I hate black licorice

Oh, I am so shame. I'm telling you, I was lying on the couch last night at 7:30 watching a rerun of Scrubs and next thing I know, it's 8:50, and I've missed all the shows I wanted to watch. And here's the really strange part--when I woke up at 8:50, 30 Rock was on, so somewhere in my slumbering state, I changed the channel. I was conscious enough to change the channel but not conscious enough to wake myself up to watch what was on that channel. Eerie. So I'll have to get online tonight and catch up because I've already heard that 30 Rock, in particular, was hilarious last night. I don't know, I admit I don't feel the same level of excitement for tv since the writers' strike, but you'd think I could at least work up the mojo to stay awake until 8 one night a week. So pitiful.

I'm really happy today's Friday though. We don't have a lot we have to do this weekend, so I'm looking forward to achieving an even higher level of laziness. Sa-weeet. I just can't believe tomorrow is December 1st. December...it's finally almost here. I'm freaking out!!

Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy

This may sound weird to people who actually sleep, but I'm so happy I didn't wake up until 5 today. Ahh, sweet relief. I took a nap last night but was up in time to watch the new Project Runway at 10. I find that show so interesting. It's so bizarre to me how fashion designers (particularly male ones) have no idea how to make men's clothes. There are all these guys out there, running around draping women in all sorts of fabric, but ask them to put together a man's shirt, and they lose their minds. Dude, you're wearing a man's shirt. It can't be that hard to figure out. I had this professor in college who pointed out that, for the longest time (and even to a point today), all these arenas that are generally seen as the female domain in everyday life (cooking, fashion, interior design) become male-dominated once you reach the highest echelons of the profession. And that's sad. Because we shouldn't have people who don't wear spiked heels telling us to. I don't tell them what to do with their hairy chests and testes, now do I?

It's beginning to look a lot like Wubbiss

If you were wondering why I hadn't posted yet today, wonder no more! I am at home on a vacation day. I woke up at 3:45 this morning, and the mere thought of even attempting to go into work was so traumatic that I broke out into hives. Well, not really. It was traumatic though. I just wish so much that there was some way for me to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night like that. And before you suggest it, I already tried blows to the head and they don't work. Just give ya a splitting headache. But my plan for this afternoon is to try to rest as much as possible and try to find the plot of that new movie The Golden Compass. Because I keep seeing commercials for it with these vicious polar bears in armor, and it strikes me as one of the weirdest things I've seen in recent memory. And, listen, I just got through three birthing videos, so that's saying something. You just don't think of polar bears wearing clothes. It seems so wrong. Like a chicken with a calculator.

Bouncing here and there and everywhere

J and I are now official graduates of childbirth class. Huzzah! Our teacher attempted to show us a birthing video of a c-section last night, but I didn't even pretend to try to watch that. Yuck. I have just never gotten into watching videos of surgeries. I did look up in time to see the baby being put into the warmer and that little guy was about as purple as grape juice. It sure didn't look good, but the video narrator didn't even mention it. I have to think that if Lil' J is born and he's any color on that end of the spectrum, I'm going to have some questions. Such as "Why does my baby look like Newborn Smurf?"

I have been up since 3 a.m. this morning, and I am not one bit happy about it. Some days when I have the insomnia, all I can think about is how tired I am of being tired. But, I'm telling you right now, if anyone comes up to me today and says "Get used to it" or "This is good practice for after the baby's born," I'm just going to smack them right in the eye. I'm serious. I am in no mood for that today.

6-inch ribbon curls

Ahh, that was a nice, long weekend. We ended up having two Thanksgiving dinners, and both were excellent. I don't think that in overall mass, I ate as much as I did last year simply because I think my stomach is getting a little crowded by so much uterus, but I still managed to take down a lot of turkey and yams. Oh yes. We also got to spend some good quality time with my Mom and older sister's family on Thursday. Nephew #5 is walking around like a champ, and nephew #2 has developed a rabid love of playing hide-n-seek. So much so that after about two hours of trying to find his various hiding spots in the basement, I finally had to tell him he had worn me out. So there I was, sitting on my sister's couch, pleading with a 3-year-old to play Candyland while he tried to pry me off and push me underneath the stairs. That kid had no idea the kind of bulk he was trying to move.

Still not looking at the camera

I'm posting a couple pictures from my work baby shower last week. I tried to find one that had a good shot of what size my belly is now, but since I'm sitting down in most of them, you can't get much of an idea. Oh well, at least you can see me and J making silly faces at each other, and isn't that what baby showers are really about?

I hope you all have great Thanksgivings! Rest assured I will spend the next 4 days housing on yams and pie and then lying on the couch hollering for more egg nog. Huzzah!

Just what every woman wants: tall, dark and tidy

Fate took pity on me last night: when we were in childbirth class watching the birthing video, the glare from the lights just happened to fall right over the lady's most private privates, so all I really saw was the baby being lifted on her chest right after delivery. Dodged a bullet on that one! Nice! Although, I gotta say, that baby was pretty slimy. There's something about the amount of fluid involved in this whole thing that's surprising to me. I don't know why, but I always pictured birth being drier than this. Of course, I also didn't realize Santa wasn't real until about the 5th grade, so I tend to be somewhat behind the times on things. But that's ok. I'm special.

Been up since 3 o'clock this morning. Ergh. I had to use the facilities and then I couldn't fall back asleep. I figure that in a few hours, I'll be wiped like a chalkboard, but right now I'm still going strong because I'm excited about my doctor's appointment this morning. I'm curious to hear if I'm still measuring slightly big and what that might mean. Will he be a 10-pound bruiser or am I just carrying around 10 extra pounds of donuts? The suspense is killing me!

I wish turkey only cost a nickel

Look at all the belly fluff! Mr. Wubby had a good weekend--J and I spent a lot of time getting the baby's room organized and set up, so Wubby enjoyed sniffing all the new stuff. I have a feeling he won't enjoy it so much once the dirty diapers start showing up, but we've had to live with his litter box for years, so it's only fair.

Today is the campus-wide Thanksgiving lunch. Whoo! It's quite the to-do: turkey, green beans, stuffing, mashies, three kinds of pie. And all this just for working here. Not too shabby.

Might as well call it "whitejack"

That breastfeeding class last night was interesting. Very informative, as usual, although I'm starting to feel a trifle overwhelmed with baby information right now. I fear I'm going to get confused and start trying to stimulate his neural development by putting breast milk directly into his diapers using the cross-cuddle technique. So much to remember, and my brain just isn't what it used to be. We also had to watch another video. Nooooo! This one was a very up-close demonstration of a British woman trying to get her newborn to latch on for the first time. Is it a bad sign that it made me a little nauseous?

Unfortunately, I didn't get to watch any of my shows from last night yet, although J did DVR them for me. So that's what I'll do tonight: try to replace the memories in my head of that woman's huge areola with the hilarity of The Office and 30 Rock. Escapist entertainment, I have never appreciated you more.

I wish I had some Toaster Strudel

I'm feeling pretty wiped out this morning even though I slept pretty well last night. I fell asleep reading but, fortunately, I was awake to watch Project Runway. Kind of disappointing that the challenge was just designing a dress with nice fabric. Boring! I definitely like it more when they have to do something crazy like make a whole outfit out of materials from a hardware store. But I need to save my strength and work up some energy because I've got my breastfeeding class tonight. This is given by the same woman who does our childbirth class, so it ought to be informative yet amusing in the way that hippies are amusing. She said we need to bring a stuffed animal or doll, and since I'm not 3, I don't have either. I wonder if I could just take the cat and practice on him...? No, that would be too traumatic for the Wubby. I won't do that to him. Maybe I could take a borrow a couple of small Beanie Babies and pretend I'm breastfeeding a whole litter of babies, just like a dog. That is a disturbing image. What is wrong with my brain today?

Towels go "moo!"

I was pretty much a slug last night except for the fact that I went to the store to buy more food for Thanksgiving dinner. We're planning on going to my older sister's for the big meal (which I'm very excited about because they're the kind of people who don't look at you sideways when you shove a ladle-full of yams and a whole turkey leg into your mouth at the same time), but then J and I are going to cook some food for ourselves afterwards, too. I believe that, statistically, every American should have at least 2.6 Thanksgiving dinners. Some people will tell you that it's a hassle to go to several different homes for the holiday. Me, I think of it as a culinary parade of homes. Aww yeah. I love yams!

Ooh, and Project Runway starts tonight! I always like their challenges. This year, I'm hoping they have to construct an outfit out of old seafood restaurant garbage.

Once, twice, three times a Wubby

Oh. My. God. We watched our first birthing video in class last night. My initial reaction upon seeing the baby being born: sign me up for a c-section. Gah! People, there is just nothing natural about this whole childbirth thing. I can't believe a being that size came out of that opening. Wow. And the woman in this video just did breathing to get through it, so I have no idea how that was possible. There was just so much...gushing. I am traumatized.

We did get home and watched Chuck and Heroes afterwards, and that helped get my mind off the anxiety of it all. I loved Chuck, and I was very pleased with Heroes. I like any of the episodes that feature Peter and Nathan. Even if Nathan's not talking, he's still about 20 times more interesting than Nikki/Jessica. Ugh. She is so annoying.

We thought you was a toad

That was not a good football weekend, folks. The Buckeyes, Browns and Colts all lost in fairly close games, and, frankly, they did not look good, especially the Buckeyes. Apparently, some people here in Columbus are ready to throw themselves off high cliffs because we're not number one anymore, but I feel that's a tad bit of an overreaction. See, I'm an admitted football freak, but I've never once been tempted to light a dumpster on fire because my favorite team lost. Now, I do feel like smacking Adam Vinatieri for missing that field goal last night, but I'm not actually going to hit him. Mostly because I don't know where he lives, but even if I did, it's just not worth the bad karma I'd get for such soddy ethics.

Plus, I've got bigger things to worry about. We're having our campus health insurance meetings this afternoon. I figure I'll leave there about 10 times angrier than when I walk in. It's a good thing my childbirth class has already covered relaxation techniques. Stupid insurance.

Truffle shuffle

Alisa innocently started talking about Krispy Kremes yesterday, and the idea subsequently turned into a full-blown obsession for me last night. By the time we'd gotten home from work, I was grabbing J by the shoulders, getting an inch from his nose and saying in my best Clint Eastwood voice, "If I don't get some donuts right now, I'm going to hurt somebody." So we went to a couple different grocery stores looking for Krispy Kremes (because we don't have an actual Krispy Kreme store anywhere near our house), and then finally gave up and bought an entire pan of cinnamon rolls that we took home and ate almost half of. I'm carbo-loaded and ready to go, people! Whoo! Of course, I felt a little guilty afterwards, but I'm not going to let it get me too down. With the price of gas going up to $4 a gallon, the writer's strike threatening to take my shows off the air and our health insurance going up again next year, I refuse to feel too bad for finding comfort in partially-hydrogenated pastries. Take that, healthy people!

Bossy Marmalade! Bad Checks McGee!

Yawn. Feeling kind of low energy today. I actually slept fine though. I think the problem was that last night J was buying music for his ipod on a website, so we started dancing around the computer room to songs by Kool and the Gang, and I just tuckered myself out. Who knew that an 8-months-pregnant woman should not be trying to Get Down on It anymore? Lesson learned.

And I'm getting a little concerned because it seems like almost everybody I know is either sick, just got sick or is coming down with something. Me, I'm just hoping my super-strong immune system holds up because I'm one of those people who believes in overmedicating a cold. And, with the baby, not being able to take cold medicine while I'm sick would be an ugly, ugly thing. I'd actually have to go the chicken soup route. Blech.

With your bad back, Ed, you shouldn't be throwing anything

I had an OB checkup yesterday, and when I rolled up my shirt so my doctor could listen to the baby's heartbeat, she took one look at me and exclaimed "Wow! You are carrying low!" And even though I already sort of knew that I was carrying low, there's something about hearing your doctor in a state of shock that makes you wonder if it's suddenly a bad thing. She said we're totally fine, but my shape does explain why I often feel like somebody's kicked me in the crotch. This is a lovely post, isn't it? Are you eating a bagel right now? Do you still want to? Ha!

I saw that news story this morning about the missing mom in Chicago whose husband is a cop 30 years her senior whom she had previously claimed was too controlling. Not to rush to judgment here, but he totally killed her. What kind of sick dude in his 50's marries an 18-year-old girl anyway? Gross. I can remember once or twice being in my early 20's and having some old dude act interested in me, and my reaction was as such: Ewwww! And then I'd run away. It just icks me out.

Put your backfield in motion

We had our second childbirth class last night. We learned some breathing techniques and got all sorts of homework to do. Freakin' homework. I have to find something to use as a focal point, come up with a mantra to chant and write a letter to my unborn baby. I have no idea what I'm going to write in this letter. I'm not the most sentimental person in the world, so when the teacher was talking about the "wonderful gift you'll give your child," I did that internal eye roll. Maybe I can just give him a link to this blog and be done with it. And I can't come up with a good mantra either. The other women in the class were saying things like "Every contraction is a good contraction" and "With every contraction, I'm closer to my baby." All I could think of was "No pain, no pain," which the teacher shot down as being "too negative." Plus, J and I got a case of the giggles while we were practicing our breathing because I told him I felt like an elephant and then he started singing that "Doing da butt" song. We are going to have such a warped son.

Help be whelp stew

Good grief, I am so tired right now that my fingers are moving independently of my brain. I just tried emailing a couple people and instead of typing "me," my fingers kept typing "be." And that causes some really weird sentences to show up. I woke up at 2:45 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. And you might be thinking "Hey, but with the time change, you probably went to sleep earlier so it's not that bad!" You would be wrong. I couldn't fall asleep until after 11. I want to slam my head into a vat of mayonnaise just to drown out the world. My only hope here is that Lil' J's sleep patterns are not dependent on mine. Cause I would feel very guilty if he's as sleep-deprived as I am. I don't want him coming out of the womb with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and dark circles under his eyes, asking for a latte. "Make it a grande, Dad. Seriously. I am shredded." That would be sad.

Goldwubbiss (meow meow meow)

Dude, check out the date and time on this post! The time change is making me look like even more of a morning person than I am. Although, honestly, I actually woke up an hour ago and just laid in bed staring at the ceiling until Wubby started giving me the skunk eye that it was time to get up and get him some cat food. Speaking of Wubby, I took this picture of him the other day.:

He cracks me up. It's poses like this that make it hard for me to think of him as a cat and not a person.

I want to see you sweat cooking oil, Pork Chop!

Last night's Office was good, but I felt like I spent the whole half hour cringing on Jim's behalf. That conversation he had with Karen in her office was so awkward! See, this is why I used to stop acknowledging the existence of people I used to date. It was always much easier for me to pretend like they were never born than have to go through something like that. Sure, it's immature and stupid, but it was also effective. Ta ha! Take that!

So it turns out my OB nurse told me yesterday that because of some pain I'm having, I need to stay off my feet as much as I can for the next couple days. It's nothing serious, but it meant I had to go home last night and let J do everything while I laid on the couch. Honestly, it was cool for about five minutes and then I was starting to go crazy because of the immobility. Plus, J doesn't put bowls and cups away the same way I do. And he folds laundry different. I fear change.

Break me off a piece of that applesauce

Handing out candy was a lot of fun last night. We had a ton of kids come by, although this was the first year that we actually had candy left over. I believe we have about 10 rolls of Smarties left. I will take care of those no problem. My favorite costume was this adorable little 2-year-old girl who had on this pony outfit made out of lavendar velvet with sparkles. I don't know if she was supposed to be a My Little Pony, in particular, but she was just precious. I gave her a big Pixy Stix for being so cute. She couldn't even hold it. Of course, we had a bunch of vampires, ninjas, princesses and cheerleaders, too. No Care Bears this year though. Shame, that.

Oh, and I totally should have seen this coming, but I was still surprised that our wonderful new neighbors didn't hand out candy. Mind you, they sent out about a dozen kids including teenagers to go get candy, but the moms stayed home and hid in the house instead of giving any candy away. That is just so lame. And the one right next door even emerged around 7:30 to walk down to the corner store to get her cigarettes and Cheetos. I know exactly what it's like to live next door to Buckingham Palace. The similarities are eerie.