The source of the Nile is in Abyssinia

J and I have this routine where he drops me off at the gym after work, goes home, then comes back and picks me up when I'm done. The other day, we were in his truck on the way to the gym, and he got the idea that what we should do is buy me a scooter (because I love scooters and want one in the worst way) so I can drive the scooter to the gym. And then when I'm done working out, he can bring the truck over, and I can drive the scooter up into the bed a la Knight Rider, and off we go. I got the mental image of me zooming my scooter up into the bed of the truck while it's driving down the street, and my one thought was "SWEET."

I watched all of Sense and Sensibility on TCM last night. Ahhh, such a good movie. One summer while I was in college, I got on a Jane Austen kick and read all her books in about a month (which really isn't hard because she only wrote, like, seven). But that, my friends, is why I am a nerd. Instead of going out and drinking until I puked and sleeping until noon, I was up at 7 every morning reading English classics. Dork!

Ma! Meatloaf!

Having hit a wall with Sunday night tv, J and I went to Blockbuster last night and got Wedding Crashers on DVD. I'd heard it was a funny movie, and there were definitely some laugh-out-loud moments in there. I loved Vince Vaughn's conversation with the priest, and when he told Todd that he was keeping the painting. Hee! But Owen Wilson's nose is fascinating, isn't it? I'm glad I've never met him in person, because I know I would just be staring at his nose the whole time wondering "What the?" and it would cause much awkwardness, eventually culminating in a mumbled apology from me and him stomping off in a snit.

But I had a good weekend all around. I actually slept quite a bit, which was very nice. I had a strange dream last night about mayonnaise. I was making sandwiches and the mayo was getting all over the place. Sounds very Freudian, doesn' it?

Screw you and your $38 sleep shorts

I am starting to think that the salespeople at Victoria's Secret are performing some sort of experiment to see how much they can annoy shoppers and still meet their sales goals. Man. I just went in there yesterday because I had a coupon and wanted to check out some jammies, and I had three different girls come up and try to start up a conversation with me about their newest bra, what was on sale, the price of tea in China. By the time the third girl got near me, I just whipped around and yelled "WHAT??" Maybe next time I go in there, I'll start waving around a $10 bill and announcing to whomever's in earshot that that's all I have to spend. That ought to scare them away.

WARNING: this post contains excessive self-pity

I managed to get a lot of television multi-tasking done last night. I watched some figure skating, some American Idol AND some weird show about an even weirder body-builder with "exploding arms." I didn't see that entire program, but I'm hoping the "exploding arms" title was not literal. Gross.

I'm so glad it's Friday. I have a lot of scanning to do at work, but if that makes the day go by faster, God bless it. I've been having insomnia for over a week now, and it's starting to drag down my normally sunny disposition. I was having quite an internal debate at 5 a.m. this morning about whether to get out of bed and do something. My doctor told me I should do that when I can't sleep, but when I poked my head up over the covers, it seemed awfully cold out there. Maybe I should get a little reading light and a book and try to read. That ought to put me right out. Has anybody read a good book lately? Maybe something about a coma?

You gonna eat that?

I ate a big bowl of oatmeal this morning, and, I swear, I was hungry 10 minutes later. It's a darn good thing I have an entire cupboard full of snacks hidden throughout my desk. I won't go into too much detail to protect my stash, but let me just say that all four food groups are represented.

I was reading an interesting article the other day about how a lot of school-age kids are eating lunch before 10:30 in the morning in their schools (usually because of overcrowding or budget cuts). Now, the kids were saying it's not bad in the morning because they eat breakfast around 6 a.m., but can you imagine eating lunch at 10:30 then not having dinner til 6 at night? Gah! I would just die. I would also probably have about 8 pounds of trail mix sewn into my backback for snacks. Seriously. I can barely make it 4 hours without eating. I mean, it's not like I keel over in a faint and I can do it if I have to, but, people, it ain't pretty.

Will tube tops never die?

I could really go for a ginger ale right now. And it's not like I even have a stomach ache. I just want some Vernor's. Ginger ale always makes me think of visiting my Dad's side of the family in Cleveland when I was a kid. They always had ginger ale on hand to mix with whiskey (is that a highball?). My grandmother was a Polish immigrant who lived to be 95 on a diet of whiskey, pierogi and kielbasa. That woman was tough as nails.

I didn't see much on tv last night because I fell asleep so early, but I did see a few figure skaters and a few chicks on American Idol. I don't want to make this a racial thing, but there is no way a white girl is going to win this year. They pretty much suck.

I was also just perusing an advice column on Yahoo (I love those!) where a woman wrote in to say she was feeling a little disturbed because her boyfriend (who's a divorced dad of a 9-year-old) still sleeps with his daughter and then this woman and the boyfriend play "daddy/daughter," ahem, "fantasy games." And she was starting to question that. Uhhh, ya think?!? What a perv. Honestly, I'm amazed these people manage to feed themselves. Where's evolution when you need it?

Have you paid your dues, Jack? Yes, sir, the check is in the mail

I've been up since 4:00 this morning. It's interesting because instead of feeling tired like I normally do when I wake up that early, I feel really hostile today. We were driving into work, and I just felt like punching a hobo. Or whacking a racoon with a broom. The only thing keeping me from kicking over my trashcan is the fact that I know and like our custodian, and I don't want to do that for him. So I'm mean but still capable of guilt...I am not yet a sociopath. Whoo!

Can I just clear something up though, people? Ok, listen to me. "Supposively" is not a word. Neither is "supposibly." I don't even know where that one came from. It's "supposedly." Now, I hear people misspeak that word all the time, and it doesn't really bother me when it's just in conversation between friends, but when you hear a news reporter on tv say that "The witness was supposively kidnapped by the suspects," I must draw the line. Don't make me whack you with a broom, stupid reporter woman! Cause I'll do it!

Suck it, Presidents Day

It was a pretty uneventful weekend. We had a family birthday party on Saturday night. That was fun. I watched Flightplan on DVD with my inlaws. That's one of those movies where, when you're watching it, it makes sense, but then you go home half an hour later and realize it had some plot holes the size of a canyon in there. And one of the flight attendants looked a heck of a lot like Debbie Gibson, so that was distracting. But overall it was still a better movie than Bruce Almighty, that's all I'm saying.

I have Destiny's Child's Bootylicious in my head right now. Great.

I think I'm feeling generally annoyed this morning since I have to be here on a federal holiday. Do I feel petty and stupid? Sure do, but it still stings knowing that I'm here while postal workers and bankers are all at home drinking hot chocolate and watching makeover shows. I should probably stop thinking about that or I'm going to be miserable all day. And there is nothing worse than me when I'm cranky. You can ask anybody. It's horrific...like a movie remake of "CHiPs."

coffee cake

I just started regularly drinking coffee in the last couple years. Cause, you know, I turned 30, and apparently when you turn 30, your body just careens head-first into physical and mental decline. Yes, I remember what it was like in my 20's...I could eat whatever I wanted, I never had chapped lips and bunions were only something I'd heard about. Those were the days. Anyway, I read this story in the news that lots of these Starbucks and specialty coffee drinks have as many calories and fat as a Big Mac. This is disturbing. I mean, I figured a tall cup of coffee jammed with milk, sugar, caramel and chocolate probably wasn't good for me, but I had no idea some of these things have 500 calories and 30 grams of fat. That is ridiculous. From now on, I'm just going to make a regular cup of Folgers and stir it up with a Snickers bar. At least it would be cheaper.

It's Friday! Is anybody doing something spectacular this weekend?

She's all class

I was having a good night yesterday until 3:30 this morning, when I was woken up by my 19-year-old neighbor screaming at her mother at the top of her lungs. Since this is a family show, I can't tell you what she was saying, but it went along the lines of "[Bleep], I will do whatever the [bleep] I want, you [bleep]ing [bleep]! [Bleep] you! [Bleep]!" She is quite a wordsmith, my neighbor. Fortunately, I did fall back to sleep after a couple hours, so it wasn't too bad. I just love my neighborhood. Sure, people cut in front of you at the checkout line in Kroger and you're afraid to say anything to them because they've got more tattoos than money and they wear mullets and chains, but it really is a swell place to live. Pffft.

But wasn't Lost good last night? I love Naveen Andrews. Such a good actor. I was with him that the guy they caught was an Other, and I hope he convinces everybody else about that. And when the clock got down to zero and started flipping those black and red symbols, my heart skipped a beat. But I will seek vengeance on Sawyer for smashing that tiny tree frog. People often deserve the crap they get, but no frog ever asked to be smushed like that! You vile man!

Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm not crazy

I'm on a posting frenzy today!

Interesting thing going on with the finances: lately, J and I have been moving credit card balances to my one credit card because it's got the lowest interest rate of any of our cards. Now, I know that this is a fiscally responsible move, and I know we're going to be saving money on finance charges, thus freeing up cash to pay down the principal on this debt. So it's a good thing, right? Then why do I keep worrying that J is going to run off to Rio with a Hooters girl and I'm going to be stuck with all this on my credit, rendering me unable to pay for necessities such as Hostess cupcakes and shiny shoes, at which point I will fall into a catatonic-like state of depression, so you'll all be looking for me on the streets, where you'll find me wrapped in a blanket singing spirituals to passersby for nickels? It could happen! Ack!

Marzipan Prophet

We had a good Valentine's dinner last night. We ate then played arcade games for a couple hours. I have found that I am fairly good at shooting zombies and playing skeeball but that's about it. I don't know if this is because I'm getting older or what, but I'm seriously starting to fear for my hand-eye coordination. J can get to like the 15th level of Ms. Pac-Man, and I die three times in the first 40 seconds. Thank goodness for J's skills or we never would have been able to leave Dave & Buster's with a slinky, 4 plastic bracelets, a fluffy ball and a giant Pixy Stix. Phew!

I loved American Idol last night. One of my favorite things about that show is watching the kids forget the words to songs. Not that I think I'd do much better but, hey, that's why I don't sing. EVER. I probably will take a break from watching it after this week though. Once they get down to 24, it doesn't get interesting for me until it's down to about 6.

And the title from today's post comes from a conversation I was having yesterday with a professor whose friend was trying to come up with ideas for religious-themed centerpieces for a pastor's luncheon. Marzipan prophets was my contribution. And that is why nobody ever takes me seriously. Yes!

She marry oily bohunk

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! I've eaten so many cookies and chocolates already today that my pancreas is crying. It's tough when you work in an office full of women because we tend to go a little overboard with the sweets around holidays. I'm probably going to have to get dentures if I work here more than 5 years. You know what? I just realized I've officially worked here over three years now! That's the longest I've ever held a full-time job before. Yay me. As weird as it is sometimes, this job is really a good setup for me: it's quiet, it's all about art and I get lots of candy on Halloween. What more could a gal ask for? Well, besides a company Rolls Royce and a month more of vacation. But I'm not complaining!

smelly pants, what are they feeding you?

I have a weird question. Does anybody else ever put on a pair of cords and notice a weird, chemical-y, almost oily smell on them? I swear, I washed these pants before I wore them today, but when I think about it, I have a couple other pairs of cords that give off this same scent. They're mainly cotton, right? So what is this odor? Now I'm all creeped out by my pants! Ack!

He looked like a quail from here

This is turning out to be an interesting day. The northeast got over two feet of snow, I heard they've dubbed an American snowboarder "The Flying Tomato" (which is awesome) and then I find out that Dick Cheney wounded a friend while quail hunting. It's not every day that the Vice President shoots somebody. We should all take note of this momentous occasion.

I weep for the future

I slept almost 9 hours last night! Unprecedented! Generally I get around 5 to 6 hours a night. Either I'm wearing myself out buying corduroy pants or I'm coming down with something. It cannot be that I'm simply sleeping more. That would be too good to be true.

I got J part of his Valentine's present on Friday, and, more importantly, I bought myself two pairs of cords for $13 combined! Nice. I love pants.

Working yesterday afternoon was fine. It was steady but not too busy and nobody asked me a question I couldn't answer, so that was a relief. We close at 5 on Saturdays and at 4:58 this kid comes in with a sketch pad, so the student worker tells him we're closing at 5. He asks me if he can at least draw the study skeleton's arm (yes, we have an actual skeleton hanging in the library for study purposes. I call him Juan), and I replied "If you can draw it in 2 minutes." So at 5:00, I went around and told all the patrons that we had to close, and when I went up to the arm-drawing kid and told him we had to close, our conversation went as such:

"Excuse me, we need to close the library now."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
"What time do you open tomorrow?"
"We're not open on Sundays."
"Not at all?"
[me shooting him a withering look as if he's dumber than a Jessica Simpson infomercial]
[him gathering his stuff and mumbling that we're never open]

Ahh, the kids these days.

Hubba Bubba

I'm leaving at lunch today because I have to work tomorrow. My plans are to work out then do a little V-Day shopping for J. I'm still not sure what I'm going to get him, but I am confident something will come to me while I'm looking around. He told me that a couple of his previous girlfriends didn't buy him things for Valentine's Day. That seems so odd to me. Why should I be the only one who gets chocolates and sparklies? Seems to me that in the interest of gender equality, guys should get Valentine's presents, too.

But I will say that if I were Pam on last night's The Office and my fiance only gave me the promise of "the best sex" as a Valentine's present, the wedding would be off. He could have at least gotten her a Toblerone from CVS. Come on!

Poor, naive Trotsky

As much as I appreciate that the writers of Lost are trying to keep Sawyer a difficult, complex, layered character, I really think he's a jerk most of the time. He can take his shirt off all he wants, but unless he learns to share, somebody's going to whack him upside his pretty head with a coconut. His little speech to the group after he got the guns reminded me of why communism is good in theory but it never works in reality: there's always some greedy bastard who ruins it for everybody else.

While I was brushing my hair this morning, I was thinking about how most women on tv are so thin and glamorous these days (even middle-aged mother roles). They're all so thin, ripped and surgically-enhanced that it got me wondering if they created Golden Girls today, would they have cast Morgan Fairchild, Victoria Principal and Susan Lucci? Can you see Joan Rivers as Sophia? That is a disturbing image right there.

Drunk chicks

You know, it is a sad, sad day when I get more riled up by the thought of having to move offices than seeing Britney Spears do something moronic and dangerous to her baby. I feel like some sort of, like, adult or something. Gross!

There's a new Lost on tonight, people! I'm getting the distinct impression when I read my tv columns that Ana-Lucia isn't going to be on the show much longer. Maybe it's all a smokescreen for a much larger surprise involving Kate falling off a cliff onto a pointy coral reef, but I fear Ana might bite it soon. If somebody were to ask me, I'd say lose Kate and keep Ana, but I think that's because I still have a soft spot in my heart for Michelle Rodriguez ever since her riveting performance in The Fast and the Furious when she sniffed and declared "I smell skanks." Beautiful.

I'm more VH1 now

I don't know what got into me last night, but I found myself watching an episode of the Real World/Road Rules Extreme Gauntlet Challenge of Punks and Hos on MTV. Ugh. What a disaster these people are. That girl Beth who was in Real World L.A. is really looking rough. And the thing is that she probably looks fairly good for being in her 30's, but when you plop her down with all these photogenic 22-year-olds who haven't seen a carb since middle school, it's not a pretty picture. To be fair, a lot of the "veterans" look pretty good. I think Montana looks better now, and Timmy, Mark and Syrus all look fine. Oh my God. I just realize I know these people by name. Excuse me while I beat myself with an flaming encyclopedia.

Mecca lecca high mecca chonney ho

I am such a sucker for the Budweiser commercials with the horses playing football and the cowboys watching. That one last night with the sheared sheep streaker cracked me up. I still love the one with the zebra doing instant replay, too. Ahhh, comedy. The Ameriquest commercials were good, too. But Diet Pepsi needs a new ad agency. As much as I think I ought to like Jay Mohr, he just irritates me. It's something about his eyebrows. Shudder.

Keep your fingers crossed, but I think we finally found a truck for J this weekend. I don't want to jinx it because it's not in stone yet, but it's a really nice 2001 quad-cab truck. Test driving it made me want a V8 (engine, not drink). I've always had cars with smaller engines, and I had no idea how much pickup one of those babies gets. Nice.

Bad boys, bad boys

We saw the coolest thing at Target last night. And, no, I'm not talking about the $5 gold sequin ballet flats. When we were walking to the store through the parking lot, a couple of men burst out of a side door and started running. The second one was yelling back toward the store "He's running! This way!" and a bunch of Target employees, security guards and actual city of Columbus police officers started coming out the door. So the two men are running really fast through the lot, the police officers jump into a cruiser to give chase, and a POLICE HELICOPTER appears in the sky with a spotlight on the runner. I think the first guy wised up and stopped running once he saw the cruiser following him and the helicopter had its spotlight on him. We saw the police shove him down on the ground and get handcuffs on him, but then we finally went inside. And when we were in Target, we saw the second runner walking through, so we think he might have been one of those undercover security people that walk through the store looking for shoplifters. It was a pretty gnarly thing to watch. This is the second time I've seen something like that since moving into this neighborhood. The lesson to all the kids out there: a couple free CDs is not worth getting your face shoved into the pavement by 2 annoyed policemen. I'm just saying.

Nachos

I really liked The Office last night. That guy Darryl was cracking me up. "This isn't over, Michael!" Ha! And leave it to me to read too much into it, but I thought it was an interesting look at female professionals. The show almost gave you this impression that women in the workforce are either domestic, silly things who don't care much about their jobs and just want to get married, or they're unhappy, gorgeous, ambitious barracudas. I think what disturbed me when I was thinking about that was how true it can be. A lot of the women in places I've worked have actually fallen into one of those two categories. And women who display ambition are still labeled as "bitchy" sooooo much of the time. It's really not fair to them. On the other hand, I have had some really bad female bosses. Sometimes I wonder if I was holding them to a different standard because they were women, or if they really weren't good managers because society doesn't do as much to condition women to manage as it does men. I don't know. But I do know that Jim and Pam are adorable. So there.

It's Friday!

it's very shiny

Whilst watching the train wreck that was the pink-outfitted, Paula Abdul-loving, female contestant on American Idol last night, I realized that I have the same boots she was wearing but in black. That made me sad. As sad as it made me, however, I still find myself wanting to buy espadrilles completely covered in silver sequins. I have a sickness.

The Office is on tonight. Anybody know if it's new?

The Wubby sleeps tonight

Did anybody watch the President's speech last night? Me either. I heard on the news this morning that they did that applause thing 60 times. C'mon!

I am in such a mood to shop right now. I feel myself being tempted to buy strappy sandals and crop pants because the stores are getting all of their spring stuff right now. But I shall resist! As much as I would love to be wearing tank tops and flip-flops, it's only 32 degrees outside. I must be rational...for the sake of my toes.

It does make me want to go on vacation, I tell you what. There are a few places I want to go before I die: the Grand Canyon, the Greek islands, Italy and Aruba. Yes, I know Aruba is not kind to blond Americans, but I am not in the habit of hopping into cars with island boys, so I think I'll be ok. It's a little difficult in this job because we get two weeks of vacation every year, and I never feel like it's enough (especially when I want to spend most of that time seeing my friends who live out of town). I'll just have to work here another 7 years to get 5 more days of vacation. Fantastic.