nephews on my and J's sides, we'd actually have enough players for a football team. That's a lot of dudes.

Smiling suppresses the gag reflex

When Andy Bernard fell into Lake Scranton last night, I laughed so hard I snotted on myself. Man, that was great. And I was so proud of our Pam! That took some cajones to walk on hot coals, and her speech to Jim was very sweet. Of course, if I was Karen in that situation, I would have to immediately whomp on her, but it was a good speech nonetheless. Earl and Scrubs were also very entertaining last night. All in all, a delightful evening of comedy. Of course, then we were on our way to work this morning and I noticed gas is up to $3.16 a gallon and that completely harshed my buzz. $3.16. I know that rationally they're not connected, but how can we be spending hundreds of billions of dollars in Iraq and I can't get cheap gas? Argh!

Help me help you

I keep reading these interviews with the producers of Lost, and they insist over and over that they will be providing answers in these next few episodes, that we'll learn a lot about the island, etc.... Well, I hope this is all making sense to somebody because I still have no idea what's going on anymore. What the heck was with invisible Jacob? And now it's revealed that the "hostiles" and Ben killed the Dharma Initiative people, but who are the hostiles? And why hasn't Richard aged in 30 years? Argh! Poor Locke though. I sort of had this feeling that his time on the island was getting short, but that was a rough way to go. And I'll just come out and admit it that the couple times they showed Ben's mother, I jumped out of my skin like a sissy girl. Scared the bejeezus out of me. I just keep hoping that at some point all of these bizarre events will start making sense. I feel confused enough in everyday life; I really don't need tv to drive that point home at night, too, thank you very much.

Bob tastes good with a little A1

I'm getting a trifle bit concerned about our Alisa heading to LA soon since it sounds like the whole town is on fire. Did I hear the news right that a guy fell asleep in the woods smoking and started this whole thing? For crying out loud. This only gives more ammunition for J's campaign to send all the smokers to a remote desert island with only 3 bananas so they have to resort to cannibalism, which, when you think about it, is a pretty bad fate in and of itself, but it's particularly bad for smokers because you gotta figure their meat must taste a little smoky. And that would get old after a while. But, on the up side, they would probably have plenty of lighters with them so at least they won't have to eat each other raw. So they've got that going for them...which is nice.

Man, I sound demented today. It must have been the clearance Koolaid I bought at Kroger's last night. I thought that lime flavor tasted a little off.

Buddy

My desk chair used to rock backwards, but when I came in yesterday, it just froze in place. This is going to seriously undermine my attempts to get any work done today, as I have found that I get my best ideas when I lean back, stretch my arms up and yell "Hiawatha!"

I enjoyed Heroes last night although (as always) I had no idea what anybody was talking about. Can somebody clear up for me why Linderman and Mrs. Petrelli want New York City to blow up? And why did Linderman kidnap Micah? I'm mostly just excited to see what happens in the last couple episodes. They've been building up to this explosion for months now, and they better not disappoint. Not that I think they will, mind you...sometimes I just feel the need to make useless threats against people who will never hear them. Like, sometimes I say "You better watch it, Scott Baio, or I'll sic my dogs on you." And I don't even have a dog.

The Fighting Tongs

I had the pleasure of watching Big Trouble in Little China on DVD yesterday. J bought that for me last weekend, and I finally got the time to sit down and watch the whole thing. Not many people are aware of the cinematic masterpiece that is John Carpenter's tale of Chinese black magic in 1986 San Francisco Chinatown, but, let me tell you, it's hilarious. Kurt Russell cracks me up in that movie. Funny thing though--I'd taped it off tv decades ago and so I got used to watching it with pauses for commercials and all the curse words bleeped out. So it was funny to see the actual movie yesterday. I was like "Hey, he just said 'horse(%#@'!" It was almost like watching a totally different movie. Same thing happened when I finally heard the original "Holla Back Girl" by Gwen Stefani. I had only heard it on the radio so when I heard the real thing, I was shocked. Does she kiss her baby with that mouth?

Mmmm...Orange Julius

The part in The Office last night when Michael was sitting in his office and Jan was listening to his voicemail message had to be one of the funniest things I've seen in months. The look in his eyes was so funny and the way he was mumbling "Dinner...maybe Italian...," man, that had me crying I was laughing so hard. I have to see if that clip is on nbc.com today because I'm quite sure I could watch that 50 times and never get tired of it. I'd also like to mention that I wish our bathroom at work was as nice as the ladies room at Dunder Mifflin. A loveseat and a chair? I'd be willing to get the cha-cha every day if it meant I could hang out in there for a while.

I'm pretty psyched it's Friday. Tomorrow is Nephew #5's first birthday so it'll be fun to see him. I can't believe he's already one. These second kids seem to grow up even quicker than the first round of nephews did. I assume that's because I'm not paying as much attention to them since there are so many now. Sad but true.

Soothing...like a root beer on a hot day

Some pictures we took when J and I went for a hike on Sunday...

Gastrointestinal distress

I gotta say, it's hard to blame Sawyer for throttling Locke's dad. The guy really was asking for it. I'm sure that, philosophically, all human life is worthwhile even if the person is acting like a toad, but when you're talking about fictional characters like that guy, I say choke him until his eyes pop out. I'm certainly not going to try to talk you out of it, Sawyer. I don't really understand what's going on with Locke and the Others, but I'm very intrigued by what Naomi was telling the castaways about their flight. And, I must admit, I'm about ready to kick Jack in the nuts if he doesn't start being nice again. He's been sorta a-hole-rrific this year, and he's getting on my nerves.

Oooh, and before Lost came on, I watched another episode of the show on TLC about the clinic for morbidly obese people in New York. Wow. For some reason, I cannot turn the channel when it comes on even though I really want to. I'm still trying to figure out how a person gets to be 600 pounds. I believe around 400 pounds, I would re-evaluate my eating habits, that's all I'm saying.

STFU

There's a commercial on tv right now that is making my hair fall out. Have you seen the cell phone ad with the mom talking to her daughter (who looks to be about 9 years old or so) and the girl is talking in "text speak?" She keeps saying things like "IDK. My BFF Jill" and "TISNF." I find that so irritating that I almost can't find words to describe it...but because I know how to use the actual English language and not some abbreviated version, I'll do my best. Are kids actually going to start talking like this? Is it actually easier to say "my BFF" instead of "my best friend?" Because, last time I counted, "BFF" had more syllables than "best friend." Argh! I gotta stop watching commercials. The only ones that don't annoy me feature either Peyton Manning or pizza. For crying out loud.

I think Future Ann will just be chubbier

Oooh, Heroes was good last night! Man, I had no idea that Matt would turn out to be such a jackhole. But I was impressed that Mohinder took out the Haitian like that--it takes some cajones to stab someone in the neck. And Peter was pretty impressive, too. The best part was when they revealed who Nathan really was though. I actually yelled "Nuh uh!" at the tv. And you can tell you're watching something good when you start hollering like a caveman at your appliances.

I'm also enjoying the "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" week on the Today show. Those shots of the cliffs in Ireland this morning were gorgeous. I've never been there, and I'd really like to visit sometime. It's been too long since I've had sheep stomach for lunch...good gad, I just made myself nauseous.